There’s a dark side to the expansion of rosters that no one wants you to talk about. Or people do talk about it, but they talk about it as written by the writers of The Honourable Woman so no one can understand it. You laid a cable modem through the Gaza Strip? But now the Palestinians can see which celebrities are on their side. “We got Rihanna! With a hashtag, baby! If we could only buy her albums. What does she sing? S&M? What’s that mean? Whips and chains? Oh, yeah, like torture? Oh. Regarding sex? Hmm, we’d kill her for singing that. What other songs does she have? Umbrella? It doesn’t rain here. What else does she sing? Only Girl in the World? That is neither accurate nor encouraging. Could she remix it to 72 girls in the world?” This MLB roster expansion has a side to it that is that disturbing. With teams expanding, they don’t need to DL players. A week ago if Dustin Pedroia was forearm shivered as he was on Saturday, he would’ve hit the DL. Now, well, he’s going to sit on the bench for at least a week. Miguel Cabrera may have also hit the DL a month ago, so he could rest his ankle. Now, the Tigers said he could sit for 4 to 5 days. It’s not great news, though with how he’s hitting, in some leagues it might pay to just bench him and grab a hot bat. As for Pedroia, I’d drop him in most mixed leagues. He could be out for a week or longer, and, brucely, he hasn’t done much this year when he has been playing. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Edward Mujica – Six days ago, the Boston media said Koji Uehara should be shut down. Five days ago, John Farrell said Uehara won’t be shut down in September. This weekend, Farrell said Uehara would have his load lightened. Hey, it’s a manager’s prerogative to change his mind. In this case, it’s prolly his prerogative to just go with what the Boston media is saying, so they don’t call for his head this offseason. Tomato-tomato said with a different emphasis. I own Mujica in one league, and I’d do the same if you were desperate.
Clay Buchholz – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 5.40. Buchholz claimed to have no idea that Tropicana Field was a non-retractable dome. The threat of melanoma is real.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, and has two homers and three steals in the last eight games while hitting near-.300 in the last week. Bit of a hot schmotato, which is aided by his shortstop eligibility in Yahoo.
Alex Cobb – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.98. I’m not the type to go back to the comments in July that were calling for my head, angry that Cobb had a 4+ ERA. Plus, it’s Labor Day weekend. Me searching comments is not what they meant by labor. The holiday’s name comes from when Betsy Ross simulated baby labor and Benjamin Franklin pulled the first American flag out of her vagina.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.44. Shizz went pear-shaped there for a while with Quintana and don’t really love him since the White Sox threw in the towel this weekend. Though, I find it hilarious that their best pieces to move were Dunn and De Aza. You rich with options, White Sox, you will definitely be winning over Chicago fans while the Cubs trot out those — pfft! — rookies.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting near-.450 in the last week with two steals. Since I told you to pick him up every day last week, why change things up?
Carlos Sanchez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .283 and playing every day 2nd base for the White Sox. Doesn’t have much power, or speed, or on-base skills, but he is playing. Take that, Cubs rookies!
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA all the way up to 2.11. Two parts of me are fighting. One part of me doesn’t draft starters high. Other part of me really wants Sale. This could be related to being half-Jewish.
Adam Dunn – White Sox traded Big Donkey to the A’s for Nolan Sanburn. All brays to the A’s! The A’s will probably use him in a rotation at DH. BREAKING! Variety reports in the sequel to Moneyball, Platoonball, Will Ferrell has signed on to play Dunn and plans to pack on 100 pounds for the role. The man-child, OBP machine comes on for one last run at glory, and ends up loosening up special assistant to the GM, Jonah Hill, showing him how to live for the moment.
Coco Crisp – Will miss a few days due to his neck. Worst player ever for weekly leagues!
Scott Kazmir – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER. After the last game when he was also rocked, I said t-minus four days until a DL stint. I think now we’re at negative 17 hours until his DL stint. If I were the A’s, I’d backdate his DL, and ask for a do over.
Matt Shoemaker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.14. Hey, that’s my pi! Their ownership numbers tell a different story, but I’d prefer Shoemaker to Kazmir. Okay, I’d prefer just about anyone to Kazmir.
Chris Iannetta – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. The Sciosciapath hates catchers who hit, so this could get dicey, and, The Sciosciapath seems to have a natural inclination to bench Italian catchers. By the by, ever notice how there’s so many Italian catchers? I think it’s because they like to talk with their hands.
Mike Carp – Designated for assignment. His best bet for catching on with another team is changing his last name to a different fish.
Derek Holland – Was activated from the DL, and will start on Tuesday. He’s not recommended in any mixed leagues, i.e., keep your hands and tulips away from Holland.
