Y’all know why this is happening to Kris Medlen, right? Why he’s preparing for Tommy John surgery? It’s the breeding patterns of the Flat-Billed Pitchypus and their likely extinction. If you iron your hat brim, you are putting yourself and potentially your family in grave danger. Exhibit A: Shawn Chacon now works at a Los Pollos Hermanos, making ‘deliveries.’ SPOILER ALERT! Wait, you need to know what I’m spoiling first. True Detective SPOILER ALERT! The Yellow King’s face looks like that due to ironing the brim of his hat while it was on his head. So, due to climate changes, mating rituals and the long hunting season of the Flat-Billed Pitchypus, the Braves went out and got Ervin Santana. The Baltimore Orioles said, “Aw, shucks, we were gonna sign him for sixteen dollars the day after the season started.” Too bad, O’s. Against me better judgement, I’m gonna talk like a leprechaun and move Ervin Santana up a hair in my top 80 starters and my top 400. Plus, we lost Randall Delgado, Kevin Gausman and Brandon Beachy, so there was room. Oh, have I mentioned I moved Beachy down? Yeah, I don’t like that he has soreness in his biceps. Prediction Alert! In the next few years, Dr. James Andrews is going to reveal to the world a serious gambling problem, and that’s why everyone that goes under his knife needs follow-up surgery and a massive amount of check-ups. Someone’s gonna pay the kitty, ya heard? Anyway, here’s what else I’ve seen in Spring Training for 2014 fantasy baseball:
Mike Minor – Should return to the Braves rotation in time for the 2nd week of the season. Will depend on how good he’s throwing and the shape of his urethra. “It looks cylindrical.” That’s Minor’s urethra doctor. And now starting for your Atlanta Braves…Freddy Garcia and The Great Khali! Oh, wait, they’re the same person. Maybe they can find out what Barry Zito’s up to.
Alex Wood – Has a zero ERA through 10 spring innings. Guess who drafted him the other day for his Tout Wars team? That guy! *points at the reflection of self in mirror*
Yasmani Grandal – Started playing in games as he works his way back from a torn ACL. There’s a chance he breaks camp with the Padres as their starter. And… Dah! I tried to work up some enthusiasm. Hold on, I’m going to stand and do a Wonder Woman pose that I learned on a Ted Talks and see if I can build the confidence to say something nice about Grandal. …Dah! Didn’t work. Sorry. He’s around a 10-homer, .260 catcher. It’s a’ight in two-catcher leagues.
Chase Headley – Could see game action next week. Wouldn’t surprise me to see him ready for the start of the season, maybe he misses a few games. Still don’t mind precaution when drafting him since he hit 13 homers last year.
Starlin Castro – Out until next week with his hammy. Speaking of hammy, word is Castro gained some weight in the offseason. Did he gain it all in his right eyelid? Is Forest Whitaker the Cubs shortstop? I got questions, y’all!
Javier Baez – He survived the last round of prospect cuts and will play 2nd base next week. Oh my goodness gracious, I’m standing here besides myself! I am getting goose pimples on my nethers! I’m going to kidnap a Guatemalan baby and name it Javier Baez Albright! Cubs say he’s still going to open season in minors. Oh.
Jonathan Broxton – May not be ready for Opening Day. After all the work his pants do to get around his ass, the least he could do is get ready for games.
Jose Iglesias – Fielded grounders, took BP and jogged. But did he do all that while chewing gum?
Samuel Deduno – Favorite for the 5th rotation spot in Minnesota. When you consider that Ricky Nolasco is the Twins number one, there’s no real number five rotation spot. There’s 5.1, 5.2, 5.3, 5.4 and 5.5.
Brett Wallace – Astros released him. Don’t worry about him, the Yakult Swallows can build a whole team around Brett-san, and in his spare time he can solve missing persons cases. “Last I saw Suzie Oh she was with Nyjer Morgan…. We need Brett-san!” *Top Chef swish pan to Brett Wallace trying to read a Japanese street sign*
Livan Hernandez – Retired from baseball. Livan, ever the workhorse, is off to stud, where he will spend his days siring future 110+ pitches per game colts on Nolan Ryan’s ranch.
Jhoulys Chacin – To the DL to start the year. Chacin said, “The good thing is I’m feeling good. My ball is coming out good.” TMI, Chacin. Tee. Em. Eye.
