Did you see the game Brett Anderson threw the other day? Neither did I. Was watching MasterChef. C’mon, is she really blind? I could see a service dog, pulling to the side of the road and being like, “Listen, sweetheart, how about we stop the charade and let me go hump some other dogs?” There’s no way she’s blind! I’m dying for someone to toss her a baseball and watch her catch it. Speaking of baseball (yes, I’m segueing into baseball on a fantasy baseball site — that’s how I do!), the takeaway from Brett’s box score is they’ve fixed Raggedy Anderson. He was also going against the World Class Minnesota Twins. I’m using World Class there like food companies will use World Class because they can’t saying anything accurate like healthy, delicious or Pitmasters-Winning. That’s a World Class hot dog! What makes it World Class? We said so. I’d grab Anderson in deeper mixed leagues for his next start vs. the Indians and be careful in shallower leagues. His rehab wasn’t terrific. There’s a chance for a few six-inning, four earned run games. He also probably won’t be going super deep into games. If you’re wondering if this lede on this week’s Buy/Sell is a Buy or a Sell, let’s call it a /. Straddling that slash like a rock groupie. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Tyler Skaggs – I went over my Tyler Skaggs fantasy the other day. I wrote it with All-American Handyman on in the background, wondering if it’s really necessary for them to keep saying, “All American Handymen or Handywomen.”
Jhoulys Chacin – Returned from the DL with a solid start on Tuesday, but I’d be concerned about starting him indiscriminately. Jhoulys on your fantasy life has to be tightening and you need to be Chacin upside. (Pun point, if I’m pronouncing his name correctly.) BTW, VinWins in his seriously-incredible-work-behind-the-scenes-with-the-RCLs has figured out the ownership numbers for all of our leagues. Chacin is owned in only 5 leagues. (FWIWuertz, Brett Anderson is owned in 56.3% of RCL leagues, which actually makes perfect sense. Straddling that slash.)
Hisashi Iwakuma – Probably if his name was Yu Darvish, he would be owned in every league and his owners would be happy to have him. Then Yu Darvish in Texas would probably be getting Yu Darvish from Seattle’s mail, but that’s the USPS’s business. Iwakuma’s line reads: 3.64/1.33 and 69 Ks in 84 IP. Not too shabby like Harrison Ford’s Jewish quarter.
Matt Harvey – He’s been terrific in all, but one game out of six. I told you to pick him up before his first start of the year. Y’all have the reaction time of De Niro from Awakenings.
Patrick Corbin – Gets the Padres tonight. I forget if that’s good or bad. I know it used to be good, but they’ve been hitting well lately. I’d take a shot on him. Probably looking at a 6 IP, 3 ER game.
Dale Thayer – A big part of me thinks Thayer will be getting saves for the rest of the season. A bigger part of me thinks he’s not going to be very good. The Lily Tomlin part of me owns Thayer on a few teams. The Steve Martin part of me owns Street and isn’t messing with Thayer or Layne. Who? Yeah, not sure.
John Axford – I recently put in a waiver claim for Axford. I think I had the 10th waiver claim out of 12 teams. I got Axford with the claim. I wasn’t totally surprised I was able to get him.
Luis Cruz – You’re not going to get a whole lot of power or speed or average… *checking notes to see what you are going to get* Wow, he had 4,573 at-bats in the minor leagues! Should call him Luis “Crash” Cruz. There’s something to be said for determination to make it to the majors. It’s a positive trait that you can admire in a suitor for your daughter, it’s not the most exciting thing for fantasy baseball, and neither is Cruz. He’s currently hitting, so do what you have to.
Johnny Giavotella – Got the 2nd base job when Getz fractured his finger. Fist pump! Hasn’t done anything with the full-time job and got Snooki pregnant. Sad emoticon.
Donovan Solano - If you have a ditch at second base, I wouldn’t expect Donovan to dig you out of it with his little kid shovel and pail. Take a 1-for-3 with a run and you might be happy with Solano.
Billy Hamilton – I just went over my Billy Hamilton fantasy. I wrote it while playing him in tag. I lost.