George Springer – Still can’t run and now the updates have become the variety of “hoping to return by the end of the year.” Astros will likely shut him down since all they’re playing for is Texas bragging rights. Speaking of which, George Bush Jr.’s H2H team lost a hard-fought battle to his dad’s. “Wait until my keepers come up. All in for 2016!” That’s Jeb texting. Then Junior texts back an expletive only to realize it was a group text.
Scott Feldman – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the RAAAngers. This was a career highlight for Feldman, up there with doing coke with a 13-year-old Drew Barrymore.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.03. He and McHugh could have a 2.50 ERA going into next year and they still won’t be drafted anywhere near where they should.
Matt Dominguez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Yup, it was Sunday.
Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 1 RBI with all singles. Somebody’s trying to go to the strip club! Too bad on the height requirements.
Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.26. Good to see him put the brakes on being bad in the month of August. Hopefully he can finish strong in the final month, if for no other reason than so people draft him really high next year. Grey Albright’s epitaph: Always able to look at the bright side of schadenfreude.
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.91. It must’ve only been two starts since his last mollywhopping. That means we’re due for him to get rocked in his next start. Fun times.
Josh Harrison – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .310 on the year. Quietly having a Daniel Murphy-type year, which is already a quietly productive season, so Harrison’s like a whispering librarian over here.
Carlos Gomez – Left yesterday’s game with a sore wrist. He’s day-to-day, or Day II Day, if writing an R&B song.
Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Kyle Lohse (5 2/3 IP, 7 ER). Brewers have to feel real good about their chances in a short series with their pitching, and by ‘real good’ I mean can their bullpen start in the 5th inning?
Santiago Casilla – Bochy announced that they would go with a closer committee of Casilla and Sergio Romo. They actually announced this already, but Bochy’s head is so big, sometimes the left side doesn’t know what the right side is doing. “Let’s go grab dinner!” “Um, right side, we’re eating.” Personally, I hope Bochy keeps saying it’s a committee with Casilla and Romo, but keeps using Casilla.
Jake Peavy – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks. I streamed Peavy here, and as mentioned the last time Peavy pitched, he has some great matchups in September after his next start in Detroit. I’m still debating holding Peavy for a week, but will probably need a bat or an arm prior. Somewhere, Mark Prior just sighed.
Hunter Pence – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs. Marvel’s newest superhero, Gangly Manbird. Watch him kill flies while he runs, see him get swept up in a strong breeze, hear him squawk. Gangly Manbird!
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th steal. That’s his 4th steal in the last eight games, and is batting around .300 in the last week. Yup, picking up where he left off last week.
Aaron Hill – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .244. Miserable year for Hill, and this will probably be the last year he’s owned all year in most mixed leagues, aside from hot streaks. Join Carlos Quentin on waivers, buckoo!
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer. Almost missed the game due to being held up by Arizona authorities who thought he was a Brownman.
Domonic Brown – 4-for-5, and his 8th homer. There’s still time, Tehol!
Ryan Howard – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .227. Get off Marla Gibbs’s lawn!
Ben Revere – 2-for-5, and his 40th steal, and 27 steals on the Nats, giving him 67 steals on the year. “I’m busy, yo.” That’s Ben Revere after watching a Breaking Bad marathon with whom he believed was Denard Span, but it was really a mirror.
A.J. Burnett – 6 IP, 5 ER. And has decided again to retire after this season, after deciding to not retire after his last start, after deciding to retire his retiring after the previous start.
Dillon Gee – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. Gee’s dot dot Ks. Un dot dot dot expected. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t mind his next start in Cincy, but Arrieta’s last start there is still making it hard for me to sit, so you do what you do, I’ll do what I do and maybe we’ll reconvene later.
Wilmer Flores – 3-for-4 and his 1st steal, and has been playing every day. I’m a fan for deeper leagues, since he’s always been a bat-first prospect. In 55 Triple-A games this year, 13 homers, hitting .323, and essentially the same the year before. Wouldn’t be surprised to see the Mets give him the entire last month to show what he can do (they should’ve gave him the whole year, but baby steps with the Mets).
Joaquin Benoit – Sidelined again with shoulder discomfort. When a pitcher suffers a setback with his shoulder, it usually means he’s going to get shutdown for the year. It sounds like Kevin Quackenbush could be the closer for at least a week, maybe longer. And Kevin Quackenbush sounds like Ducks on the Pond, which is Major League Baseball’s attempt to reach a younger demographic. “Who broke the sound barrier?” “Is that something Beyonce did?” “No, Chuck Yeager in 1947!” I look forward to MLB’s trivia about Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier.
Adrian Gonzalez – 4-for-5, 1 run with four singles. Slap yo’ pitch up!
Matt Holliday – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer, and two homers on Saturday. Cool with me if he wants to clown people next year into thinking his season was good when all he’s had is one good week.
