This will be the last time I mention Logan Morrison for some time. Hashtag that. Not that I don’t like him, it’s just I’ve given him enough press, assuming the word ‘press’ still makes sense even though I’m dictating this post to a Montessori-taught monkey that I’ll occasionally catch looking at me like he wants to kill me and take over Razzball, which makes dictating that even more awkward. Imagine in 300 years when they find this post in a time capsule with Snooki’s poof. They’ll read that monkey sentence and think they’ve figured out the major problem with our society was we had monkeys taking dictation only to be disappointed when they read this sentence. Sorry, future reader! We’re more complicated than that! Whoa, that was a major sidetrack. So Morrison was sent down because he needed to “work on all aspects of being a Major Leaguer,” which basically meant he used to grab his farts and throw them at Hanley. If someone dropped Morrison when he was demoted, I’d go ahead and re-add him. Or have your monkey re-add him for you. I’m kidding, future reader, our monkeys don’t manage our fantasy teams. They only give advice which we decide whether or not to follow. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Kyle Seager – The other day I compared him to Omar Infante. I’ll see that comparison and raise him Martin Prado. Personally, I don’t like guys like Infante or Prado outside of NL-Only leagues, but I also don’t like people who write personally either, so there’s that. I’m a contradiction wrapped inside of lazy writing pitfalls.
Kevin Kouzmanoff – Picking up Kouzmanoff leaves a fantasy baseballer (<–my Mom’s term) in a spirited debate with themselves over God, free will, morality and why there aren’t any other 3rd basemen to pick up.
Jose Lopez – Hitting .333 over the last week with 2 homers. This week’s third basemen pickups remind me of the Bottle Rockets song, “1000 Dollar Car.” To quote, “If a $1000 car was truly worth a damn, then why would anybody ever spend ten grand?”
Danny Valencia – Hitting .333 over the last week with 2 homers. Hmm… Just had deja vu. Weird.
Jimmy Paredes – Leave it to the Astros to promote a guy straight from Double-A who wasn’t even playing that well. But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — he’s hitting right now, has speed and good position eligibility.
Eric Young Jr. – I’m unabashedly a fan, if I’m using the word unabashedly right.
Jeremonio Affirezo – That’s a portmanteau of Jeremy Affeldt, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and Ramon Ramirez, i.e. the closerousel in San Fran. Ram-Ram seemed like the first choice, but he didn’t look good on Wednesday and Casilla got the save. But II, The Return of But, Romo returns this weekend. But III, This But Is Gonna Be Huge, Affeldt could see saves if the ninth is mostly lefties.
Bobby Parnell – He’s getting saves for the Mets and he can win you a SpongeBob at a carnival with his 102 MPH fastball.
Steve Cishek – I just went over my Cishek fantasy. I wrote it while eating the marshmallows out of my Lucky Charms.
Mike Minor – Has 52 Ks in 55 2/3 IP! *whispering fast* With a 1.49 WHIP and 4.37 ERA. *loud again* Next he gets the Mets and the Dodgers. Not in the same start. Who is he, Joel Youngblood?
Stephen Strasburg – Set to return on September 6th. Don’t Washington-area seismologists have enough to do?
Brandon Allen – After his two homer game, Bob Melvin said Allen would be the starter for the foreseeable future. As long as his foreseeable replacement is Conor Jackson, Allen should play. Sorry, CoJack, I don’t love you, baby.
John Mayberry Jr. – Charlie Manuel hinted that Mayberry could see everyday playing time even after Ibanez returns, saying, “Time comes when tadpoles gotta frog up. Now where’s Utley’s pomade? I gotta slide outta my uniform.”
Lucas Duda – Since August 14th, he has 4 homers. Terry Collins knows when he’s got a good thing. Like at 3rd base and shortstop when Reyes returns. Duda’s a 20 homer guy if he plays all year. Kinda like a poor man’s Willingham. Or a Willingspam.
Gaby Sanchez – No Gaby Gaby!
Trevor Cahill – Has a 7.00 ERA post-All-Star break. I’m thinking you can probably find that off waivers from someone else. It’s a hunch, ya’ll!
Bobby Abreu – He’s over 60% owned in ESPN leagues, so he made my imaginary self-imposed cut off that I occasionally ignore. What good is an imaginary self-imposed cut off that isn’t self-imposed? Nada, nada, nada damn thing.
Justin Morneau – Right now, it’s kinda sad the way you keep going back to him. The relationship is hurting both of you. It reminds me of a line from my upcoming, breakout Middle East rap song, “Why can’t we get together and take it easy… I’ll be your Qaddafi, if you’ll be my Condoleezza.”