I swear that box score turning blue to alert people there’s something historic going on is the mother of all jinxes. Not to mention, all the people talking about the perfect game. Member when that was a jinx? Since we’re currently living in the Age of Opinion (which is not the Scorsese movie, though if it gets the green-light, Gary Oldman could play the lead), everyone talks about the perfect game while it’s going on. Whether it’s Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, LinkedIn, Twitbook, PinkedIn. In my day, we never mentioned a perfect game on Friendster! And on my General Gist band page on Myspace? Nary a whisper! Well, Jake Arrieta still pitched outstanding yesterday — 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.05 — even if the bid for a perfect game came up short. Like Altuve short. Like Kershaw looks at Arrieta’s perfect game bid and giggles. Still, this is about where Arrieta’s been and where he can go. What I said the other day still remains true — his swings and misses are going up, his control is getting better and he’s using his cutter more — a pitch he can dominant with. I’d still look at him in every league. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Au Rizz!
Homer Bailey – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA up to 4.80. Could’ve been worse. After the game, he could’ve ran over your dog. Not only is this record broken, but it’s off-key and when played it makes Bailey’s owners cry from the pitch, but he’s been historically unlucky.
Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. The greatest thing the devil ever did was convince people to draft a catcher high.
B.J. Upton – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 7th homer as he hit leadoff. Someone should hire an escort for Fredi so he stops grasping at any B.J. straws he can get his hands on.
Justin Upton – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Those Uptons are like a regular ol’ Vince and Dom DiMaggio!
Chris Johnson – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Hitting everything in sight recently (9-game hitting streak; batting near-.350 in the last week), so, of course, Fredi’s got him batting 7th.
George Springer – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer. He’s been terrific, fantastic, adjective, but his K-rate is obscene. He’s striking out the 5th worst in the major leagues with such potential .210 hitters as Danny Espinosa, Chris Carter and Adam Dunn.
Carlos Pena – 0-for-4 as he was recalled by the Rangers and will play first. Comatose Rangers Fan, “Hey, I just woke from a three-month coma, but I’m sure excited to see my Rangers play! So, we’re so far out ahead in 1st place that we’re giving Prince Fielder a night off? Right? Guys?” Comatose Rangers Fan, you may want to sit down.
Adrian Beltre – 4-for-4, 1 RBI. Comatose Rangers Fan, “They should rest Beltre too. Right? Guys?”
Derek Holland – Threw 75 pitches in live batting practice. It went well; only two people cracked on him about his mustache.
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.19. I almost picked up The Emoticon for this start, but I Fowler’d out. My point is, in most leagues, the guys you can get on waivers are as good as these Matt Cains of the world you’re holding on to. How about Homer Bailey then?! Quiet, Random Italicized Voice, I’m making a point.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer and hitting near-.450 in the last week with five homers. First, it was Victor Martinez, now it’s J.D. The Tigers should see what Tino Martinez is up to. He’s probably paying to have A Martinez pretend to be him to his kids. Good call, Tino! Oh, and as for J.D., of course you should pick him up, he’s been scalding hot.
Rajai Davis – 3-for-5, 1 RBI and his 21st steal. This came as a surprise to me. On our Player Rater, guess where Rajai is ranked amongst outfielders. Nope, higher. Higher still. No, not number one! He’s top 30 overall.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs. He’s really cooled off dramatically since he came up on fire (hitting around .100 in the last week). Too bad, Eugenio Suarez really rolls off the tongue like a good Spanish R.
Domonic Brown – Ryne Sandberg said Domonic will have an extended break to clear his head. Too bad about Brown, but not surprising. Brown’s been sh*t, and it only works when it’s the other way around.
Grady Sizemore – Phillies signed him. Them and the Yankees are the only teams whose average age would go down with this signing. Granted, he has the knees of a 77-year-old man and he’s so old he took his first selfie on a Polaroid.
Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-2, 1 run and 2 steals (12, 13). Rollins recently said he’s never thought about waiving his no-trade clause. Probably for the best, he doesn’t want to back-up Jeter.
Andrew Heaney – 5 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. I’ve gone to this well before, but it bears repeating, or bares repeating if you’re a naturist. 4.26 ERA. What’s that, say you. That’s Kershaw’s ERA his rookie year in over 100 IP. Heaney could be fantastic as of next year, rookie pitchers are a roller coaster though.
