I’ve mentioned this before and might again if I do a Domingo Santana sleeper post, which I’m toying with and don’t end a sentence with with — dah!  The Brewers might be the first team in history that would have a lesser than 40% chance of scoring one run with the bases loaded and no outs due to their crazy strikeouts.  Everyone on the team Ks at an obscene rate.  It’s like their hitting coach is Rob Deer.  “Guys, you have to wait for your pitch.”  *ball bounces in dirt, three feet in front of Keon Broxton*  “Why didn’t you swing at that?  I said wait for the pitch, as in swing at every pitch when it gets to the plate — ball or strike!”  That’s Rob Deer, hitting coach.  If nothing else, it’s worth noting the team’s strikeouts for pitching streamers going against them when we get there.  The 2016 Brewers had the worst strikeout rate since 1902 with 25.5%.  The top 30 are all in the last ten years, so there’s definitely been a change in the game, but there ya go.  Keon Broxton might be the worst offender of swinging and missing on a team that is historically terrible (yes, at some point this is going to turn positive for Keon).  Losing Chris Carter’s 32% K-rate will help, but Keon Broxton’s K-rate was 36.1%.  “Terrific!  I love that aggressive approach!”  That’s Rob Deer again.  Broxton’s percentage of contact with balls outside the strike zone is 39.4%.  That’s historically bad.  Last year, the worst mark for qualified hitters was, once again, Chris Carter at 42.2%.  Of course, logic tells us if you’re not swinging at many pitches outside the strike zone, then it doesn’t matter.  Here, Broxton actually excels.  He swings at pitches outside the zone only 22.1% of the time, about the same as Matt Carpenter, Trout and Goldy.  There’s hope!  Finally!  “I’d like to see him swing more at pitcher pitches.”  Shut up, Rob Deer!  Then there’s the fact that he only makes contact with pitches inside the strike zone at a 76% rate, which would be the 2nd worst in the majors, tied with, you guessed it, Chris Carter.  Sigh.  So, what can we expect from Keon Broxton for 2017 fantasy baseball and what makes a sleeper?

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The White Sox traded Adam Eaton for Reynaldo Lopez, Dane Dunning and top pitching prospect, Lucas Giolito; the second day in a row top prospects are headed to the White Sox.  It doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibilities that Theo Epstein is studying abroad this winter and abroad is the South Side of Chicago.  “Excuse me, but, uh, why do you have this electrodes hooked up to my brain?”  That’s Theo Epstein as Rick Hahn dips out of the interrogation room to get coffee.  If I were a fan of a club that had no chance of winning next year, I’d want my team to go about rebuilding like the White Sox.  “What, you don’t like our signing of Ian Desmond?”  I’ll get to you in a second, Rockies.  The White Sox have taken a bunch of lemons, planted lemon seeds next to a sugar plantation that they purchased off eBay and should have lemonade in a few years.  They might even trade that old guy from the Country Time Lemonade commercial for another prospect!  As for fantasy, Adam Eaton went 14/14 and 14/18 the last two years, which is deceptively awful.  It’s one thing to go 14/14, it’s another thing to go 14/14 in 619 ABs.  He’s like Markakis as a middle infielder.  If you own Eaton in any fantasy league shallower than 14-team mixed, you should lose your league.  The problem with a guy like Eaton in a shallower league is anyone who is even half paying attention should be able to beat his stats with just a few decent waiver wire grabs.  You can likely beat Eaton’s numbers by just streaming hitters every day, and never even holding any guy who gets hot.  Eaton’s stats come out to one homer and one steal every two weeks.  Holy Jewish Jesus, that’s bad.  Sure, there’s some value to his 90+ runs and .280+ average, but if you can’t get runs and average that matches that from streaming, again, you deserve to lose.  For 2017, I’ll give Eaton the projections 102/12/49/.277/16 in 605 ABs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2017 fantasy baseball:

