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In our series of 2009 fantasy sleepers, I take a detour down my own personal Heartbreak Hill.  Anyone who has read this site for a few knows I had a huge crush on Alex Gordon going into the 2008 season, so it’s with great regret I must confess, “Gordon, I can’t quit you.”  That’s right, I’m pegging Gordon as a fantasy sleeper for the 2009 season.  Real shame I’m a moron, huh?  I wanted to ignore Gordon in 2009, but I just couldn’t.  When Katy Perry sang, “You’re yes then you’re no… You’re in then you’re out… You’re up then you’re down… We fight, we break up… We kiss, we make up…”  She was prolly talking about me and Alex Gordon.  I’m Josh Hamilton and Gordon’s my crack cocaine.  You reap what you sow and Gordon has dibbled his way into my heart.  Whoever started the Brian Shouse Fan Club, I hereby hire you to do a similar site for Alex Gordon.   I will pay you in adulation and expired cigarette coupons.  So what can we expect from Gordon for 2009 and why is he a fantasy sleeper?

Let’s pull up a stool to The Real Life Situation Bar and explain Gordon in some terms you might understand.  You remember that girl you picked up at the bar last year who was kabang from the front and kaboom from the back?  She was way out of your league.  You’re only hope was her falling off a boat, coming down with amnesia and thinking you were Kurt Russell.  Unfortunately, you weren’t on a boat.  You were in the line for the bathroom with a splotch of ketchup on your Big Johnson T-shirt.  Somehow God took pity on your sorry ass and this girl not only was willing to talk to you, but she also had DiDi Seven Stain Remover.  One ketchup stain and a few beers later, you ended back at your dorm room and through a miracle of miracles, you got lucky.  Then you woke up to find the most hideous breasted creature.  You realized you unknowingly took home the girl everyone on campus called The Unibrowser and you were out Firefoxed!  Now, to get The Unibrowser out of your room before anyone saw her, you began to explain to her how every morning you need to apply ointment to your cold sores.  She just laughed and showed you the Eggs Benedict she made for you while you were sleeping.  You tasted them and they were perfect.  So, like any real man, you decided to wolf down brunch, then kick her out.  Then, as you finished the eggs, she explained to you how she’s the daughter of the owner of Friendly’s and she’s the heir to the Fishamajig® throne.  So she’s rich and she can cook.  Hmm… Now you’re thinking about how you’re not such a great prize either and maybe you two can make a Happy Ending together.

So in this scenario, The Unibrowser is Alex Gordon and you’re you.  2008 was when you woke up and saw her unibrow.  Now in 2009, you never want to see her again, but you need to let The Unibrowser make you eggs and reveal that she’s loaded.  Don’t forget why we all liked Gordon to begin with.  Gordon’s final minor league season had him putting up 111/29/101/.325/22.  Yes, he’s sucked in the majors, but George Brett, who he’s most often compared to, only had 11 home runs his 2nd major league season.  I’ve seen Gordon show up in 2009 mock drafts surrounded by some stalwart schmohawks as Carlos Guillen, Ty Wigginton and Mark Reynolds.  Everyone has been burned by Gordon at least once in the last two years.  In 2007, he was destined to be the Rookie of the Year and in 2008 he was on everyone’s short list to take the next step.  Now he’s ending up on everyone’s “You Will Never Burn Me Again” List.  He comes with risk, but he has the skills for 75/20/75/.280/15.  Don’t kick The Unibrowser out of bed just yet.

  1. SoS says:
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    Grey, this one had me rollin. Ok, a lot of them have me rollin but whatev. I gave Gordon third base all to himself last year and he screwed me royally…ok, that was too easy. I actually think those projections are a bit low. Oh listen to me already with this guy! It just doesn’t seem possible that he doesn’t break out, but I thought that before.

  2. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @SoS: Gordon for MVP!

  3. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Eric W: Don’t ever apologize for posting something about our friends from India, Rinku and Dinesh. I can’t wait for the stories coming out of Pittsburgh about how Ramadan is affecting the pennant race.

  4. @Eric W: Just watched the clip. That part where the guy gets hit with the ball is funny. I heard Rinku comment, “Does pitching for the Pirates mean I get a crazy, hot wife like Anna Benson?”

  5. Eric W says:
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    @Rudy Gamble: Ha the real American dream.

    and i cant stand the Yankees

  6. 101 M.P.H. says:
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    Did you know that Ben Grieve is only 32 years old?

  7. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @101 M.P.H.: Ha! Way to cryptically get your point across. You’re like a fantasy baseball Mr. Miyagi.

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