This was a yearly tradition until I didn’t do it last year, so I’ve decided to bring it back and make it a semi-annual tradition. Semi-annual traditions are better anyway. They’re not as stuffy as annual traditions, being run by a timetable and whatnot. They come and go as they please. ESPN Fantasy Baseball is the number one result in Google when you search fantasy baseball. Yay, for them. But what are people searching Google for when they find Razzball? Since it’s a holiday, I decided to break away from the normal schedule of 2015 fantasy baseball rookies and look at exactly what people do search Google for when they find us. These are all queries straight from our analytics. Last year, we had our biggest year. Over 15 million people found us. (I think about 14.9 million found us with the search query “What is SAGNOF?” Neverthehoo…) That’s a big Happy Thanksgiving to you from all of us here at Razzball. On a side note, I was hospitalized the last two nights with a kidney stone. Why has no comic book hero ever faced a 4-foot tall villain named Kidney Stone? A millimeter-sized one is incapacitating, forget a dwarf-sized one. As I lay in the hospital, I thought about what a lousy way to spend Thanksgiving. Then Cougs posted in the comments the other day what was happening with me, and I realized this wasn’t a bad way to spend Thanksgiving. This was spending it with some of those that I am most grateful for. You. Oh my God, go to the hospital for two days and suddenly you sound reborn into a sap. I’m fine, out of the hospital now, but I might be a bit touch and go until Monday. Anyway, here are 20 actual Google searches for people who found Razzball and my answers to their Google searches:

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Earlier this offseason, it was reported that the Red Sox coaches didn’t like Yoenis Cespedes. Wait until they get a load of Hanley Ramirez! If you were to put “Happiness That You Have Hanley” on the Y-axis and “Time Spent With Hanley” on the X-axis, you would find a line that starts at the top left and slopes right down to the bottom right. For what it’s Wuertz, the enjoyment of Hanley matches directly with the chart of Pancake Eating. After one bite, “Mmm, that is delicious.” After two bites, “Not bad at all.” After three bites, “I’m gonna try and douse these with some maple syrup.” After ten bites, “You gonna share your bacon or should I order my own?” That’s Hanley. Try to douse him with maple syrup, but when it’s July and your team is in the pennant chase and he has a sore hamstring, enjoy! From a real baseball standpoint, I hate the move for the Red Sox. You had Xander Bogaerts for short, you nabbed Panda for 3rd (which I’ll get to shortly) and now you have Hanley playing left and Home Run Derby Champion Yoenis that you have to trade for the most you can get. (By the by, I love that everyone refers to Yoenis as Home Run Derby Champion Yoenis, so I will now do the same.) That’s not even mentioning Allen Craig, Will Middlebrooks, Mookie Betts, Jackie Bradley, Daniel Nava and Juan Francisco. It’s kinda sad that all of those guys would be starting for the Padres (and Astros and Marlins and about ten other teams) and for the Red Sox they’re trade bait. Maybe the Red Sox will also sign Han’s brother, Head. From a fantasy perspective, this is about as good as it gets for Hanley. Will this mean he’ll play 150 games? No, I didn’t say that. It’s hard to account for insouciance (Word of the Day!). If he shows up at Fenway in April and wants to play, great. If he shows up at Fenway in April and doesn’t want to play until August, it wouldn’t surprise me. If we get 150 games from him (it will be nothing short of a miracle), I’d give him the projections of 86/24/91/.266/17. I’d only count on a 130 games though, which would knock him to 72/20/84/.268/12. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2015 fantasy baseball:

