Thankfully, I no longer do 4th of July like I used to, because when you have a holiday weekend that lasts five days, you will get alcohol poisoning if you go too hard, and the 4th is especially dangerous because: day drinking. At least with New Year’s Eve, it’s at night. The Fourth is lying on a discarded sofa on the side of a highway at 3 PM and being like, “The hum of 75 MPH cars is so peaceful, I go to sleep now,” and waking up with a flashlight you mistake for a fleshlight and now you’re a registered sex offender. Hopefully, none of that happened to any of you, well, maybe the fleshlight part, and you all had a safe holiday. Any hoo! Yesterday, Andrew McCutchen went 3-for-4 and his 15th and 16th homers as he hits .288. He found the Fountain of Youth sometime in May and has been a Zombino eating brain custard ever since. I’m still half expecting — cting? — McCutchen will resort to blah in the 2nd half, but it looks like I wrote off McCutchen before his sell-by date. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.73. As Taillon was pitching well, Rudy texted me, “Shame Tony Watson is going to come in and blow this win.” Ah, but Hurdle had one Nicasio up his sleeve to get out of a jam of Watson’s own making in the seventh inning. Thank God for Juan Nicasio, the number one keyboard salesman!
CC Sabathia – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER as he was activated from the DL. You can go ahead and BCC me on that.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4 and his 28th homer. Judge will be starring in the upcoming August ESPN special, “Why Judge shouldn’t have participated in the Home Run Derby?” Co-starring Giancarlo, as the sexpot, and Gary Sanchez as the ingénue with a dark past.
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Damn, I dropped him last week when I saw his upcoming matchups were in Yankee Stadium and vs. Houston. I’d still own Happ if it weren’t for the matchups, because his peripherals are sparkling.
Zach Britton – Will return from the DL on Wednesday. Wait, that’s today! Yikes, you snuck up on me! Plus, snuck is totally a word. Eat a D, autocorrect! Britton will be worked slowly back into the closer role, so hold Brach for now.
Mark Trumbo – Day-to-day with a bruised calf. Better not let PETA hear about that shizz!
Jimmy Nelson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.20. I wrote a lede a few weeks ago about why you should pick up Jimmy Nelson; our writer, Lance, wrote a post dedicated to his Jimmy Nelson fantasy. If you leave your fantasy team password in the comments, I’ll go and pick Nelson up for your team.
Eric Thames – 2-for-3 and his 22nd and 23rd homers, hitting .248. Hmm, with these two homers coming off the Orioles, it’s gonna be harder to keep this “Thames only hits homers off pitchers with red jerseys” narrative, but I will try! The red that Thames most associates with pleasure in his life is the red on his fingers from Flaming Hot Cheetos, and one time Momma Thames brought home regular Cheetos by accident, and now Thames associates orange with red too.
Stephen Vogt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer on the Brewers, and 7th homer on the year. It’s that time again! Time for me to complain about box scores after a guy switches leagues. I’m not a fan of interleague play, but I’ve come to ignore it. It’s here, whatever. Though, with interleague play, there is absolutely no reason why someone’s stats should go back to zero when they switch leagues. It’s from a bygone era, fix this!
Danny Duffy – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.51, as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I don’t work on non-holidays, you really think I’m here on July 4th?” Well, since we all don’t have it as easy as Kevin, I’m here and I had reservations with Duffy even prior to his injury, and I’m not talking about using my Open Table app.
Whit Merrifield – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, and the 2nd time I’ve mentioned him this week, so the schmotato rising. Mr. Schmotato rising! Keep on rising!
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, and his 3rd homer in the last four games. Moistasskiss!
Yulieski Gurriel – 3-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs, hitting .297. Yesterday, I said schmotato; today, I’m saying get some of that goodness!
Carlos Correa – Exited the game yesterday with a bruised thumb, but x-rays came back negative. Finally, some good news in relation to a Correa.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. Altuve was playing mad last night because there was this group of guys standing in front of him when the fireworks went off and he couldn’t see anything.
George Springer – 4-for-5, 3 runs and his 25th homer, hitting .295. Springer’s one of the harder guys to peg for the top 100 in the 2nd half that I’m working on for next week. Zilch-oh on steals definitely lowers my excitement.
Sean Newcomb – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER. I’m going to leave my RC Cola right here on the counter of this ISIS-run bar and go to the bathroom. Can someone watch it for me? Thanks! *four hours later* Why is that guy putting a human kidney on a shish? Wait, that’s my kidney! AHHHHH!!! ROOFIE!!!
Yu Darvish – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.56. That’s it, lower 2nd half expectations!
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Yes, I’ve told you he’s homered for the last three days, and he even had one homer game before that.
Andrew Benintendi – 5-for-5, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers. Actual conversation yesterday between Prospector Ralph and a loved one, “Ralph, aren’t these fireworks amazing?” *Ralph stares at Benintendi’s box score* “They’re the best I’ve ever seen.”
Tzu-Wei Lin – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal, as the Red Sox called up this rookie, utlity man. That’s right, the Red Sox found a Taiwanese Brock Holt! They also have someone who sounds like a segment on The Biggest Loser. “Coming after the break, it’s the Sue weigh in everyone has been anticipating…”
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .284. I also mentioned this on the podcast yesterday, Bradley is having a nearly identical year compared to last year, which caused you to draft him this year.
David Price – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Besides a hideous outing vs. the Yankees, Price’s starts haven’t been as bad as advertised. Yet (oh, here we go), his peripherals are also not necessarily spectacular — 8.6 K/9, 3.1 BB/9, 4.53 xFIP. That’s the verge of a fantasy #3 for 12 team leagues. *beep, beep, beep* Breaking news! He might have a blister. Yeah, who doesn’t?!