Garrett Jones – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .257 on the year. If in the 4th round, I would’ve drafted Garrett Jones instead of Ryan Zimmerman it would’ve made me look crazy then, but crazy genius now.
Angel Pagan – Sat out his 8th straight game, and is headed to the DL. Ugh, we were so close to seeing the first player to ever get put on a 15-day DL after first missing 14 days. Please let this happen at some point.
Jose Tabata – Accepted an assignment to the minors. His wife got very excited when she heard he was going to be around minors, “Bring me back one, baby!” Or maybe she said it without a comma.
Jeff Locke – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Wanna know if you should stream vs. the Rays? Batting third for them is Brandon Guyer (2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs), who did fine yesterday, but it’s Brandon effin’ Guyer. Guyers and four girlers, c’mon.
Russell Martin – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Was batting .188 in the last week coming into this game, but .300 in scoring position on Alyssa.
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 2 ER. Since being made closer, he hasn’t been a whole lot better than Grilli, if we’re gonna be honest. But honesty’s for Pinocchio and Grilli’s for hamburgers.
Chris Archer – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Looked like the garbage that Matt Adams puts into his mouth in the first three innings, but he settled down nicely. Rays hitters are terrible this year and I’m beginning to think their pitchers may never win another game. Yay or nay? YAY OR NAY? I await your response.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Hasn’t been great to own this year, but still has more homers than Felicity Huffman.
Logan Forsythe – 3-for-4, 2 runs. I wish there was a guy named Charlie in front of Forsythe and Angel Pagan behind him. But enough about my wishes and dreams! Forsythe hasn’t been good this year, but he’s the type of guy that gets hot for a week or two and he’s hitting near .500 in the last five games.
Steve Pearce – 2-for-3, and his 7th homer. Third homer this week and hitting over .450 in that time. You won’t be able to find a hotter schmotato right now. Try if you must, but it’s not happening. Okay, maybe J.D. Martinez.
Ronald Belisario – 1 IP, 0 ER and only gave up one inherited run and got the save. Prior to the game, Ventura said Belisario will remain the team’s closer. You know it’s sad when you own a closer and hope there’s no save chance. I wonder how much money it would take to get Nolan Ryan to noogie Ventura. This is what I’d do all day if I were Bill Gates. Just sitting around thinking up Indecent Proposals. Maybe that’s why I don’t have $40 billion.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.69. This is the 2nd year in a row Quintana’s proven to be more than a streamer, and the 2nd year in a row I’m having a hard time thinking of him as more than that. He gets the Blue Jays next and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like it, and I agree.
Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th steal. Still concerned Ventura will bench him occasionally, but he’s been on fire for almost the whole month of June (hitting around .375 with a homer and 5 steals). He’s no Steve Pearce, but he actually has more long-term appeal.
Mark Buehrle – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Ah, the ol’ slow, inevitable decline. Well, you didn’t think he’d be remarkbuehrle all year, did you? You did? Ah, you’re sweet, but gullible. There’s a place for that in my lair. Go shake the sand out of my Ewings, I want to wear them while I watch MasterChef.
Dioner Navarro – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. And here I thought Navarro was too busy joining supergroups.
Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 runs and two throwing errors that had the opposing Yankees thinking about Chuck Knoblauch. I wonder where Knoblauch is now. *wavy lines* Dressed as a Benihana chef, Knoblauch tosses a shrimp tail in the air and it lands in a customer’s hair. *wavy lines* Oh.
Jesse Hahn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks and a 2.38 ERA. He’s pitching way over his head (as opposed to sidearm?), but while he’s going well, I see no reason to not give him a whirl. The Stream-o-Nator even likes his next start and it rarely likes rookies.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer. Seager hit that one….Against the wind.
Mike Zunino – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Or you could’ve had Mauer with your 1st pick.
Shane Victorino – Shooting to return Friday. Easy there, Ted Nugent, put away the rifle!
Clay Buchholz – Will return to the Sox rotation today. Lather up! Sorry, I mean batter up.
Brock Holt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting better than your other fifth outfielder in the last month. Yup, and that one too. And, well, not that one.