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Rock Master Scott from Rock Master Scott & the Dynamic Three, famous for the song, The Roof is on Fire, was vacationing with his family in Pompeii, Italy in the early 1980s, when he saw the ruins in the volcanic ash. He passed his Minolta camera to his grandma, so it wouldn’t bang into anything, and laid on the ground, mimicking a victim from 79 AD. Then, he started screaming the chorus to his now famous song, only since his family was there, he screamed, “Let the motherfudger burn. Burn, motherfudger, burn.” This is a little known fact, similar to the little known rookie prospect, Dalton Pompey. He was barely inside the top 20 for Jays prospects coming into this year. Some people ranked Kevin Pillar above him. The same Kevin Pillar who is followed on Twitter by the Sons of Pam Porn for his conversations with Jason Paritek and Curt Pilling. The same Pillar who is a platoon outfielder at best. The problem with the rankings of others is they are ranking for real baseball value. A center fielder like Pompey, who can hit .250 and steal 30 bases, doesn’t exactly fly the pants flag when it comes to real world prospects. To illustrate, let’s go into the Fantasy Time Machine. In 2007, the Giants received a marginal prospect from the Pirates. A hitter that was ranked the 27th best prospect on the Pirates at the time, in a system that was awful. Baseball Prospectus said at the time, “The Giants didn’t trade much and got less in return with Rajai.” Another article called Rajai, “a non-prospect.” A third article says, “Rajai Davis, the main player the Giants acquired in the deal, presents low upside.” All Rajai had was speed. Rajai hasn’t stolen less than 34 bases in any year since 2009 and has three years above 40 steals while also being crowned The King of SAGNOF. Last year alone, Rajai was the 35th ranked outfielder in fantasy. A) No one knows anything about what a player will do. They’re all guessing. B) The one thing you can count on translating from the minor leagues to the majors is speed. C) There’s no C. Anyway, what can we expect of Dalton Pompey for 2015 fantasy baseball?

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Let’s put it out there upfront, the Dodgers shouldn’t re-sign Hanley Ramirez. Only Earvin Johnson III’s stylist knows exactly what Magic is thinking when it comes to throwing money at a problem. (By the by, am I the only one that thinks Magic’s son may have been a hospital mix-up and is really Charles Barkley’s kid? Could he be The Round Mound Sausage Hound? Earvin Johnson III goes by E.J., and Barkley works on TNT with Ernie Johnson, who goes by E.J. Hmm…) Maybe the Dodgers do re-sign Hanley and then Alex Guerrero becomes a platoon player-slash-fills in for Hanley when he invariably hits the DL and/or doesn’t feel like playing for a month. His last year in Triple-A proved Guerrero can at least compete in the majors. His stats were 15 homers, 4 steals and a .329 average in 65 games. Of course, that was in the PCL, so translating those stats to Earth stats and you have about 7 homers, 2 steals and a .270 average. Not mind-blowing, but remember that’s in only 65 games, so it’s not as awful as it sounds either. A film starring Alex Guerrero called, “Alex Guerrero, He’s Not Awful.” Aw, c’mon, baseball players are like us, they have feelings too, and that’s not nice. He floated a far way on a raft while eating nothing but Cuban sandwiches, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Hint to Fidel: maybe you allow the citizens of your country everything, except rafts. I don’t know, I’m merely a genius on paper. Anyway, what can we expect of Alex Guerrero for 2015 fantasy baseball?

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*rubs hands together, flour residue and sweat mix together forming pizza dough, places pizza dough in oven, pulls out pizza* Hey, I got an excitement pizza for Aaron Sanchez! Or maybe I should just wash my hands. Nah, this is an excitement pizza! Now, hold on, before you start stuffing your mouth with this excitement pizza, we should discuss why it’s so delicious. Last year in a two-month-long foodie festival that is called, A Taste of the Majors, Sanchez had a 1.09 ERA with a 7.4 K/9 in 33 IP. Hey, boring, drop your R because I have a boing! Know what his fastball averaged? 97 MPH. This is weird, I hate camping, but I’m sure pitching tents! I kinda just want to stare at the words-slash-numerals “97 MPH fastball” for a little while longer. Okay, kids might be reading so I need to move on. I’m just feeling so frisky. (Frisky should be spelled frisque; you messed up, English language.) Unfortch, Sanchez was working in middle relief last year with the Blue Jays. “Don’t play in a Holds league, Grey, let’s move on!” Wait a second, Jumpy McJumpstein, Sanchez was predominately a starter in the minors, and the Blue Jays were trying to keep his innings down. Jumpy McJumpstein, “Okay, I’ll calm down. Plus, that Third Eye Blind song just came on ’90s on 9!” Anyway, what can we expect of Aaron Sanchez for 2015 fantasy baseball?

