So, Rudy and I took part in Yahoo’s Friends & Family league hosted by Brandon Funston.  I believe Rudy and I are on the Friends side of equation, but some of the things I find on Ancestor.com could shock you.  I’m only like 12 cousins removed from my wife.  I’m so well-adjusted that doesn’t even make me shudder anymore!  Could Brandon Funston be my uncle?  Unkie Funston?  That would be cool.  I would be like, “Unkie Funston, can I have your old baseball card collection?”  And he’d be like, “Sure, if you trade me Starlin Castro.”  In this league is a few Rotoworld guys, a few Rotowire guys, a few Yahoo guys, a Wall Street Journal guy, a boneheaded Razzball guy and our very own, Rudy Gamble.  Quite the array of talent.  It’s like a Dave Navarro supergroup and I’m Sammy Hagar.  “Have you tried my tequila?  It’ll make you slap your momma and call her daddy.”  That’s me as Sammy Hagar.  This league is a standard Yahoo league with a 1400 max IP for pitchers.  Anyway, here’s my Yahoo 12-team, mixed league draft recap:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

After Jada Pinkett Smith started the #closerssowhite controversy, boycotting SAGNOF until there were more black closers, because her husband, Will Smith, wasn’t immediately anointed closer of the Brewers, the entire MLB began a well-needed discussion about race.  Our Commissioner Manfred said, “I thought about this for a brief second, then I realized the entire league is Dominican.  I mean, before I was chosen as commissioner I had to vacation in Punta Cana for a long weekend just to ‘feel the vibe’ as Selig said.”  Jada Pinkett Smith said she will not sleep until her husband gets saves or Torii Hunter comes out of retirement and is made closer of one of those real white teams, “Maybe Minnesota.”  Closers So White lives on.  Will Smith’s closer season, however, looks about as promising as an After Earth sequel.  On Saturday, it was reported he tore his LCL.  He tore his 150?  That’s like when Pablo Sandoval’s dyslexic cousin saw Pablo tore his 501’s.  My money’s on Jeremy Jeffress getting the most saves in Milwaukee this year.  My money also has Alfred E. Neuman on it.  Jeffress is the top guy from the Brewers pen in my top 500 with Corey Knebel up next.  The fantasy baseball war room has been updated, as well.  (By the way, some rejected titles for this post were Collateral Ligaments of the World Ain’t Nothing But Trouble and Will Smith Gettin’ Limpy With It.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I briefly considered doing a closers to target post, but that’s Smokey’s domain and I didn’t want any trademark infringements happening.  I do like the price of (insert closer name going after 200th overall) because of SAGNOF!  Today concludes the fantasy baseball sleepers‘ portion of our program.  *nudges homeless woman sleeping on my couch that I tried to get Cougs to agree to a threesome with*  No more sleepers, Francine.  Meh, I’ll let her rest.  Like the outfielders to target and the middle infielders to target (shortstops and 2nd basemen), this post is necessary.  You need to target the right names at the end of the draft for starters.  Last year’s starters to target post included Danny Salazar and Shelby Miller.  The year before included Corey Kluber and Sonny Gray.  This year…the world!  Well, not the world, just some starters.  As with other target posts, these guys are being drafted after the top 200 overall.  Anyway, here’s some starters to target for 2016 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We (me) have gone over the catchers, 2nd basemen, shortstops and 3rd basemen to target, cause I have to do everything around here!  Look at me, throwing shade like a lamp in the shape of Nolan Ryan’s arm.  That makes sense…if you don’t think about it!  That’s what I want my bumper sticker to say, my clever t-shirt will say that too and every time I open a fortune cookie, it will say that.  How can I arrange my life so this happens?  I need a personal assistant.  “So, it says you worked as Kanye’s assistant and you bought mirrors for nine months straight….”  That’s me checking the CV of my favorite imaginary assistant.  Okay, so this post is all the outfielders that are being drafted after 200 overall that I have uber-sexy feelings for.  Last year, I featured Saunders, Lorenzo Cain, Adam Eaton, Joc Pederson, Souza, Khris Davis, Fowler and Domonic Brown, because Tehol and I shared a towel and I got an earworm.  Now, this is a (legal-in-all-countries-except-Canada) supplement to the top 100 outfielders for 2016 fantasy baseball.  Click on the player’s name where applicable to read more and see their 2016 projections.   