Kevin Frandsen - Doesn’t his last name sound like a brand of ice cream? Frandsen’s skimps on the chocolate chips, let’s get Breyer’s. BTW, don’t you hate treat diggers? That’s the people who dig through the ice cream, pulling out the good stuff, making Cookies ‘n Creme into vanilla. They’re invariably the same people who leave about a half of glass of water in the Brita jug just so they don’t have to fill it up. Any the hoo! I’d grab a pint of Frandsen’s, but don’t go with the quart, you’ll be sick of it by Sunday.
Mitch Moreland – Mitch’s ain’t shizz usually, but the Rangers schedule is pretty sweet over the next few. Home until next Wednesday then away to Indians, Royals and Rays (one bad series) then back home for Indians and Mariners.
DeWayne Wise – A DeWayne Wise man once told me there’s no excuse to let a hot hitter waste away on waivers, but he told it to me in full-Fudd verse. ”I’m Wewayne and I’m witting near wore-wifty for the week, while you’re in San Quentin wishin’ you had your little, witty, bitty witten — purr, purr, purr — sittin’ on your lap, you need a wap? Put on some of those novelty glasses with the drawn-on eyes and take a nap. I’m out for a Wesley Snipes wear-a-thong — drool — they’re up to Wong, fool.”
David DeJesus – Probably not going to be your fantasy savior, but could turn a H2H whine into a Win.
Tyler Colvin – He slumped a bit in July (hitting .200), but he’s come on again in August (.350+) and has hit surprisingly consistent home and away. On a related note, Colvin’s going to be an interesting name to look at next year. He’ll be 27 years old (the age when most hitters come into their own), has 30 homer power and, as mentioned, he hasn’t been a Coors-only hitter. Am I already thinking about sleepers for next year? Yeah, yeah, I am. I’m an addict!
Will Venable – Not an everyday player for real or for fantasy. If you can platoon him into the lineup, you have a 12/20 vs. only righties, but you need to carry a complementary hitter. Like David Murphy, he always has nice things to say.
Cameron Maybin – Crazy how quickly a full season line can change. We’re more than three-quarters of the way through this whole shebang, Ricky Martin, and if Maybin goes out in Septacular fashion, next March people will forget he wasn’t even owned for a majority of the year in most mixed leagues.
David Murphy – David Murphy’s Law tells us that a fantasy fifth outfielder with an everyday job in a good lineup will get counting stats. We should have a whole list of different laws in tandem with the Glossary. Maybe this offseason I’ll put that together. Off the top of my head, I can think of a few: Dusty Baker’s Law tell us no pitcher should be on a pitch count. Joe Maddon’s Law tells us any reliever can be a closer. Chipper Jones’s Law tells us when you’ve finally figured out a hitter for your corner slot, he will get injured. Feel free to suggest more in the comments.
Michael Fiers – You couldn’t get Michael Fiers if you were f**king Michael Fiers, and you don’t want him after tonight, so it works out okay for you. (And in some leagues, I wouldn’t even start him tonight.)
Dan Haren - So you shouldn’t have drafted him. You gonna make up for that in September? Why you trying to make up for stuff? Just move on to the one of a dozen streamers available to you on the Stream-o-Nator. Stream-o-Nator, “I’m starting to feel a wee bit underappreciated. I mean, you went to Hawaii and all you brought me back was macadamia nuts from the airport. Surprised you didn’t just get me a bag of corn nuts from the plane.”
Ben Sheets – Tonight’s matchup isn’t terrible, but he looks like he’s tiring. Or pithier: Sheets, hit the sheets!
Doug Fister – Dealing with a groin issue. I mean, with a name like Fister is that a surprise?
Rickie Weeks – Well, you had a good two weeks. Figures!
Josh Reddick – ‘Member when we said about the A’s lineup that you usually have to spend two weeks in Thailand to see a Reddick with that many sores around it? The laughs we had! It was like we were long lost cousins who had one thing in common. This crazy fantasy baseball thing, and it took us almost 6 months of pretending to like each other to find out our commonality. Well, those Reddick days are in the rearview and closer than they appear. He’s batting in the .100′s in August and, well, you could do better with Tyler Colvin or some other Buy schmohawk. Okay, cuz, say hello to your… How are you related to me again?