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The Braves had the 5th best ERA last year in the major leagues. That’s with a down year by Mike Minor, and injuries to Brandon Beachy and Kris Medlen. Their runs scored were second to last in the majors. Only the Padres’ offense was worse. So, naturally, they trade away Jason Heyward and Jordan Walden for Shelby Miller and Tyrell Jenkins, who had a sub-5 K/9 in High-A last year. Oh…*pounds out a chicken cutlet, fills it with spinach and ricotta cheese, rolls it up, ties it with twine, bakes it on 450 for 18-22 minutes, pulls it out and breathes in the aroma* …kay. That’s the Chicken Florentine pause. Practiced by many, only able to be pulled off by a few. I rarely pull out the Chicken Florentine pause, but trading a top hitting prospect that is only 25 years old, when your team is hurting for offense, is straight up baffling with a pickleback. Are the Braves trying to bring the entire organization down to Fredi’s level of intelligence? Did Fredi tell management that they had too many top of the order hitters (they have none) and they needed another arm (they don’t)? Are the Braves trying to get featured in the third sequel to Major League? I got questions, y’all! From a fantasy perspective, Heyward’s value goes up simply because the Cardinals are a better offensive team. Like someone doing yoga, Heyward will now be surrounded by Matts, Carpenter and Holliday. What will Heyward produce? Go ask the Sphinx. One year he looks like a 30-homer hitter, another year he looks like a middle infielder with 20 steal speed. He could be anywhere from a 15-homer guy to a 30-homer guy. The 20 steals, now in two of five seasons, looks possible, until you see he has a year of only 2 steals. His .271 average last year is around his career average (.262), so that seems repeatable, until you see his .227 average in 2011. At some point, he could have a 30-homer, 20-steal top 20 fantasy season, but to say it’s definitely coming is you lying to yourself. You already lie to yourself in other areas of your life, let’s not start with Heyward too. For 2015, I’ll give him the projections of 91/20/75/.274/15. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2015 fantasy baseball:

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Another year, another Archie Bradley outlook post. He now has two said posts, which might be it for him, if he can’t start to make good on his promise. Here’s what Prospect Mike said this year on him, “Many fantasy owners thought Bradley might have already made his debut by now, but elbow problems and a D-Backs squad that went nowhere again in 2014 stalled his progress. Kinda like how Grey’s maturity level stalled in the 4th grade.” Hey, I’m way more of a middle schooler! Here’s what I said last year, “Archie reminds me of Taijuan Walker, only rawer. BTW, try to say rawer out loud and not sound like a lion. Yeah, you can’t. Is it me or does it seem the nastier a guy’s stuff is the less control they have over it? It’s like if a hitter doesn’t know where a pitch is going, then the pitcher probably doesn’t either. Another guy Bradley reminds me of is Max Scherzer. It took Scherzer six years to figure out where his pitches were going. Member all of those years I loved Scherzer and he was frustrating to own? Because I love stuff and you just never know when the control is going to come. Bradley’s control could come this year. More than likely, it’ll come in another year or two. He’s only 21 years old. If he doesn’t figure out control until age 24, he’ll still have plenty of time to rack up Cy Young awards, but will be useless for fantasy for another three years. So, I love him like his momma, but there’s no way I’m drafting him in mixed leagues.” And that’s me quoting me! Unfortch, I was way more prescient than I wanted to be with Bradley. So, what can we expect of Archie Bradley for 2015 fantasy baseball?

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During the All-Star break last year, Mark Reynolds aka Mini Donkey, Adam Dunn aka Big Donkey, Ian Stewart aka Mini Mini Donkey and Pedro Alvarez aka El Burro got together to discuss the future of the Donkeys with Adam Dunn retiring. The conference took place at a Chicago-area Sheraton. Outside the Sheraton conference room, a sign read, “Dunn Done and Done?” Caterers vied hard to cater the event. Carpenters stood by in case Dunn sat down wrong on a chair. First to speak was Mini Donkey. He assured Dunn, the Donkeys could continue, saying, “All brays to you, but is this the end? Nay! There would still be all-or-nothing types for years to come.” Alvarez said something, but the translator was a no-show. Ian Stewart placed a cinnamon sugar donut on a pen and took practice swings, eliciting a stink-eye from Dunn. After a good hour of debate, Dunn wasn’t sure; his concern about their future worried him, so, naturally, he turned on the Futures Game. At that point, a Lithuanian maid walked into the conference room with a sign written in Batman-style font. The sign read: WHAMP! At six-foot, five inches, Joey Gallo devastates pitches. Last year, he hit 21 homers in only 68 games in Double-A. Before that, he hit 21 homers in only 58 games in High-A. Last year, 38 homers in 106 games. And he can’t hit above .240 in the minors. Adam Dunn stood up and exclaimed, “Four lady readers and gentlemen, we got ourselves a new Donkey — Big Donkey Jr.! And Ian Stewart please stop wasting donuts.” Anyway, what can we expect of Joey Gallo for 2015 fantasy baseball?