Anyway, here’s some outfielders to target for 2016 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Seems like Andre Ethier followed Natalie Portman’s advice in Garden State a little too closely when she told Braff that The Shins will change your life.  Dodgers announced that Ethier would miss 10 to 14 weeks with a fractured tibia.  What is that, two days after I drafted Ethier in Tout Wars?  Two and a half?  One and one three-quarters of a tibia later?  All you can do is laugh.  A high-pitched, crazed laugh like when you lose your job, then step in an empty elevator shaft.  One of those real crazy laughs that you expect to hear from someone pushing a shopping cart filled with Ho-Ho boxes that have been removed of Ho-Hos and replaced with dog turds.  One of those kind of laughs.  Filling in for Ethier will be some combo of Scott Van Slyke, Carl Crawford, Kike Hernandez and Trayce Thompson, a group that could be summarized with:  Bleh, Meh, Jewish, Girl.  I removed Ethier from my top 100 outfielders and top 500.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As many of you know, I was invited into the NL-Only Tout Wars live draft this past weekend that took place at the SiriusXM building in New York.  The draft started at 10 AM EST on Sunday.  I include EST because I roll like Rodney-O, Joe Cooley and Tupac on PST.  EST is for grandmothers named Ester who die in the middle of spelling their name.  I flew in the day before, which meant I would still be on Tupac time.  I tell you this because I knew it would be a struggle to get up and to the building by 10 AM, so I stayed at a hotel that was literally — yes, I’m literally using the word literally — a block away from Sirius.  I set my alarm clock on my iPhone — “Siri, could you wake me at 8:15 AM, I want to be a winner?”  “Googling Steak Me restaurants for 8:15 dinner.”  I told the hotel I needed a wake up call; I even set my in-room alarm clock.  I was prepared to wake up late even with all of these safeguards.  Well, I woke up on time.  Actually, early.  I did the three S’s and, at around 9:15 AM, with 45 minutes to spare, I ducked into a Starbucks right outside my hotel.  I only needed to walk about 500 feet.  I didn’t need 45 minutes for that even if I was lugging my suitcase.  After dillying and dallying for about 30 minutes in the ‘Bucks, I headed over to Sirius.  Well, that is, I got to about 100 feet away from the front door of my draft when I saw there was a half marathon running down the middle of the street that I needed to cross.  I asked the policeman, “Can I cross here?  I only need to go to that building that we are directly across from.”  “Sorry, pal, you need to go up ten blocks to the subway and cross underneath the street.”  DAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!  I threw my suitcase up in my arms and began to run ten blocks against a marathon and then ten blocks back.  Good times!  Anyway, here’s my Tout Wars recap, it’s a 12 team NL-Only, 4 OF, two catcher, one UTIL and one swingman league:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I don’t do 1st baseman sleepers because there are none.  Okay, I love A.J. Reed like he’s Neve Campbell and Denise Richards and I’m Matt Dillion, but Reed’s a flyer at this point.  If you’re drafting a 1st baseman sleeper, you’re losing your league.  Who are you putting at 1st?   Yonder Alonso?  That’s cool.  Don’t pay your league fees until the end of the year and then duck out of the country.  You feel me?  Okay, stop feeling me, that shizz wasn’t meant literally.  3rd basemen are more or less in the same boat, and that boat is the Titanic and if you draft a sleeper 3rd baseman that doesn’t pan out, you’re gonna sink while holding until to a lady named Rose who gets real old looking, but some of youse have corner men in your league, so we may as well look at a few 3rd basemen for s’s and g’s.  Good?  Good.  These are all 3rd basemen that being drafted after 200 overall.  Keep in mind, nephew (and five niece readers), your Uncle Grey likes to have a corner man drafted by the time these guys appear, so you’re looking at potential utility men more than anything.  Now, this is a (legal-in-all-countries-except-Indonesia) supplement to the top 20 3rd basemen for 2016 fantasy baseball.  Click on the player’s name where applicable to read more and see their 2016 projections.  Anyway, here’s some 3rd basemen to target for 2016 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Astros announced that Lance McCullers would start the year on the DL.  Just like a Mick to skip out on work on St. Patty’s Day.  