You ever go to a flea market and you have no interest in buying anything? You see some little old lady wearing a sweater, even though it’s 95 degrees, selling a collection of hummels and they’re priced like they’re gold bullion. You pass. You walk further and see a man with mutton chops selling corn cob pipes, but you already have one. You’re only at the flea market because your lady friend dragged you there. You kinda just want to go home — but then! — then you see someone selling an original Derek and the Dominos vinyl. It’s a limited edition Layla record from the former republic of Yugoslavia. There’s scratches all over it and it barely plays, but it’s from 1970 and it says Layla in some weird language and it’s priced at $3. You buy it. That’s Chris Johnson, a scratchy Yugoslavian Layla record. The Diamondbacks aren’t buying, but the Astros are selling so aggressively that they’ll make a buyer out of everyone. So, you make the small sacrifice to carry something the rest of the day, even though you enjoyed being unencumbered, and now you got Chris Johnson. When Johnson gets back to Arizona, he’s going to hit .270 with light power just like he’s a broken record. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Brett Wallace – Recalled to replace Chris Johnson. Our prospect writer, Scott, just went over his Brett Wallace fantasy yesterday. Click that linkie-ma-whosie or scroll down. The choice is yours, Black Sheep.
Lucas Harrell – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and the Win and somehow the Stream-o-Nator was right on telling you to do this stream. As you pass it in a bar, the Stream-o-Nator nods in your general direction, too involved with a group of females.
Francisco Liriano – Liriano used to have a lot of stuff. He had stuff that blew away hitters. Then he had surgery and he lost some of his stuff. The second version of his stuff. Then he pitched for a few years and seemed to lose stuff each time he took the mound. His third, fourth and fifth versions of his stuff. Now he takes what little stuff he has left in an overnight bag to the White Sox. Sometimes you see hitters or pitchers moved to teams that kill them just so they don’t have to face them anymore. The White Sox actually are gonna lose two games with this trade just because they won’t be able to face Liriano anymore. He had a near-7 ERA against the White Sox just this year and 5.34 ERA in July against everyone. The Padres would’ve had a nice reclamation project with Liriano. The Marlins could’ve done something with him. The White Sox? You have exactly the same pitcher in an “extreme hitter’s park.”
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as he recorded his second shutout of the year. You know how Jim Leyland’s cigarette-stained teeth make him look like one of those clown head’s at a carnival that has water sprayed into its mouth but instead of water it’s urine? Now the exact opposite of that image is Kershaw.
Logan Morrison – To the 15-day DL with knee inflammation and could be out the rest of the season. Backdate this news to March.
Josh Johnson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks. That’s a lot of balls for one Johnson.
Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a steal, and he homered yesterday as he now bats 3rd. Every player who puts together a crazy contract season and/or a player that sits out the last day of games so he can win the batting title should get sent to the Marlins and one of their patented sell-offs. It’s like Burgess Meredith breaking his glasses.
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-4 with a steal, after hitting a homer on Saturday. He’s hitting .359 with 8 homers in 131 ABs. Meanwhile, his brother Pecorino went 0-for-3 getting his mom to cut him some slack already about finding a job.
Kris Medlen – Set to start on Tuesday unless the Braves trade for someone. It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of Medlen. A Medfan, if you will. Though, you probably shouldn’t. I will be peddlin’ Medlen! Yeah, not much better. He will only throw about 70 pitches on Tuesday, so don’t go too crazy for him in his first start.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. Grumblings of “about fhucking time” for those that have had him since draft day.
Colby Rasmus – Hit a homer on Saturday. He was hot for about two months then went ice cold. And I say what’s cooler than bein’ cool? Ice cold! Rasmus may be heating up again. Hey ya!
Brian Roberts – Having season-ending hip surgery. Not sure how long he’ll be out, but Gertude Brodsky had a similar surgery and was out of the World Shuffleboard Circuit for 18 months.
Wei-Yin Chen – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks. Now that’s some Choice Chen. Move over Blake DeWitt, there’s a new man in town with a mother named Joyce.
Omar Quintanilla – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a homer. Omar’s coming yo! I talked to Rudy yesterday on the phone and he was pumped about our AL-Only pick up Omar Quintanilla. Ah, the joys of AL-Only. In the last week, Quintanilla is hitting near .370, and doesn’t have much speed or power. In the big picture, he’s a background extra that keeps smiling into the camera and needs to be replaced.
