After drudging through an Andy Dufresne-type tunnel for the top 20 catchers for 2015 fantasy baseball, I find myself with a group that actually really hurt or helped your team depending on how you drafted. If you went wrong with your 1st baseman, it could kill your season. Hey, Freddie Freeman, no hard feelings from me. We are totally fine since I knew to not draft you. If you went right, you might’ve won your league. If you’re looking at the top 20 1st basemen in a vacuum, it appears that offense is making a comeback. And my what a big vacuum you have! Lots of guys on this list not only did well, but did better than their preseason projections. In fact (Grey’s adding on!), if you followed my rankings (saying to avoid V-Mart and Freeman), you did just fine at 1st base. To recap, this final ranking is from our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater with my comments. Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2015 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It feels like just the other day the baseball regular season started. You wrote “I heart baseball” in permanent marker on your arm, then you met a girl who wrote “I heart guys who heart baseball” on her arm, then, during sex in August, you screamed out “I love you, Arenado!” and now you don’t have baseball or a girlfriend. C’mon, calendar, make like a soldier and turn to March. The only cure for the post-baseball season blues — recapping the preseason top twenty lists and being hand-fed Doritos. First up, Cool Ranch and our preseason Top 20 Catchers for 2015. It’s important to look back before we look ahead to 2016. To paraphrase the one and only B-Real, “How do you know where you’re at, if you don’t know where you’ve been? Understand where I’m coming from?” It wouldn’t be fair for me to preseason rank the players, then rank them again in the postseason based on my opinion, so these postseason top 20 lists are ranked according to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. It’s cold hard math, y’all! Please, for the love that all is holy, don’t ask me if this is for next year. Anyway, here’s the top 20 catchers for 2015 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Welcome back for another star-studded event! Assuming you hack into your favorite online dictionary and replace the definition of ‘star’ with “guy who lives in his mom’s basement and screams when someone finishes his Doritos,” and next to the definition of ‘stud’ you put a picture of yourself. The Razzballies are the only award show where it’s totally fine to show up in sweatpants and for your fingers to be orange from Cheetos. We don’t judge. We will occasionally mock. Mock-judge, tomato-tomahto. Get over it! So, without further ado (cause I have to do a doo), here’s the year-end awards for the best and worst of fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone.
Baseball, the schedule they made put an end to you.
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song,
All I was wearing was a thong.
I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen sunny days when I thought the season would not end.
I’ve seen lonely times for Matt Williams, I mean, he’s a dope, but he can’t even find a friend from his own coaches.
But I always thought that I’d see Giancarlo again.
I believe they call that a prelude, but since it comes the day after the fantasy baseball season wraps up, it’s not a prelude. It’s an epitaph. Here, take a tissue. You have to excuse me, I don’t have any clean ones. What will we do for the next few months without an update on Ryan Zimmerman’s oblique? Will Pablo Sandoval’s back hurt even if we don’t talk about it? What will we do without a Hanley injury update? WHAT? WILL? WE? DO? Prepare for next season, of course. But, first, let’s bask in the last day of the season. Today is the day when you realize you’ve spent 27,000 man hours this summer beating eleven other strangers to win a virtual trophy, and it feels great! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Fall in line, Metropolitans! Fall in line, you strumpets! *Jerad Eickhoff goose steps up and down the starting lineup, screaming* I am going to go nutzi on these weak sister Metropolitan hitters! Nein chance! You have nein chance! *leaning in on Nieuwenhuis* You look Anglo-Saxon, maybe I take it easier on you. Not you, Michael Conforto…*then a small beat, in a pipsqueak voice* Unless you know Mussolini. Do you? *can’t wait for Conforto to answer* Forget it! Fall in line! And the Mets hitters did fall in line. Jerad Eickhoff went 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, to lower his ERA to 2.65, and now has back-to-back 10-K games. Maybe this guy isn’t a Jer-khoff. *looks at his minor league numbers* Yeah, I have no idea. His minor league numbers give the impression that he’ll be a fourth to fifth starter. That’s not for fantasy, that’s for real baseball. A fourth or fifth starter on the Phils, even in 2016, doesn’t scream excitement to me. Sorry, strumpets. For this year, drop him and check out the Stream-o-Nator, there’s only three days left. AHH!!! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s only a few more roundups left on the season, then I’ll be recapping the rest of October, then rookies in November, then sleepers in December, then rankings in January, then I draft Arenado again in February and then March hits and my Cougar wife says to me, “I’ll see you again in October.” So, as you can see, we don’t have a ton of time before next year. So, Part II: So So Again; I wanted to talk briefly about the insanely sexy, hump-taker, Marcus Stroman. Yesterday, he pitched a fantastic little start — 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, to leave his ERA at 1.67 since his return, but I’m more concerned with Stroman for next year. Or as I like to call it, Sixteen after Twenty, The Year of The Stroman. If I call it that, it might give away the ending here, but I’m going to love Stroman in 2016. Stroman, my pain with his fingers. One time, one time. Well, I loved him coming into this year prior to his injury. An injury, mind you and mind the gap, that wasn’t on his arm. What’s to like about Stroman? How about this checklist: solid ground ball rate, solid Ks and excellent control. You know who that is? Dallas Keuchel. Stroman can be that dominant in 2016 too. As for 2015, he’s done, so, yo, Grey, hit the segue! