Going back to one of my old favorites, that I didn’t like for awhile, then did like, then loved, then hated, then should’ve loved but hated, then was nonplussed about, then Googled nonplussed to make sure I used it right, then took a nap, then clapped my hands, shot up out of bed and kissed my ‘Donna Martin graduates’ screenshot, scrubbed my undercarriage with my Q-Bert loofah and sat down to write about why you should sell Anibal Sanchez. Anibal’s K-rate is in the dumper. Big enough sample size to be concerned — that’s not what she said! Huh? His velocity is off. More concern. That dirty Sanchez! He hasn’t been great, but he’s been much worse when you throw out favorable luck. His xFIP is at 3.91, and he looks similar to the pitcher he was in 2010 when he had a 7 K/9 and a 3.55 ERA. Only he was in Florida then and against NL teams. I could see Anibal’s ERA continuing to rise and I don’t see much relief for his lack of Ks (currently a 6.9 K/9). 6.9 K/9? Who are you, Chase Anderson? Who the hell is Chase Anderson? I wouldn’t sell Anibal for tickets to see PM Dawn, but I would explore options. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Mike Zunino – Ain’t such thing as halfway crooks, looked at the free agents catchers and shook. Yeah, yeah, I’m a shook one.
Chris Colabello – It feels like only yesterday Colabello was the apple of many waiver wires. I say how about dem apples?! A little Delicious, but prolly more Granny Smith. By the by, I wanna try one of those apples that tastes like grapes, don’t you? How did our forefathers live without grapples? They didn’t have any premonitions to build this country on the hope of one day discovering a grapple, did they? For forefathers no foresight, say that fast 117 times!
Chris Carter – Prolly will hit 7 homers this weekend, or strikeout 15 times. Actually it’s likely on the latter, as he gets rung up. Pun point!
Arismendy Alcantara – Will remain with the Cubs and I just went over him this morning. You didn’t read this morning? My feelings are hurt but not enough to not tell you to pick him up. The Greek God of Arismendy!
Jed Lowrie – I’m most interested in Lowrie, as a guy that isn’t nearly as exciting as Wong, but could be more valuable. Will he be more valuable? Hard to say. The A’s do seem to go on stretches where a new guy steps up every two weeks and it could be Lowrie’s turn.
Kolten Wong – I love me some Wong. Stop giggling; it’s childish. Ever have so much love for one guy that you can’t even breathe anymore? Unlikely or you wouldn’t be reading this. Unless we have afterlife readers. Hey, afterlife readers!
Chase Headley – I don’t like Headley. Seriously, stop giggling! Can’t get excited about a Padres hitter unless he gives speed. Headley has been hitting over .400 in the last week (though that is being lifted by games in Coors).
Conor Gillaspie – He has three homers in the last three days. Guess what he is? Rhymes with hawt beautato.
Mike Moustakas – He’s actually been good for the last month and a half. Okay, good for him. Talking six homers and around a .250 average.
Dillon Gee – Not a streamer. I repeat, not a streamer. Gee is someone you just own and supplement his low Ks with a middle reliever. If your league doesn’t play middle relievers, then it’s a weekly deep league and Gee is already owned, so that means Gee is ownable in every league because the other leagues should be playing middle relievers.
Ken Giles – Been some buzz building about Giles taking over for Papelbon when he is almost definitely traded. Giles does hit 103 on the speed gun, which isn’t just good at winning a plush toy at the local carnival, it can be used to turn into a Donkeycorn. It does seem like Sandberg is leaning towards skipping Bastardo, who is still dealing with being fatherless.
Zach Putnam – What’s in a Putnam? Not a whole lot, unfortch, but maybe some SAGNOF goodness.
Brad Ziegler – I do believe Gibson when he says he wants Addison Reed to be the closer. But put ‘want’ in one hand and ‘Reed just not looking good’ in the other hand and you have two empty hands. How are you even putting ‘want’ in one hand? Do you have magical hands?
Andy Dirks – I just went over my thoughts on Dirks, whose return is imminent, “Between Rajai, Torii and J.D., there should be enough playing time to go around for Dirks in deeper daily leagues where you can platoon him. Keep in mind, Dirks isn’t just an onomatopoeia of Dr. Evil’s dancing, he could provide power and light speed without killing you in average.” And that’s me quoting me!
Nolan Reimold – You knew he’d be in this Buy column. You knew it, not because you’re psychic or someone people should burn at a stake, but because it’s Reimold and I can’t stop liking him no matter how little he does.
Chris Coghlan – He looked like he was straight fire from Sunday until Tuesday, then I picked him up. Where you think he’s at now? Well, he’s not straight garlic butter that you slice onto your Wagyu, but he could have some hot schmotato left in him.
Lorenzo Cain – I don’t understand how he’s owned in less than 50% of leagues. No, fo’serious, now that Matthew Berry is retiring from fantasy to open a gastropub in Red Hook (guessing what he plans on doing, and this seemed like the douchiest thing), he doesn’t need to own 27,000 teams to stock his virtual trophy case. Where are all of these leagues that Cain is available in?
Justin Ruggiano – How is he not nicknamed Cheese Wagstaff? Is this just an oversight on the fantasy community? Does the fantasy community consist of 14 million men and four women in their respective mom’s basements, licking Cheetos orange off their fingers? I got questions, y’all!
Alex Rios – I almost said to sell Beltre, and I kinda did by even mentioning him, but the Rangers are a mess. Whatever we were expecting of them this season, that went out the window. Not the window you painted onto the basement wall, but an actual window. A little personal backstory about Rios, I’ve owned him in his two lousy years of the past five years and never had him for his good years. So, yes, I am bitter like your aunt. But doode is straight garbage that sat under your dorm couch for three years. He’s hitting .303, due to a .363 BABIP, and he still only has 14 steals. That’s terrific…for a part-time outfielder! If you’re only stealing one base every six games or so, you need to be hitting for power. He has 4 homers. Okay, I hate him. Carl Crawford has 4 homers and he’s been out the majority of the year and hasn’t been good when healthy. I wouldn’t sell Rios for a scotch bonnet lozenge, but I would explore offers.