Amir Garrett, or as he’s commonly referred to as, Muslim Mrs. Garrett, took Natalie, Jo, Blair, Tootie and that little white kid, who no one remembers, to school last night. Muslim Mrs. Garrett was like, “Listen, child, I’m your boss while you’re in this park and I’m going to rule over you with sweet motherly affection, but an iron fist like you get from a male Gulag prisoner.” Yesterday, he straight dazzled — 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.83. MMG is so out of nowhere I feel like we need to start at the beginning. He was born– Okay, flash forward Lost-style and they’re off the island and Garrett is a former basketball player, so his age isn’t as old as it seems for his development level. I think because of that he could also sneak up on people. His control gets wonky at times, and he doesn’t read as a strikeout pitcher, but there he was doing just that last night. He could surprise some people, but A) Reds and their ballpark. B) Rookie. C) There’s no C. To take this back to 80’s sitcoms, there could be some Boners along the way through Growing Pains, but I’d grab him if you feel like Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, or can just handle the risk. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Trey Mancini – 1-for-4 as he hit leadoff. *writing this before the game* I dropped him the other day in two leagues, and I feel like this will be a huge regret. Stupid position eligibility. *writing this after* Meh, but why the hell would he be hitting leadoff? He’s a power hitter!
Zach Britton – Will go for one of those oh-so-lovely precautionary MRIs on Friday. Without reading too much into it (while doing exactly that), they’re waiting for Friday so that means it can’t be too bad. I mean, if it was bad, they’d schedule his MRI for today. Who are we kidding? This can’t be good. Yesterday, Brad Brach got the clean save, but I’d own Darren O’Day too, until more news comes out.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 5.51. The story of Ubaldo: You have a full head of hair one day, then you’re pulling your hair out because you own this schmohawk and you’ve been Ubaldo’d.
Kyle Hendricks – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 6.19, and every metric is pointing to trouble. Not to turn his drafters into mad men, but hard to look at Hendricks and not see a big bust.
Albert Almora – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .391. I wanna get super jazzed for Almora like Ryan Gosling, but the Cubs’ outfield is overflowing.
Addison Russell – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (2), hitting .254. Looks like the day off on Tuesday did Addison well, which is what I hope never goes through Maddon’s head because then he’ll randomly bench him more often.
Ryan Braun – Got the day off yesterday, because he’s only earning $19 million this year. He deserves a good Shabbos every third day!
Neftali Feliz – 1 IP, 4 ER. Holy shizzshow, Batman. What the Butterball Turkey was he doing coming into the 8th anyway? Let your closer pitch the ninth! This so hard to understand? Jimmy Crystmas, as the Morons say. (It’s a fringe Mormon group that isn’t that smart.)
Travis Shaw – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and third homer in the past four games. I wonder if Thames sneezes on me if I too can hit homers. It’s worth a shot since I have a charity softball game coming up, Save the Childproof Seals. As for Shaw, yes, of course you should pick him up, he’s smoldering.
Jett Bandy – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. That would be leading some of my teams in power. *lifts desk, drops desk on foot, desk falls apart* Stupid Ikea!
Mat Latos – Will start this weekend in place of J.A. Happ vs. the Angels. I wouldn’t go near him with a ten-foot pole. Speaking of poles, whatever happened to wife, Dallas?
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-4 and two steals (1, 2). For the last two days I’ve said he’s a hot schmotato. Today I’m saying, c’mon!
Francisco Liriano – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.11. I feel like you’re new to fantasy baseball or a glutton for punishment if you want Liriano. Gluttons, I can’t help. New people, don’t go near Liriano, he’s always a start or two away from a 1/3 IP, 5 ER game.
Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.32. A nice bounce back start for Porcello after a rocky last start. Prospector Ralph texted me, “Don’t mention this in the roundup, but at one point in the game Porcello looked directly into the camera and said, ‘Ralph, thank you for your encouragement.'” Oh-kay.
Mitch Haniger – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .323. It burns me up real good that I don’t own him anywhere. And not a good ‘burn up’ like I’m Icarus.
Felix Hernandez – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.65. F-Her is Jesse Chavez with brand name recognition.
Edinson Volquez – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.82. I was sonavabenched by Wei-Yin vs. the Mariners on Tuesday, so I was like, “You’re not gonna outsmart me twice in a row, I’m starting Edinson!” DAH!
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-3 and his 4th homer. I’m not saying this is the reason he hit this homer, but I did put on the Marlins game on my iPad, then put it down my track pants for his at-bat. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
Christian Yelich – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Wow, look at Yelich trying to prove me wrong for saying he can’t hit for power again. Hopefully Marlins play more night games and his mom tightens his curfew.
Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. Can it be July already so he crawls back into his dungeon of suck?
Robert Gsellman – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.09. He’s now sandwiched a bad start between two good starts and he put cole slaw and potato chips on the sandwich–Okay, I’m just hungry now. Stream-o-Nator loves his next start, and I don’t see why you wouldn’t stay on board.
Lucas Duda – Left the game with a hyperextended elbow. Said in a very soft, sultry voice, “Please let this mean Conforto gets playing time.” Pats forehead with handkerchief, “Thank you, kind sir.” I don’t know why I’m suddenly a southern belle.
Travis d’Arnaud – Hurt his–Oh, who cares? Mesoraco and d’Arnaud should wrap themselves in bubble wrap. Especially Mesoraco’s face.