Mat Latos – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks in Coors. I’ll say it for you…Sonavabench! And if you started him here, well, you could make your testicles into one of those coconut monkey banks and start saving for your kid’s college tuition.
Drew Stubbs – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (21). This was also his 2nd game in a row with a homer. That’s the Stubb-bubb.
Ben Revere – 2-for-4 with two steals. He now has 24 steals and a .315 average. As Revere screamed, the SAGNOF is coming! The SAGNOF is coming! Then, as our country’s history tells us, Revere stopped in a bakery in Boston, took Margaret Peabody into a churner and originated the phrase, “Butter face.”
James McDonald – 5 IP, 5 ER vs. the Lastros. Has now given up 20 earned runs in his last 20 2/3 innings. E, I, E, I, E, I, Oh, crap. McDonald sends his condolences to good. That’s not a regression… THIS IS A REGRESSION. I wouldn’t drop McDonald in all leagues, but he can’t be started anywhere at this point. You need to see at least a quality start first. You can try to sell him, but it’s hard to sell a guy when the player is obviously, dramatically, adverbially regressing.
Kevin Correia – Asked the Pirates to trade him. This is huge news if said aloud and out of context. Seriously, turn to the guy in the cubicle next to you and tell them, “Corriea lifted the trade embargo.”
Starling Marte – 2-for-5 with a steal. The Pirates have made good on their promise to start him every day, and have also hit him lead off. He’s also hitting .222 and has a caught stealing, but that’s no surprise. As soon as he gets on base, they should play Been Caught Stealing.
Shane Victorino – 3-for-4 and a slam (9) and legs (24). In 2008, I could’ve asked you, “In four years, who will be the most valuable Phillie: Howard, Rollins, Utley or Victorino?” You would’ve got it wrong. If I would’ve asked you before the 2012 season which Phillie hitter from those 4 would be the most valuable, you would’ve got it wrong too. Don’t sweat it, I would’ve too.
Neftali Feliz – Scratched from his rehab start with discomfort in his elbow. My best guess is he’ll be out for another month. My moderately good guess is he’s done for the season. My worst guess is he’ll retire from baseball, open up a sunglass kiosk in my bathroom and try to sell back to me my own sunglasses.
Corey Hart – 4-for-5, 3 runs and a slam (19) and legs (4). It would be kinda cool if Corey Hart bought sunglasses from my bathroom.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and another homer. Okay, if you pick him up, I promise to tell you when to drop him.
Rickie Weeks – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer. Now hitting around .400 in the last week and hitting near .300 for the month of July. If someone dropped him because he was playing about as well as the Kristin Cavallari years of The Hills, I’d give him a shot. He’s not quite Bobby Bonds and Jeff Kent’s adopted son that they raised in secret because the public wasn’t as tolerant at the time, but Weeks is also not a .150 hitter.
Steve Lombardozzi – 3-for-5 and a homer and has hit in 7 of last ten games while taking over for the injured Desmond. (Hitting in 7 of ten games isn’t much of a compliment, but Lombardozzi is worth a shot in deep leagues.)
Paul Maholm – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. No idea who he is. Never heard of him before. Pretty sure I haven’t mentioned him after each of his last four starts. I mean, technically it would be impossible since I’ve never heard of him.
Mike Trout – Scratched before yesterday’s game. I was in LA and he was Anaheim, so who the hell was scratching him?! *reading synonyms for scratching* Oh. Word out of Bobby Grichville is Trout will be fine.
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks as he started his first game for the Angels. Arte Moreno is definitely sparing no expense, but Rita’s gonna be pissed when she finds out he spent all her West Side money. At this point, the Angels could take on the 1992 Dream Team and win. But they didn’t play baseball, and it’s 20 years later, so they might not be in the best shape. Speaking of the Olympics, I’ve figured out a way to make them better, or at least more relatable. You know how you’re sitting there watching eight swimmers do the 400 meter relay in a minute thirty? (Bear with me, I know no one is actually watching it or if a minute thirty is how fast 400 meters takes.) Well, while you watch it, it seems impressive, but you can’t fully appreciate it because everyone in the pool is more or less the same level swimmer, give or take a half second. Enter my idea: Have a normal person in the pool with them! In fact, put a normal person in every event. You didn’t think they were that fast in the 100 meter dash? Wait, until you drop a slightly out-of-shape guy in the mix. Now it’s clear how fast they are actually going. You’re welcome, Olympics, I fixed you.