Jhonny Peralta – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Hasn’t hit for much power recently, but he is hitting over .300 in the last week. Get ’em while they’re hhot.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4, 2 runs on the field. Off the field, Walt Weiss makes Dickerson update the team’s website with Cuddyer and CarGo’s injury progress.
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 15th steal. Hitting over .340 in Coors; hitting .261 on the road. Beer goggler.
Scott Kazmir – 3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies have little use for conventional tools, they once had a crush on Antonio Sabato Jr. and they will rip your heart out.
Dillon Gee – Made his first rehab start and will probably return around the All-Star Break. Gee, isn’t that special?
Krispie Young – 2-for-3, 3 runs and two homers. This comes mere days after the Mets were supposedly looking at releasing Krispie and a week after KFC supposedly turned away a poor, defenseless girl. KFC was cleared of charges and Krispie clears the fences. Today, we celebrate fried foods. Okay, if Bill Pullman delivered that it would’ve been rousing.
Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Now has back-to-back games of eight innings and only one earned run. Has only missed one quality start dating back to May 12th, and that was a 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER game. In other words, Bartolo may be a Twinkie away from a court-ordered lap band, but he’s pitched really well for almost two months.
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Grandy’s dandy, but Bartolo’s satisfying. Oops, I mean Bartolo ate a Snickers.
Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer in his first game back. Maybe he figured out what happened to his bat that once had him as a well-regarded prospect. If you’re struggling in deep leagues, it’s worth a shot.
Kyle Gibson – 2 IP, 7 ER vs. the Los Angeles Angels Of A 40-Minute Ride From Los Angeles. During Gibson’s struggles, the Angels should’ve shown on the scoreboard Kirk Gibson’s dramatic home run, but in reverse.
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. He just knows how to work the current in Anaheim. It’s the touching of home plate that’s tricky.
Josh Willingham – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. The Other White Meat needs to get that shizz out of SoCal. We’re gluten-free vegetarians here!
Sam Fuld – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 7th steal and his 2nd steal in as many games as he plays every day. He could get you some steals in AL-Only leagues, but for Fuld, th-th-that’s all folks!
Joe Smith – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. The Sciosciapath said Smith would be the closer for now, but if you think that’s all she wrote for Frieri, you don’t know The Sciosciapath.
Justin Masterson – 4 IP, 5 ER. Great googly moogly! I told you he was going to crap the bed after his last quality start. Hmm, so does this mean he’ll pitch well in his next one? Well, I wouldn’t own him to find out.
Carlos Santana – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, average up to .214. Watch when he has 24 homers and a .250 average in September and you’re like, “Why again was I stressing my catcher slot for 3 months?”
Gerardo Parra – 5-for-7, 2 runs and his 5th steal. He’s been so bad recently, the Diamondbacks had been benching him, but this could be the start of something. Or the end of something, his bad streak. Or the middle of– You get the picture.
Ender Inciarte – 4-for-7, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. He had gone so long since a multiple hit game, Ender seemed Finisheder.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.23. Crazy person two months ago, “I think Gallardo can be better than Verlander.” Crazy person now, “Damn, I gotta figure out a different way to illuminate to people I’m crazy.”
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Since this game went late into the night, I’m sure there were people that woke this morning, saw that Zimmerman hit a home run and assumed that was his season-to-date stats and not his previous night’s.
Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks. I know I sound slightly like an insane man telling you to avoid a 2.69 ERA pitcher, but he’s really not this good.
Hanley Ramirez – Didn’t start yesterday due to some shoulder irritation. Weird, because Hanley usually plays through minor bumps and bruises. Hmm, did I leave out a key ‘does not?’
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Johnny Vander Meer’s niece, Greta, came out to witness this start?
Joc Pederson – Left his minor league game with a shoulder injury. This will put a hindrance in any talk of his 17 homers, 20 steals, .320 current line in Triple-A pushing its way into the Dodgers major league outfield. That’s too bad, I was starting to enjoy the excuses they were making, “With Kemp in the lineup, Rihanna could show up to a game,” “Donald Sterling thinks Joc Pederson’s black,” and my all-time favorite excuse for keeping Pederson in the minors, “He’s putting the fun in fundamentals. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Shaffer!”