News comes that Dustin Pedroia might need surgery on his knee that could sideline him for at least a month. Knee surgery sounds like something that sidelines people for multiple months, even Sparky Anklebiters. Though sometimes Sparky Anklebiters can get so amped with leave-it-all-on-the-fieldness that they lose sight of the big picture and rush back too soon. You know, they try to chew through the cone around their head and don’t heal properly. We know you’re scrappy, Dustin, stop biting on your paw! If he rushes and comes back in July, then he could miss a few more weeks with a setback. Basically, what I’m saying is, you want him to just get sidelined for two months and come back healthy in August. It’s not like what he was giving you now can’t be replaced. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anthony Rizzo – The San Diego Padres have something to be excited about. No, Tony Gwynn didn’t announce he’s becoming a competitive eater. No, they didn’t put a giant afro on the Western Metal Supply Co. building and rename it Kyle Blanks Auditorium. They called up Anthony Rizzo! Today. Supposedly. When I say, “Exciting,” you say, “Padres!” Exciting… Padres! Exciting…Padres! Unexciting…Padres! Fooled you. Rizzo’s in the same ginormous boat as every other hitter that plays at Petco. It’ll hurt his power, but he should still be able to hit some bombs. For the rest of the year, I’ll conservatively give him 17 homers and a .250 average. He’s capable of a bit more power and a lot less average. But, as with most rookies, you take the flyer on upside and hope he pans out. That’s me, Grey “Fantasy Master Lothario” Albright, telling you to go pick him up in every league. Yeah, even that one. And that one too.
Dustin Moseley – Left yesterday’s game with a non-throwing shoulder injury. Remember, Padre fans — Rizzo!
Brett Lawrie – Has a fractured hand, no relation to Brad. Now he won’t be up until around August. I’d go ahead and drop him in redraft leagues, unless you’re not paying attention to your team but still reading this, which seems odd but I appreciate your enthusiasm.
Adam Lind – 4 home runs in 5 games. Yeah, he can get to 35 home runs this year. You Gotta Believe isn’t just a title of a Marky Mark album.
Danny Espinosa – A Cain pitch hit Espinosa on the hand causing visible pain. You know what’s worse than a .218 hitter? A .218 hitter nursing a hand injury.
Matt Cain – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. As Cain did everything you could ask for, Barry Zito Foursquared from a bathtub (<–PNSFWUYWAAPPC — Potentially Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production Company)
Brandon Crawford – 2-for-3 with a caught stealing, which is whatever but it’s always good to see guys at least trying to give some fantasy value. In other Brandon Crawford news, Bochy says he’ll continue to start when Sandoval returns next week. That means Tejada has about a week to strengthen his case for the Hall of Fame.
Mike Carp – M’s manager said Carp would only see 3-4 starts per week. To get dyslexic on you, crap.
Pedro Alvarez – Tweaked his strained right quad resulting in a setback in his rehab. Vote for Pedro…as the lamest 3rd baseman in 2011. Both definitions of lame work.
Paul Maholm – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. Now has a 3.39 ERA on the year, a 1.18 WHIP and a terrible walk to strikeout ratio. I actually own Maholm in one league, which is a little scary since I’m not sure Maholm would own himself in a fantasy league.
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-5 with his 10th home run, a walk off blast, which gave Daniel McCutchen the win. Then the Pirates played ‘We Are Family’ and everyone hugged. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time a player hit a walk-off homer to give someone with the same last name the win. Actually, they didn’t say that. But something that was overheard recently at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Bill, in human resources, smells of onions for a record five straight days.”
Zach Duke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K. Good (for Duke) start. Through 126 1st half innings in 2009, he had a 3.29 ERA, so he is capable of an extended run of decent starts. But sometimes you take Zach Duke to the cashier and she rings you up for six innings and five earned runs.
Joba Chamberlain – To the DL with a flexor strain. Someone went too heavy on the shake weight. As Joba’s drug dealing mom would tell you, “Smoke the shake, don’t shake the weight.”
Alexi Ogando – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. He dedicated his non-regression to all the nerds that know what FIP stands for.
Aaron Cook – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. He’s back and healthy. And that’s where the positivity ends.
Bud Norris – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 5 Walks, 2Ks. Bud Norris can punch a cyclops between the eyes.
Jason Bourgeois – 2-for-5 with his 14th steal as he finally got the start. It’s almost as if the manager forgot how good he was before his injury. Play Bourgeois, you capitalist pig!
Justin Masterson – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. His sister, Mary Stuart, must have pumped him up for this start. Obviously she was more of a help for him than for her boyfriend last year on the Dodgers, Eric Stults.
Cord Phelps – 0-for-4, was called up by the Indians and started at 2nd base. Cord has solid plate discipline and a lot of can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness. Pretty average power and speed. Outside of AL-Only leagues, you’re grasping at straws right now if you go for a roll in the hay with him.
Ben Revere – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal. But it came at the expense of my Masterson. Damn you, Ben Revere. Why can’t you just be happy being a character in a Ben Affleck Masshole thriller? You had to go and sully Masterson’s line. Get it, Sully! Revere’s looking like a decent deep league addition. Shoot, he’s looking better than Span at this point, though that’s a bit of a ‘no compliment’ compliment. He’s a player that I could see Gardy giving everyday playing time to even when Kubel and Thome return.
Justin Morneau – 1-for-4 to raise his average to .230. Nice showing! Everyone knows that all Canadians are robots. Can’t Gardy reboot Morneau? Or can they upgrade to the Vottomatic?
Michael Brantley – 3-for-5. He’s hitting .295 on the year with 5 homers and 8 steals, i.e., he’s on pace for a Victorino type year — 100/10/60/.280/25. Frankly, he should be getting more press from me. He’s having a real solid fantasy 5th outfielder year.
Mark Reynolds – 2-for-3 with the slam & legs. “Now, wait one second, Mini Donkeys don’t eat slam and legses,” said a’la Jimmy Stewart. Not sure why, but his voice is stuck in my head. Mr. Potter! Reynolds does seem like he’s finally found his power stroke. If anyone remembers his 2009, he can get blazing hot for extended periods of time. Do keep in mind he only has 4 multiple hit games since April 13th, so his average may peak at .230.
Zach Britton – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Start anyone vs. the A’s. You have my permission.
Jemile Weeks – 2-for-3 with 2 runs. He was bumped down the order, but he is starting every day. I’m farting in your general direction, Eric Young Jr.
Randy Wolf – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. He’s actually been solid or terrible in every start. 5 IP, 4 ER start here; 7 IP, 1 ER start there. If you’ve been able to stomach that, his overall numbers don’t look hideous.
Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 2 ER. Speaking of waffling between great and awful… Pick a side, Joe Lieberman!
Prince Fielder – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and has now homered 6 times in June… Mmm…Did someone say waffling?
Jason Heyward – Glass Chipper told Heyward he needs to play hurt. That wasn’t very Chipper of him to say. He should change his name to Tough Love Jones. Chipper added, “I was healthy for 11 days between 2000-2010 and that includes the offseason. In fact, I just tweaked my oblique telling you Heyward should play hurt and I didn’t stop talking, did I?”