Shawn Kelley – Dusty announced that Kelley and Glover will share closing duties. A Glover from Kelley sounds hot, but a closer by committee sounds awful. Why can’t Dusty take the toothpick out of his mouth for two seconds and ponder this shituation? Kelley is likely the favorite, but Glover’s been better this year, and I’d own both.
Jayson Werth – Suffered a groin spasm. I believe that’s like when you open one of those trick cans of peanuts and can’t get the spring back in.
Joe Ross – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. I streamed him in one league, not even because of the Stream-o-Nator, just because JB’s in that league so I had to grab Ross. He was fine, but I’ve since dropped Ross. We’re on a break!
Bryce Harper – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homers, hitting .404. It’s a bit early for this, but is he going to be drafted first or second overall in 2018 and disappoint? Is he a Saberhagenmetrics darling?
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, a grand slam, hitting .380. What did we decide on again for his first DL stint? After his 8th homer? Four more to go!
Julio Teheran – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.52. The Regression Fairies love Dancing With The Stars, they have rainbow flag socks and they will defecate all over your ratios.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .440. I wonder if Votto ever watches Freeman highlights and says, “What an odd mirror, it looks like me from four years ago.”
Gary Sanchez – Played catch at 60 feet. Joe Girardi stood nearby with a boombox playing In Your Eyes.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .277. I wonder if there’s room in my track pants for Giancarlo and Judge.
Starlin Castro – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .368. I like the people who comment with something like, “Your handsomeness knows no bounds, and there’s nothing but garbage on waivers, you think I should grab Sterling Catsup (sic)?” Castro isn’t garbage.
Jose Abreu – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. It’s an early Christmas miracle!
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .322. Also, in this game, his brother from another schmotato, Steven Souza went 2-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .328. I don’t know why you don’t own them, fear of success? Technically, you’re succeeding at failing, so you’re being successful anyway.
Jose Iglesias – Being checked for a concussion after tripping into a baserunner’s knee on what should’ve been a game-ending double play. After the game, a reporter asked if it was a tough defeat. Iglesias replied, “Defeat wasn’t the problem, it was the knee.”
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.94. I’d love to pull every comment from the preseason talking about how great Zimmermann was in the spring, but I might run into Buxton, Broxton or Delino excitement and I can’t handle that right now.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .220. He’s been hitting in the two-hole, and not because his name is almost Castellanus. It’s not the reason, seriously. I don’t know the actual reason, maybe lack of options, but that could be a boon for him.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.96. Because he was so successful in 2015, it’s hard to not think he’s right back there. Well, looking at his stats, I don’t think he’s all the way back to 2015 form, but he is ahead of where he was in 2016. So, 3.30-3.60 ERA range vs. 2.50 or 4.50. That’s startable everywhere until further notice.
Josh Reddick – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .341. I was about to pick him up and now I have to. Hot schmotato alert! *goes to my waivers, shakes fist* Damn you, Ralph!
Logan Forsythe – Hit the DL with a broken toe. I just legit Googled, “Has a camel ever broken its toe?” Google was a lot less helpful than I expected. Against righties, Chase Utley will fill-in for Forsythe; he’s okay in NL-Only leagues, and 2007 Classic leagues. Against lefties, Chris Taylor will fill-in; he’s okay in…Hmm…Well, I’m sure his family loves him!
Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.28 vs. Jhoulys Chacin – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.09. At this game in Petco, it was bring your own “What else do you want to talk about?” conversation.
Michael Wacha – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.41. Second verse, same as the first verse that I dropped on him. When he’s been healthy, he’s been effective in his career. The problem has been staying healthy, what are you his doctor? Stop worrying about his health and just own him until you obviously shouldn’t anymore.
Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer, hitting .183. Best part of his waking up is Fowler’s crystallized on the top of the lineup.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.70. This is obviously an exaggeration, but has Cole ever pitched like an ace?
John Jaso – 2-for-3, hitting .100. “Marte’s suspended! Ooh, Austin Meadows! Or at least Adam Frazier!” Then you see John Jaso is the starting right fielder.
Andrew McCutchen donated his dreads to a charity, and charity begins at home… pic.twitter.com/JkS5njRHKb
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 14, 2017
Josh Bell – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .205. I’m a cyclops with a monocle on Bell, but he has John Ja-Snow, the Informer, type power, so kinda meh.
Martin Perez – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.60. Fun fact! A cocktail with no bite and comes with the bartender saying “I love you” rather than an olive is called a Martini Perez. Oh, and the bartender’s your mother.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .188. The entire Rangers team is struggling right now. Yes, even Odor (0-for-3, hitting .203). And Napoli (1-for-3, hitting .158), Gomez (0-for-3, hitting .155), Choo (0-for-3, hitting 222), Profar (0-for-3, hitting .154). It’ll turn around, or my name isn’t Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate).
Jesse Hahn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.00. As previously mentioned on the aforementioned tip, he was going against the Rangers and they made him look like Whitey Ford. The pitcher, not the 1939 car that Henry Ford was selling to Nazis.
Khris Davis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .321. I wish I drafted Khris Davis and Eric Thames everywhere in March… *wavy lines* Hey, I just drafted Davis and Thames, this is awesome. What do you mean, it’s March in 1762 and I have German measles?! AHHHHHH!!!! *wavy lines* Whoa, weird dream.
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. “What if he revealed his middle name was Maria Conchita?” That’s me at a meeting with Yonder’s agent discussing how to make him more popular.
Angel Pagan – Will not play baseball this year after receiving a ‘number of major league offers.’ Ha, Pagan’s trying to neg major league baseball. “Instead of playing baseball this year, I’m gonna wash my hair.”
