Fredo is a disgrace. That’s Fredo Gonzalez. He’s running around yapping his mouth about my fantasy team’s business, saying Alex Wood can go to the bullpen and Gavin Floyd can stay in the rotation. Why don’t you defend Moe Green while you’re at it, Fredo? I’m sorry, I’m about to have an aneurysm. Fredo said he doesn’t want to go to a six-man rotation, saying, “(Floyd) is one guy that would not go to the bullpen… We all know how the bullpen thing is. You get up. You get down. You go in. You got to warm up in 15 (pitches), and I don’t want to do that to (Floyd).” No, instead you’ll do it to one of your best, young arms. Jonny Venters just asked an elderly man behind him in line at the bank to sign his check for him because he can’t lift his arm! I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart! Well, I haven’t heard anything official yet, but it sounds like Wood is headed to the bullpen so Floyd can start. Super. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Minor – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Move him to the bullpen! No, for serious, is this an option? As John Bobbitt probably said, please, not my Wood!
Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Did someone say the season started?” Bourjos was overheard saying that yesterday. He’s not nearly as bad as he’s seemed in the past month, so this might be the sign he’s coming out of it. I grabbed him in one 15-team league and would start to look at him elsewhere.
Matt Holliday – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs. Is this the first time I’ve talked about him this year? I wonder what we’d think of Holliday’s value if there was no Coors in his past. *wavy lines* “Hey, why is there Hollandaise sauce in my beer mug? I wanted a Coors. Wait, this dream sequence is all wrong.” *wavy lines*
Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Krazy Braves. He could’ve spotted them five runs and it wouldn’t have been close, unless the bullpen gave up a few runs then– Well, you get the drift.
Matt Wieters – After going to Dr. James Andrews, it was found Wieters doesn’t need surgery. Wow, could the good doctor actually have all the Ferraris and Lamborghinis he needs? Is the pool deck completed with gold leaf trim? Did he finish paying child support on his 17 illegitimate kids? I don’t know, but this is good news. Wieters is just dealing with soreness from an old college injury when he was a pitcher. So, I was right, just stop throwing curveballs to 2nd base. Or just friggin’ DH him.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and upped his hitting streak to 27 games. As Mr. Feeny told Ben Savage, “If you let people’s perception of you dictate your behavior, you will never grow as a person.” Society said, Arenado, you are a corner man, but you’ve proven wrong, old chap. You’ve proven them wrong!
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. When Tulo and CarGo are going good at the same time, it’s an embarrassment of riches like when you ask Rich Hall what he’s been doing since Sniglets.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 8th steal. He is standing five inches from every fantasy owner’s ear and screaming, “You will know my name!”
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-2, 1 RBI as he was activated. We now go to Bill in ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department for this very important message. Bill says, “Get him in your lineup!”
Stephen Strasburg – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks with all the runs coming in the first inning. He has a .915 OPS allowed in the 1st inning this year with 3 of 4 homers allowed coming then. In his career, his first inning ERA is 3.95 and the worst of any inning. Light bulb! Have Soriano start the game and then Strasburg comes in for the 2nd inning.
Carl Crawford – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting near .350 in the last week, which is the first nice thing I can say about him all year, and, trust me, I own him, so I wish there was more.
Danny Salazar – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Yes, it was against the Twins, but there was only one walk and he made it into the 7th inning on only 90 pitches. Huge…capped again for emphasis…HUGE step forward. His next start vs. the Blue Jays will be a test, but he’s finally headed in the right direction.
Cliff Lee – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Mark Buehrle 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. In Toronto yesterday, it was Take Your Much Superior Fantasy Starter To School Day and Buehrle took Cliff Lee.
Brett Lawrie – Still out of the lineup after The Flashlight Incident. Sounds like a case for Encyclopedia Brown.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer and 2nd in as many games. Hmm, maybe his wrist is feeling better. Still worried — I’m just a worrywart! — and he has four homers; the same as Juan Francisco (who homered yesterday), so I wouldn’t say we’re out of the woods yet.
Tim Lincecum – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 5.55. About three years ago, it became public knowledge that he smokes a bong or two. Around the same time, he seemed to forget how to pitch. I’m pretty sure I know what Nancy Reagan would say about this.
Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA is at 3.40. Leake’s rocking solid control (1.79 BB/9), which is good so you don’t get anything on the toilet seat, but his K-rate is blehring (5.19 K/9). Looks Henderson Alvarez-esque, or maybe that’s Alvarezque. By the by, you know that cliche about never putting the seat down for your lady boarder? Why do guys even lift the seat? You can’t get it in a 16-inch wide hole?
Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks. That line is the definition of a streamer in most shallow mixed leagues. Cust kayin’.
Coco Crisp – After jumping into the right-center wall to make a catch, Coco left feeling askew. Don’t go right of center if you can’t handle it, Crisp. He’s reportedly day-to-day, but it looked like a few days-to-five days-type thing. In his stead, Craig Gentry, who sounds like he could ride himself a steed. Gentry has nice speed — SAGNOF! — and should be leading off for a few days.