Scott Schebler – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer. Also, in this game, Scooter Gennett hit his 14th and Jose Peraza hit his 4th. All of these guys appeared in comments in the last few days about owning them. Seriously, if you ask me if you should drop a hitter that is in Coors for a series, I’m pretty sure you’ve never read anything I’ve written, so why ask? Mustache has mesmerized you? You’re mustacherized?
Yasmany Tomas – Diagnosed with a groin strain, which I could’ve sworn he already had. Can we get a groin check on Salami Tom?
A.J. Pollock – 1-for-4 as he returned from the DL. Legit, everyone returned from the DL yesterday. Should’ve had Puffy lip-synch “Coming Home.”
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.19. Seems like this guy might be good. He new? I need a scouting report. He new?
Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 3rd homer in the last four games, hitting .384. With Turner’s red beard and blue and white uniform, whenever Rick Monday sees Turner on the field, he runs over and tries to save him from himself.
Brandon Kintzler – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 22nd save, ERA at 2.41. I don’t mention closers who are doing well, but I just wanted to drop some thank you thunder — thankder? — on Kintzler. A thousand thankders for you.
Byron Buxton – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (15), hitting .204. This schmohawk reminded me that I drafted his sorry ass in my RCL and dropped him around mid to late-April. Sucks I dropped Broxton too. Do I have something against -xtons? P to the erhaps. But if it meant getting Buxton off my team, then it was worth the double drop. I went to MattTruss’s active stats to see what he got from Buxton since he picked him up right after me. Ready to shudder? 19/2/9/.198/9 in 167 ABs, and dropped him the morning before yesterday’s game. That’s why I AM JEFE!
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. Next to nothing recently, but he is the type to get hot for S-P-E-L-L-S.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .235. He’s been so bad this year it’s proving you cannot spell Pujols without PU.
Miguel Cabrera – Left yesterday’s game with hip tightness. Sigh. So few players are at the peak of their game when they retire. Koufax, Papi, Bonds, which sounds like the beginning of a guys in a boat joke. All right, so you got a Dominican, a Jew and a guy with a giant head…
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .252. He’s not having a great year, though has it been better than Miggy’s? It has not, but you had to think about it for a second.
Michael Fulmer – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.20. I’ve gone over him so many times before, if you click his name you’ll be magically transported to past articles about him, his projections and yadda, blabba, poo.
Hunter Pence – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .260. Approximately, two hundred and forty years after the birth of this great nation and hundred plus years after that racist movie, Birth of a Nation, the Gangly Manbird opened his 12-foot wingspan and bid adieu to a ball. Then people were pissed off because he bid adieu, a partial French phrase, and didn’t just say goodbye. What, you’re too good for goodbye?
Brandon Crawford – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. I see he had six previous homers, but this feels like the first time he did something positive all year.
Jose Urena – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.43. I’m about to go into the break with four 1st place teams out of six leagues, and I have Urena in three of them, and had him in a 4th until I dropped him to stream someone else. YO SOY JEFE!
Christian Yelich – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .276 and his 8th homer. I’m sorry, but, without a huge 2nd half, I’m counting this as another schmohawk I called correctly. GLUTEN-FREE SOY SAUCE HANDED TO YOU BY JEFE!
Tommy Pham – 0-for-4, 4 Ks. We are celebrating breaking away from British monarchy, and Pham is pining for a Mexican monarchy with a Golden Sombrero.
Jon Lester – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.94. Happy July 4th, Cubs fans! Your team is under .500 and it looks like Wayne Huzienga could’ve sold off your team last year and you’d have similar results so far. People can go off and watch their basketball and football, but baseball’s got real parity because playing an extra 25 games in October kills all your arms the next year. Convinced of this.
Tim Beckham – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .277. I have an overcrowded rotating elevator at MI like I’m Macy’s at Xmas, and I should likely just start Beckham and leave him there.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Only another week of your pre-ASB shenanigans, Bruce!
Joe Ross – 7 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.86. By miracles of all miracles, this start ended up looking good at the end of it, but, boy oh five girls, did this start not look good through about four innings. Blech, I dropped Ross before the start was even over. Good riddance (I didn’t have the time of my life).
Daniel Murphy – 4-for-5, 1 run, 5 RBIs, hitting .341. Murphy had some choice words for Razzball and me specifically:
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 3, 2017
Michael Taylor – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th steal. Yes, Taylor H.A.M., and I love him, but I’ve also been pushing people towards grabbing him for another specific reason. Since Turner went down, Taylor’s moved up a very potent lineup.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .293. B;iobda90`1kl– Sorry, I had my fingers crossed that Abreu wouldn’t have a 2nd half collapse.
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .291. Now has two homers in the last three games, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Melk doesn’t really go with any entree, but looks like we have a side piece hot schmotato here.
Franklin Barreto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .211. Sometimes you get Bellinger, sometimes you get Failinger.
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (18, 19). Fun thought experiment! Try to think back to March. You there? Okay, now as your March self, think about having Yonder Alonso with 19 homers on your fantasy team. Okay, what else do you think has happened in a world where Alonso has 19 homers? An outfield wall apocalypse causing all outfield walls to crumble and now anything hit out of the infield is a homer? All MLB teams donated their outfield walls to Trump’s wall? The A’s played one 127,000 inning game which saw Alonso get 970 ABs and hit 19 homers in that game?