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Noah Syndergaard seemed poised to help the Mets this year, after breezing through Double-A with a 11+ K/9 and a 3.00 ER in 54 IP in 2013. “Matt Harvey on line one, wants Noah to take the call. Sure, he can hold, he only has the Ghost of Ralph Kiner on the other line. No, he can’t hold!” Of course, the Mets can’t have anything nice. It’s what happens when a club makes a deal with the devil in 1986 for a championship and a Cadillac filled with cocaine. “I said to take the compact Pontiac Sunbird filled with coke and 15 years of bad karma, instead of the Cadillac and 30 years of bad karma.” That’s Keith Hernandez explaining his side of things. In June, Syndergaard was sidelined with a sprained shoulder. Egads! But it was his non-throwing shoulder. Egadless! The Mets are in the same pickle as every other organization that has a Triple-A affiliate in the PCL. If they send them to Triple-A, they’re gonna get knocked around. No, I have no idea why they would have a league that shatters pitchers’ confidence. But, there they are. And there was Syndergaard’s confidence being splattered on the wall like a scene from Game of Thrones. Don’t throw a strike, it’s the white walkers! In Triple-A, he threw 133 IP, and had a 9.8 K/9, 2.9 BB/9 and a 4.60 ERA. Lowercase yay. It’s Midnight in the Syndergaarden of Good and Evil and Kevin Spacey is unconvincingly playing a heterosexual. Snoozegaard, you suck, moving on! Or does he? Damn, you reversal question! Anyway, what can we expect of Noah Syndergaard for 2015 fantasy baseball?

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I’m back from my trip to Colombia, without dysentery to boot! Though, I’m not sure if ‘to boot’ is the right verb, if I have dysentery. Though, Part II, The Return Of Thoughs, I also haven’t seen a solid stool in about a week. “Hmm, that looks like bat signal.” That’s you looking in my toilet, taking a Rorschach test. Let’s start with what I said about Castillo when he was first called up, “Here’s what Prospect Mike said about Rusney Castillo previously, “The one tool that is not in question is (Rusney’s) speed. A 30+ steal season from Castillo is a possibility as soon as 2015. The power is still up in the air. Some have tagged him more as an 8-12 homer type guy while others have said 15 or maybe even 20 homers could be in the cards. With any player, we get lots of comps thrown around. Two of the comps I’ve heard the most are Shane Victorino and Rajai Davis. Honestly, the Davis comp makes the most sense to me. The one that makes the least sense is Grey, he’s just a buffoon.” Hey, what’s that all about? To me, the Rajai comparison feels heavy on the speed; Victorino seems a better equivalent, but, honestly, there’s a ton of unknown here. He could be anywhere from a 7 HR/20 SB fourth outfielder to a 20 HR/40 SB superstar. Victorino feels about right — 12 homers, 30 steals. The more I read that he only had 66 steals in 1097 plate appearances in Cuba, I wonder if the hype machine hasn’t taken Rusney and thrown him into the spin cycle, making him more than he is. Shizzton of risk either way you slice the cake, and, brucely, I love cake, so I hope you’re sharing.” And that’s me quoting me and quoting Mike! In his brief cup of coffee (shot of espresso?), Castillo had two homers and three steals while batting .333 in 36 ABs. Call Cooperstown, Castillo’s coming in to sit for his bust sculpting. Or wrap him in plaster of Paris and put him outside of Fenway. We’ve got ourselves an immortal! Okay, but let’s just say for argument’s sake, he’s not an immortal, what can we expect from Rusney Castillo for 2015 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?