Keeping an eye on you, Andrew McCutchen!  At least we don’t have to start the year with tears for Fiers.  Everybody wants to rule the Astros rotation!  With it being announced that McCullers would start the year on the DL, I dropped him 15 spots in my starting pitcher ranks and lowered his projections.  He’s now in the top 60 starters vs. the top 40 starters.  He’s a young pitcher with a shoulder issue, so if you take my previous excitement and divide it by my current hesitation, you get the entire Angels team dancing on the head of a pin.  Okay, my math might be off there, but I’m trying to weigh my current cautious optimism with my realistic pessimism.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yo, yo, yo, it’s Money Makin’ Manhattan back again, or as the ladies call me Mmm… I just made the milkshake of Googling “mmm meaning.”  I made that milkshake even though I know what it means.  I also will be using milkshake instead of mistake as a subtle protest to Apple’s autocorrect.  Siri, you made the milkshake of messing with me!  I thought mmm just meant a sound when you’re enjoying something.  Only Google told me, “MMM means Expression of pleasure or contentment, My Main Men, Marjories and Maureens Meanderings, Manual Mind Melt, Mad Minute Monday.”  That then sent me on a two-hour journey around the internet trying to figure out what everything after ‘contentment’ means in that definition.  Are Marjories and Maureens Meanderings nomadic feminist thoughts like, “I could use directions, but Waze’s development team was 100% men and I’m not using it?”  I have a theory that at some point in the future, likely when we’re all dead and gone, people will no longer speak in words, but will only talk in acronyms.  Yes, essentially, everyone will be like the little girl in Sleepless in Seattle that grew up to not shave her armpits on Transparent and Girls.  Potatoes to chips, I’m gonna keep this Head-to-Head fantasy baseball draft strategy so succinct that it could be written on the back of a CVS receipt and still have room for a grocery list for a family of five.  Assuming the family of five has shopped in the previous two months.  If said family was in Breckenridge for a skication, and are just getting home before Rascal, Tommy and Clarafeen have to go back to school, then their shopping list might be too long to fit.  Now if they’re just getting back from Breckenridge and are bringing food with them in coolers that they accumulated over the skication, then there might still be enough room.  More or less contingent on accumulated food and their level of hunger.  Fangraphs has a formula to figure this out.  It converts a CSV table into a CVS receipt.  Quite revolutionary.  I’m surprised Carson Cistulli didn’t mention it in his 250,000 word Wikipedia entry.  Whose Wikipedia page is longer Cistulli or Rosa Parks?  I mean, all she did was refuse to switch seats, Carson hosts a podcast!  Head-to-Head, or H2H, doesn’t change a lot for our 2016 fantasy baseball rankings.  There are 300 billion suns in the Milky Way galaxy.  There are 100s of billions of galaxies in the universe.  There are at least 256,000 planets exactly like Earth.  Yet, there’s only one Mike Trout.  (Though Trike Mout on Planet Spoonerism is pretty good too.  Not a first rounder though.)  H2H doesn’t change that.  The strategy for playing in the middle of the season in H2H leagues changes.  You aren’t hoping Eric Hosmer hits 20 homers by October, but whether or not he’ll hit a homer on Sunday or if you should sit him for Jarrod Dyson to try to win steals.  It’s all about the matchups, y’all!  So you want to build a team that can match up well with any other team.  (FYI, I’ve gone over this stuff before, but some of you might need a pine tree refresher hung from your rear view.)  Anyway, here’s my head-to-head draft strategy:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Like the 2nd basemen to target, this is necessary.  You want to take flyers on late middle infielders.  I like a few top shortstops this year:  Lindor, Seager and Correa, but if you don’t get them, don’t sweat it and definitely don’t ‘panic reach’ for another shortstop just because you feel like you need one.  This is a (legal-in-all-countries-except-Lichtenstein) supplement to the top 20 shortstops for 2016 fantasy baseball.  The players listed have a draft rank after 200 on other sites.  Click on the player’s name where applicable to read more and see their 2016 projections.  Anyway, here’s some shortstops to target for 2016 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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