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Lucas Duda went 3-for-5, 3 RBIs with two homers (26, 27). He now has five homers in the last three days. Duda goes from doodie to Duda in the blink of an eye. He’s like a sports car that goes 0 to 60 in five seconds flat that you only drive three times a year, because, while your penis may be small, you’re also reasonable enough to realize if someone crashes into you, you’re going to cry and that’s embarrassing in front of your future trophy wife. It seems like no matter how many games Duda misses and no matter how deep his slumps get, he gets scorching hot at some point and will get to thirty homers. His hot streaks are shorter, but he reminds me of a poor man’s Chris Davis. I will call him Piss Davis. Maybe I won’t call him that to his face. Somehow, Duda is available in over 40% of ESPN leagues. (Though 85% of leagues are abandoned already so he’s owned in 125% of leagues. Hmm…) So, if he’s out there, grab him before he takes the car back into the shop and pays $54,000 for a new taillight. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“Hello, and welcome to the Izod Center in downtown East Rutherford, New Jersey! We’re only 35 minutes from New York! On tonight’s fight card, we have everyone vs. George Zimmerman and, our main event, Bryce Harper vs. Jonathan Papelbon! Harper has him on height by a good six inches, if you count his mohawk. They’re both tipping the scales like heavyweights, if you count their egos, but Papelbon has the reach by three and a quarter inches since Harper will be fighting off his heels, as he’s been known to do his whole career. The Loafer vs. The Soft Shoe! The Cock vs. The Guy With A Haircut That Makes Him Look Like A Cock! The Veteran Who Plays The Game The Right Way vs. The Upstart Who Just Plays The Game Better Than Anyone Else. Hosting this event is Donald Trump. Making this country great again like he did in Atlantic City!” Yesterday, I said, these two mix like vinegar and douche, and then the Nationals made sure they wouldn’t have to mix at all. Papelbon was suspended for the rest of the regular season, which opens the door for Blake Treinen, Matt Thornton and/or Casey Janssen. That’s the order I’d grab them for saves, but like a carrot in minestrone, it’s real dicey. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The other day I made the best purchase of my life (okay, of the last week). I bought a thermometer that has a laser beam on it. You shoot the laser on the object and it tells you its exact temperature. It’s meant–Actually, I don’t know what it’s meant for. I bought it because our oven seems to be about 100 degrees off. Though, I got it five days ago and I haven’t used it for the oven once, but have measured the temperature of about twelve hundred other things. The coldest drinking water I’ve had was 49 degrees at this pizzeria around the corner from my house. Oh, yeah, I’ve been taking this out with me. I’ll go up to people on the street, shoot their temperature and be like, “You have a fever, you might want to take an aspirin.” I like to put on my flip flops when they’re between 68 to 71 degrees. Any colder and it stiffens my toes, any warmer and it raises my body temperature a full .4 degrees. I know this because I have a thermometer with a frickin laser on it! So, how does this relate to fantasy baseball? I was watching Justin Bour slug his 23rd homer yesterday, his 2nd of two homers in the game, and I shot his temperature. A blistering 109 degrees! Doode’s fahrenhot! Doode is straight butter that a professional hibachi chef puts on a sizzling lobster tail! Doode’s Kurt Russell in Backdraft! Yes, you should own him. In fact (Grey’s gonna say more!), you should’ve owned him for the last few months. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Cardinals never not produce prospects out of nowhere. Double negatives don’t not be damned. Or is that be damned? There’s likely hundreds if not thousands (maybe five or six) prospects that have come out of nowhere for the Cardinals. The big one I can think of is Albert Pujols. Pujols was originally signed as the 402nd pick overall and turned down an offer of $10,000 to play instead in the National Baseball Congress, against Dick Gephardt and Nancy Pelosi. Finally, he signed with the Cardinals when no one else wanted him. We know how that turned out. Jason Motte was a 19th round selection in 2003, and he was still closing games this year (though for the Cubs). In 2001, the Cards drafted a little known shortstop, Michael J. Fox, in the last round and he had a fine career in sitcoms and starring film roles. So, Thomas Pham was drafted in the 16th round of 2006 and came up with little fanfare. “Little fanfare?” No way, this is St. Louis baseball, we have the best fans yadda whatever! Pham was considered a fringe prospect at best and a Thai beef salad at worst. Could’ve Pham just got lost in the shuffle? In 2014, he had 10 HRs, 20 SBs, hitting .324 in Triple-A. Then, with no room to play in the majors, he went back to Triple-A this year and hit 6 HRs with 9 SBs and a .327 average in 48 games. He’s likely more interesting in fantasy than real baseball, but, guess what, you numbnuts, we’re talking about fantasy. For 2016 fantasy baseball, I could see him being a 14 HR, 25 SB, .280 hitter, who gets a huge boost if he stays at the top of the order as he’s been doing thus far. For right now, Pham’s hitting near-.400 in the last week, and taking this back to the beginning with Pujols, he’s in the two-hole with his Phamy jewels. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?