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Red Sox made a huge splash yesterday trading away Yoan Moncada, Luis Alexander Basabe, Victor Diaz and Michael Kopech for Chris Sale.  Red Sox must be appealing to Bernie Sanders with their rotation: two lefties named Sale and Price.  Dave Dombrowski sure does love to trade away his top prospects.  Dombrowski buys 10 copies of Baseball Prospectus every year, crosses out the ‘u,’ and barters them for two cartridges of Nintendo Baseball Stars.  Dombrowski used to have four young kids, until he traded them to a Mormon family for an honors student three months from graduating high school.  Dombrowski dreams of finding the Fountain of Youth so he can trade it for a veteran fountain.  I’m not going to compare Sale to Price even if the Jew in me wants to talk wholesale.  Price had concerning stats going into last year and is older.  Of course, some of Price’s concerning stats were a lower K-rate and a falling velocity on his fastball, which are two warning signs with Sale too.  Okay, maybe I will compare the two.  Sale’s fastball velocity went from 94.5 MPH to 92.8 MPH, while relying on it 7% more of the time.  You’re a big-time Razzball noob — Razzboob? — if you think I’m going to suggest you draft an ace, and Sale is no different.  I’m not about to say he’s going to fall off, but declining velocity, K-rate and rising xFIP is not an ace I’d be excited about.  For 2017, I’ll give him the projections of 18-8/3.31/1.08/244 in 225 IP.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2017 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Winter Meetings concluded day two yesterday at the Gaylord National Resort & Convention Center.  Seen at the Gaylord so far was the best free agent starter (Rich Hill) signing, one of the best closers available (Mark Melancon) signing, and Curt Schilling protesting that the Gaylord Resort should not be allowed to marry.  “Is it going to start calling a lobby ‘Bobby’ and adopt a baby too?”  That’s Curt Schilling with his own special brand of crazy. With Giants’ signing of Mark Melancon, I’m saddened to remember all the good times I had over the past few years with the Giants’ bullpen.  Here’s those times condensed into a single run-on sentence, “I can’t believe I drafted Santiago Casilla, ugh, maybe I’ll back him up with Sergio Romo, oh man, that hurts just as bad, fine, I will grab Hunter Strickland, and he’s killing me too.”  Scene.  Yeah, those times, in theory at least, are behind those owning the Giants’ new closer, Melancon.  For 2017, I’ll give Melancon the projections of 4-1/2.26/0.97/58, 42 saves in 62 IP.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2017 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In an industry, ‘pert 12-team mock draft that I recently participated in, I grabbed Max Kepler with the 194th overall pick, and, quite honestly, I could’ve likely took him in the final round, or just grabbed him off waivers if there were waivers in a mock draft, which there’s not.  No one cares about the Twins.  I’d say Twins lives matter, but I’m not trying to incite riots.  One quick point on that, when someone says “Save the whales” they’re not saying, “I hope a dolphin gets caught in a tuna net and is fed to a group of Japanese tourists as they watch The Cove.”  It’s save the whales, not save the whales and eff all other fish.  Here’s my 2017 mock draft team, if anyone’s interested.  I’d put little to no weight on my draft.  I had zero prep and was asked about an hour prior to participate.  Last year in 113 games and 396 ABs, Kepler went 52/17/63/.235/6.  Obviously, the average is puke-green trying to play itself as Fern Green, Army Green or Avocado.  You’re puke-green, and you’re caught.  The rest is not bad at all.  Mr. Prorater, the assessor of missed time, would put his line at 67/21/79/.240/8.  Though, we must remember, when one assesses, they make an ass out of esses, and that’ll get you killed in some hoods.  So, what can we expect from Max Kepler for 2017 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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Just as I went around the league and highlighted 2017 fantasy baseball rookies, I will now do the same with 2017 fantasy baseball sleepers.  These sleepers are gonna be so butter margarine gonna be like, “Yo, you got me, I’m not real.”  These sleepers are gonna be so terrific they’re gonna call up the West Virginian woman, Terri Fic, and tell her to change her name.  These sleepers are gonna be so illuminating they’re gonna explain WHAT THE HELL IS THE HARMON FAMILY HIDING?!  Seriously:  what is Pam Dawber, her husband Mark Harmon and their kids, Sean Harmon and Ty Harmon hiding with all of these blocked accounts?  If they are living in a log cabin somewhere in the mountains, I say send in the U.S. Marshals!  We want answers, Mark Harmon and Co.!  Does NCIS stand for Notably Cloaked In Secrecy?  I want to know!  So, our first sleeper is Byron Buxton.  Hayzeus Cristo!  I just wrote Buxton’s name and ran into the bathroom while screaming, “Give me five minutes of peace and quiet I need to explore myself!”  No, there is no particular order with these sleepers, but I am kinda goofy crazy for Buxton.  Last year, he disappointed with 10 HRs, 10 SBs and a .225 average.  Luckily, this isn’t last year, fantasy baseball fans and fans of Mark Harmon conspiracy theories who found us in Google.  So, what can we expect from Byron Buxton for 2017 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I think this is going to be my last rookie outlook post.  If someone pops up sometime in the preseason, maybe I’ll return, but I need to move onto sleepers, and Winter Meetings updates.  Here’s what I said when Jose De Leon first came up, “There’s gonna be a lot of haters out there about Jose De Leon.  It’s the times we live in.  His great-great-great-great grandfather was the original body-shamer.  Ponce De Leon set out about five hundred and fifty years ago looking for the Fountain of Youth because, his words, “My old bitty needs to go bye-bye if she continues to sag in the FUPA area.”  He was also the originator of the common 1500s phrase, “Ponce upon a time you looked good, girl.”  A phrase that has rightfully disappeared from common speech before any more women were hurt by vernacular manslaughter, so to speak.  As for Jose De Leon, he’s got the youth thing for days, but he’s not quite as young as Julio Urias, which I’m gonna say is a good thing in this case, because Urias is so raw he may as well be carrying botulism.  De Leon, 23 years old, is destroying Triple-A on the current — 13.8 K/9, 3.06 ERA — which is more or less same-same what he’s been doing for the last two years.  Even more importantly, the Dodgers have an immediate need with their rotation a M.A.S.H. unit, a Jamie-Farr-kin joke.”  And that’s me quoting me!  De Leon ended up with a 11.6 K/9 and a 2.61 in 86 1/3 IP in Triple-A.  There’s nowhere else for De Leon to go but the majors in 2017, so let’s segue this sucka.  Anyway, what can we expect from Jose De Leon for 2017 fantasy baseball?