Drew Pomeranz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks. Pomeranz was likely a spot start. Though usually a Pomeranz isn’t a Spot but more of a Fluffy.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-7, 2 runs and his 2nd day in a row with a homer. I usually only point out when a guy has a big game, but 2-for-7 kinda typifies what the Mariners and A’s offenses did yesterday in their doubleheader.
Ryan Cook – Headed for an MRI on his strained forearm. That means much to the chagrin of Cook, his arm is, well, done.
Jim Johnson – Got the clean save and he’s the closer again, until he’s not, which could be tomorrow or a year from now. Obviously you have to own him for that sweet, sweet SAGNOF!
Erasmo Ramirez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Where was that for the first month when you were in the rotation? Since Maurer is accomplishing the rare feat of having a 6.92 K-rate and a 6.92 ERA, there’s a chance Erasmo sticks in the rotation. He’s not advisable yet in all leagues, but he could get there real fast.
Corey Hart – 1-for-4 and a slam & legs in the first game of the doubleheader. Ernie Banks would be so proud!
Mike Zunino – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Uh-oh, El Zunino is blowing through! Man your umbrellas and batten your slickers! Yes, that just sounded like something from A Chorus Line.
Gordon Beckham – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. I’m sure it won’t last, but, yes, we have ourselves a hot schmotato.
Travis Wood – 4 IP, 8 ER. The Regression Fairies can get married legally in five states, they say they’re going for cocktails with a sly grin and they will rip your heart out when you’re not looking.
Rick Porcello – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.49, but his xFIP is 3.17, which makes his 6.3 K/9 a bit more digestible. I’m still holding out hope that he tops his 7+ K-rate from last year, and doesn’t undercut it. Mr. Brightside says he’s doing just fine.
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd in as many games. In this game, he took deep Peacock, which reminded Miggy of the time he drank a whole bottle of whiskey at Lollapalooza and decided to go to the bathroom while the Spin Doctors were playing.
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Marlins. Member how I said the other day that it seems like the Twins, while having a nice first month, are resorting to being a weak hitting team as they seemed all along? Well, it’s irrelevant if you remember cause I just repeated the whole thing. Any the hoo! I think the same thing is going on with the Marlins. It once again looks like the luggage tags on their bats were meant for Miami International, but now they are just MIA.
Tom Koehler – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 1.99. The Marlin pitchers are all sexy, sexy, hump, hump. In the past, I talked about how I would grab Koehler and I like his velocity, though it hasn’t translated to a great K-rate. And that’s me kinda paraphrasing me! Obviously, you can’t outright own a guy with a K-rate under 6 in most mixed leagues, so he’s a streamer, and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, but, then again, it didn’t like yesterday’s either. Things that make you go hmm…
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Au Shucks! I wonder if I could trade Prince Fielder and Alex Gordon for Goldschmidt. I’ll throw in a personalized poem like you’d find as a giveaway on a lame Kickstarter campaign. I don’t want your poem, and I certainly don’t want to help pay for your new album, Tony Lucca!
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-5, hitting near .300 in the last week with one steal. Wow, when I started typing that sentence I thought I was gonna get excited. What’s the opposite of boing?
Eric Chavez – 3-for-4 and his 1st steal. That could very well be his first steal ever, says the world’s laziest employee of Elias Sports Bureau.
Bronson Arroyo – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 4.89. Ironically, that’s also the course number for Why A Pitcher’s Velocity Matters at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston.
Hector Santiago – 2 1/3 IP, 2 ER and four unearned runs as he gave up a homer to Derek Jeter. I wonder if Santiago gets a gift basket. Soothe that ERA burn with expensive cocoa butter.
Ryan Braun – Will take batting practice and could return when first eligible on May 13th. I hope his bubbie lays out a nice Ed Hardy shirt for him for his big day.
Wily Peralta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners (0 BBs), 3 Ks. Wily P. keeps his control hand strong, but maybe a walk here and there rather than throw the ball down the middle of the plate? Signed, Fantasy Master Lothario (Please don’t abbreviate).
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4, 1 run, 4 RBIs. He’s rocking the faux-slam box score. He’s doing great this year except for HR/SB. The perfect 5×5 player is Erin Hozier.
Alcides Escobar – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th steal in the past three games. Somebody’s aiming for their career-high of 35 steals. Maybe he’ll knock down the Crooked I with the 40.
Norichika Aoki – 3-for-6, 2 runs and his 4th steal. I’m patiently waiting like 50 Cent for Aoki to add some charms to his stat-line bracelet.
James Shields – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks in Petco. Shields feels like the absolute safest pitcher in a favorable matchup, doesn’t he? I mean, you can see him getting hit by the Red Sox, but he doesn’t flake out like some guys in a favorable matchup.
Alex Torres – 1 IP, 0 ER. Alex Torres wins the award for the MLB player name that could be a hot 90’s female MTV VJ. Who was hotter — Daisy Fuentes or Alex Torres? Hard to say.