Justin Smoak – Lloyd Banks McClendon said that Smoak is his 1st baseman. A reporter said, “No foolsies?” McClendon responded in the affirmative, “No foolsies.” This actually has unforeseen repercussions that refurbishate (Made Up Word of the Day!) through my whole top 400. I was expecting Corey Hart to man 1st base, at least most of the time, but now he’s going to DH or play outfield. DH, I don’t mind. Outfield? Doode’s got a tin can for a knee! I lowered my Corey Hart at-bats, which lowered him in my top 20 1st basemen, top 60 outfielders and top 400 overall. I also added Smoak.
Oscar Taveras – Matheny said Oscar’s not making the club out of Spring Training. Well, dur. Of course, he isn’t. There’s nowhere for him to play and he’s recovering from ankle surgery. As commenter JDW said, “The bildungsroman that is Oscar Taveras’s young, snake-bit baseball career stirs in me the kind of frustration that makes me want to kick a complete stranger in the nuts. Preferably that stranger would be Oscar Taveras.”
Mark Mulder – Angels released him. Mulder will return to his TV career, chasing aliens and looking forlornly at Gillian Anderson’s pursed lips.
Josh Hamilton – Will see his first action this Sunday. That’s his first Cactus League action. Obviously he’s had other action with those fancy Head & Shoulders commercials and the years of doing blow.
Trevor Cahill – Day-to-day with a jammed knee. He shouldn’t miss a start and will be selling his knee jam recipe to Smucker’s.
Matt Kemp – Played one inning in a minor league game yesterday. He said he felt “a little weird.” Weird to be healthy? Yeah, I could see that.
Dee Gordon – Speculation is running rabid that Gordon is the Dodgers starting 2nd baseman. This means A) People not only know what Mattingly is thinking but also what he’s saying. B) Gordon will be the starting 2nd baseman on Opening Day, but that could end fifteen days into the season. C) There’s no C. I like Gordon as a late round flyer, say around pick 220-ish, but keep B in mind. Dee Gordon could be the starter in Australia and out of a job by May. I did move him up in my top 400 and the top 20 shortstops to reflect his new opportunity.
Cole Hamels – Threw a bullpen session on Wednesday morning. Right after his granola and prior to his new calendar photo shoot.
David Buchanan – Candidate for the fifth starting job in Philly. That’s David Buchanan of a 4.82 ERA in Double-A last year and an under 6 K-rate. When told he was a candidate, he laughed then said, “Seriously?”
Jeff Manship – The other candidate for the Philly job. This could be Manship’s best month since April 1978 when he opened for Sister Sledge.
Jimmy Rollins – In an interesting development (for 2008), Sandberg has been benching a healthy Rollins for Freddy Galvis. When reporters asked Sandberg about Rollins, he said, “No comment.” There was no snap of the fingers, but there may as well have been! I don’t think there’s much here. It’s like a stepfather coming into the picture when the son is 34 years old. There is gonna be less mess with Charlie Manuel gone, and a whole lot less gibberish. Plus, Galvis is a .230 hitter in almost 400 major league at-bats.
Ricky Romero – Since Ervin rebuked the Blue Jays — rebuked, I tell ya! — Romero has a chance to make the Jays. Marcus Stroman is also in that mix. Stroman’s got the best chance of making the first week’s Buy column if he makes the club. With Romero, I’d want to see something decent first.
Brandon Morrow – Allowed one earned run in three innings vs. the Canadian junior team. Was the girls national softball team unavailable?
Francisco Cervelli – Drawing lots of trade interest. I wonder if it’s from any of the teams in my two-catcher AL-Only league.
Rafael Furcal – Day-to-day with a tweaked hamstring. Everyone in the Marlins clubhouse is rallying behind him. Yelich said, “Furcal’s like this grandfather figure around the team and that’s so awesome.”
Salvador Perez – Completely recovered from his bruised left palm. The injury occurred when he forgot to send flowers to his abuelita’s grave and he did a facepalm.
Doug Fister – Played catch and didn’t feel any pain. He obviously wasn’t playing catch with a shot put. No, seriously, he wasn’t.
Wilmer Flores – Probably because I’m deep in an NFBC slow draft that has gone on for countless days (17) and is countless rounds deep (50), I’m looking at players that I wouldn’t normally care about. One such player is Wilmer Flores. Sure, I’m kinda only mentioning him to see how long until someone else in my league takes him, but the Mets have been trying him out at short. The Mets view Ruben Tejada with the same disdain that a Jew views a Nazi, so Flores really only needs to field just a little to stick at short. Why do you care? Flores could hit 20 homers in the majors with a .270 average. Boing!
Ike Davis – Wearing a walking boot. He got the boot when he didn’t pay his fines for screwing over fantasy owners last year.