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Hunter Renfroe, or as Scooby-Doo calls him ‘Hunter Renfroe,’ is gorge.  I’m a smitten kitten hanging from a string on an inspirational poster that reads, “Hang in There.”  Why so gorge?  Or better still, why does he make me engorged?  Actually, that’s not better, and I apologize profusely as Johnnie Cochran or Gorilla Monsoon would say.  Why is it that Johnnie Cochran and Gorilla Monsoon are the only ones ever to use the word profusely?  I’m gonna be the third person to use it, profusely.  So why gorge?  Have you seen Renfroe’s swing?  Or as Scooby would say, “Have you seen Renfroe’s swing?”  Here it is:

I wanna watch the first 5 seconds of that over and over again, but as Cougs will tell you, I’m good for at least 15 seconds.  That home run was only measured at 413 feet.  I’m guessing the guy that walks, heel to toe, out from home plate to where the ball lands, lost count.  That’s an easy 470 foot homer if I’ve ever seen one.  That’s right, I measure with my eyes!  *cabinet behind me collapses*  Oops, might’ve measured wrong.  In 11 games last year with the Padres, Renfroe hit 4 homers and .371.  Okay, he’s a Padre, I get it, but I’m profusely interested.  Anyway, what can we expect from Hunter Renfroe for 2017 fantasy baseball?

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In the minor leagues this year, Dylan Cozens had 40 HRs and 21 steals, winning the Top Offensive Player award.  Ha.  Dubya tee eff.  His minor league numbers are so insane they call up Gary Busey and ask for his advice.  His minor league numbers are so crazy they voted for Trump simply because Scott Baio endorsed him.  His minor league stats are so bonkers that they want to marry Blac Chyna and try to make her a housewife.  His minor leagues stats are so stupid they threw paint on a dog because it was wearing fur.  I call this the Cozens.  It’s similar to The Dozens, but with Cozens.  Ask a Mormon wife whose hat that is and she says, “Husbands.”  These rhymes I’m Putin out there are from Russland.  All that hair is on your back land, not Bob.  I’m eating pigeon but all fancy like squab.  Got a buddy named Robert who has a green afro and I call him broccoli raab.  Aw…yeah!  It’s my rap alter ego, B-Fire!  Get some crunk juice, snitches!  Okay, not sure where that came from but sometimes shizz needs to be freestyled, or in this case, free-stDylan.  Anyway, what can we expect from Dylan Cozens for 2017 fantasy baseball?

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Happy Black Friday!  Oops, sorry, I mean Happy African-American Friday!  As I type this, I’m being trampled at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  “There’s enough Scrub Daddys for everyone!”  The Diamondbacks got a head start on Black Friday sales on Wednesday when they traded Jean Segura, Mitch Haniger and Zac Curtis to the Mariners for Taijuan Walker and Ketel Marte.  What’s that old axiom, if you don’t know who the sucker is at the table, you’re the sucker.  Mariners, you’re the sucker.  If anyone forgot that the Diamondbacks fired Dave Stewart immediately following the end of the season, this was a reminder.  If Stewart were still there, the Diamondbacks would’ve traded Greinke for Todd Walker.  As Dave Stewart would say after reading that, “I’m not mad at ya.”  Don’t love the move to Chase Field for Walker, but the NL West makes that medicine go down a little easier, chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cher-ee!  Walker had a 8 K/9 and 2.5 BB/9 last year in 134 1/3 IP.  That goes up to 8.5 in the NL West and he’s pretending to yawn as he puts his arm around a low to mid-3 ERA.  The only thing that’s stopping you from nodding your head like a plus-size Pez is that Walker hasn’t done it yet.  He’s only 24 years old, not doing it yet isn’t a great excuse for never doing it.  For 2017, I’ll give him the projections of 12-11/3.44/1.18/153 in 160 IP.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2017 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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