Kolten Wong – Hit his 10th homer, before being removed due to a head injury. He’ll be put through the full spectrum of concussion tests by St. Louis’s doctors. He passed initial ones yesterday. The first question: safer to piss off Ferguson Jenkins or Ferguson, Missouri?
Jhonny Peralta – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Jhonny gave me a name, and then walked away! Now I’m a grown man with a hot schmotato of my own! C’mon, that’s Everclear! What, no 90’s rock for you? That’s too bad.
Nathan Eovaldi – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. He only pitched well because it was against Alex Wood (8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks) and the Braves refuse to score for him. Wouldn’t surprise me if we later learn Fredi gave orders to not hit when Wood’s on the mound to toughen him up.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer. I think it was a rerun, but have you seen the episode of Storage Wars where Yuuuuuuuup Dave finds Gattis in a storage locker?
Bryce Harper – 3-for-4 and two solo homers (9, 10). I’d be impressed if he can pull his shizz together in September to the point where he’s back in the 2nd round discussion next year. Wouldn’t be impossible. Probably a ten-homer month would get him there.
Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd in as many games. On our 30-day Player Rater, he’s the top ranked 2nd baseman. Fo’realies. Not all that close. Ackley is the 6th most valuable hitter in the last 30 days. That’s for all positions.
Drew Hutchison – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 9 Ks. Ah, the joys of rookie pitchers. Flashes of brilliance, flashes of bukkake. Hutchison gets the Red Sux next, but the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love it. I could see it going either way, depending on how much risk you can take on.
Melky Cabrera – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. In this game, Edwin Encarnacion and Jose Bautista also went 1-for-4 with a solo homer, Edwin’s 28th, and Bautista’s 29th. In related news, Dwayne Murphy clanged his pimp cup for a refill.
John Mayberry – Blue Jays acquired him to platoon, trading away Gustavo Pierre. Tough for Toronto to lose their one French player, but c’est la vie.
Danny Duffy – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.42. I keep waiting for him to do a major foofke, but so far his shorts have been clean. By the by, Cougs calls her farts foofkes. What? TMI?
T.J. House – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.92. House is so unconventional, out there on the mound with a cane, using nothing but his wits and whatever information he can gleam from Willie Mays Hayes.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Didn’t start yesterday due to his ankle. His fluoroscope showed no damage, but he indeed has not been flossing as he should. He then received a lecture from the dental assistant, a free toothbrush and floss. He should start on Tuesday in the Yanks next game.
Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. His ERA has jumped on the Yankees from 1.90 to 2.80 in two starts. Must be the type of musk he’s wearing cause the Regression Fairies can’t stay away from him.
Brett Gardner – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer, and a single short of the cycle. Must be saving them for another game, McDonald’s would say he knows his eco-nom-nom-nom-ics. Would’ve loved to be in the meeting when the advertising execs explained nom-nom-nom to McDonald’s. “Okay, we’re not ready to sign-off on the Happy Emoji Meal, but we’ll try that nom-nom thing.”
Danny Santana – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .313. When I get a Danny Santana homer, I get a good feeling like Flo Rida, not the state, the rapper. If you’re having Siri read you this, that was prolly a confusing sentence. Sorry, Siri, you proper lady of pronunciation.
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite! Immediately after seeing Plouffe hit his 2nd homer in the last three games, I went to pick him up. Of course, he was already taken. I’d go look for him in your league; he goes on crazy streaks, which could be unfortunate since Plouffe is an onomatopoeia for the sound poop makes when it hits the toilet water.
Jordan Schafer – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 11th steal in, like, three games. SAGNOF!
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 35th homer. So, the key to keeping him healthy is apparently a one-year contract.
J.J. Hardy – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer. If he gets to 17 homers in the final month that will prove I’m the world’s stupidest time traveler, since I only bring back random bits of inane information from the future.
Caleb Joseph – 4-for-5, 1 run. Love to be a fly on the wall when the Amish horse and buggy, Ezequiel Carrera, comes to bat while Father Caleb Joseph is catching. “You will be stricken out or convert!” “The power of Ezequiel compels you!”
Steve Pearce – MRI on his abdomen showed no tear. An MRI on Rod Stewart’s abdomen showed 5 gallons of men’s “tears.”
Kelly Johnson – Red Sox traded him to the O’s for Jemile Weeks and Ivan De Jesus. Red Sox should also trade for Jose Molina, B.J. Upton, Jeremy Giambi, Dom DiMaggio and have Don Swayze manage the team. Johnson should play 3rd for the O’s with the loss of Machado, but unless he’s hitting, he’s not worth picking up in most mixed leagues.
Alejandro De Aza – White Sox traded him to the O’s. He’ll slide into an outfield platoon like he was in Chicago, only instead of losing time to Eaton, he’ll lose food to Delmon eating.