First, Erasmo returns for our rookie nookie needs, then Adam Eaton is called up to see if owning rookies can be better than Viagra. They can. I asked your grandpa. What? We talk. Adam Eaton has that built in ability to…Ugh, I just started singing Invisible Touch in my head. Phil Collins, wherever you are, you’ve polluted my mind! I love Adam Eaton like a brother I never had and never wanted, but would hang out with if I had time between telling Mom that he was wearing her clothes and doing a runway show in the living room. Eaton has 30-ish steal speed and 10-15 homer power over the course of a full season. Well, that full season went out the window with his injury, and now there’s a Native American crying because someone littered with Adam Eaton’s full season. In a half a season, he could still have a huge one. A Starling Marte-type half wouldn’t completely surprise me. That would be the absolute best case scenario. More likely, he’ll get 4-7 homers and 12-15 steals and be primed for a huge breakout next year. I’d still grab him in every single league because he’s got something you just can’t trust. Something mysterious. And now I’m falling, falling for him! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Sonny Gray – Called up by the A’s. It’s raining sexy rookies, halleluiah! Or if you just watched clips of Monster’s Ball, Halle Berry! Sonny has been tearing up Triple-A with a 9+ K-rate and an under 3 BB/9 with a 2.81 ERA. Some are concerned that Gray’s under six feet tall, but I’d just like to know how my height is any concern of yours? His height could keep his major league ceiling down. Awesome, then it’s easier to dust. For now, Gray will be operating out of the bullpen — hey, I always wanted to be a reliever! At some point, Gray will get a chance to start; I’ve wanted to do that too! In AL-Only and keeper leagues, I’d absolutely own him, but for now he’s not mixed league viable. Fun fact! Sonny Gray is Grey Albright if you translate my name to old man slang.
Dan Straily – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Pirates. After shutting out the Cubs last time out over seven innings, this start has me buying again for his next start on the other side of the break. Unfortch, don’t know if it’ll come against the Angels or Astros. One of those starts is heaven sent and it’s not the Angels.
Brandon Moss – 1-for-3 with his 16th homer. He’s no Ibanez, but that’s because he’s 12 years his junior.
Neil Walker – Hit the DL with an oblique strain. It was doubly bad because there was also a strain to diagnose it.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 with his 23rd homer, hitting .250. Can Pedro from Pittsburgh keep this up? Seems unlikely. His K-rate and homers per fly ball are through the roof, literally if he’s playing in a domed stadium. At some point, you’ll want Pedro Bear at least 500 feet from your team.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. I’m flummoxed where the Ks could be for a guy that throws 98 MPH with ease. Flummoxed, I tell ya! I’m in the state of flummoxie.
Drew Smyly – Leyland said he won’t be stretched out to be a starter this year. Draw whatever emoticon you want on that Smyly news.
Omar Infante – Hit the DL with an ankle sprain. Infante, you’re such a baby!
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks. You would’ve been better off drafting Jose Quintana (8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks). That’ll chap your hide. Or hide your chaps, if you’re a dressed like a Village Person.
Matt Tuiasosopo – 1-for-3 and his 2nd day in a row with a homer. He tends to only start vs. lefties, and Leyland even removes him when a righty comes into the game, so there’s not a whole lot to see outside of deep leagues. Though Tuiasosopo can introduce you to a hot imaginary girlfriend.
Jake Peavy – Threw a simulated game. He stood on top of a mound of dirt in the middle of a dog park, then mimed throwing a ball to a Collie.
Jesse Crain – Threw from 40 feet on Monday. So, he’ll be all ready for the Little League World Series.
Alex Rios – 6-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI and 2 steals. Yesterday, Rios took out the Alexis.
Adam Dunn – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer. In this game, Don Kelly also homered for Detroit. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time Big Donkey and LL Donkey both hit homers in the same game and the first time two of the same type of animal hit homers in a game since Carlos Lee as “El Caballo” and Barry Bonds as “Horse’s Ass.”
Gordon Beckham – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .340. Yes, he’s been that hot. Yes, I’d pick him up if I needed average. Yes, I know how odd that sounds about Beckham.
Dayan Viciedo – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. It’s not playing fair with the fantasy community when a guy, who I always say to pick up, gets this hot in his first hot game. I’d grab him with the thought that this is the beginning of a hot streak. BTW, the fantasy community always brings a calculator when there’s more than two parties splitting a check.
Alejandro De Aza – 3-for-6, 2 runs. Pretty much everyone on the White Sox did well yesterday. What do you expect against some scrub named Verlander?
Ty Wigginton – Cards released him. He’s now calling around to teams singing, “I’m Wiggy, give me one more chance.”
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, 2.30 ERA. As I said yesterday, I’m currently doing my rankings for the top 100 for the 2nd half that will be published next week. Wainwright is so high; he even surprised me. And I’m writing the farkin’ thing!
David Freese – 3-for-4, 1 run. He’s like my Cody Ross buy call at the corner. There’s still so many stats to come from Freese’s bat. I just find it inconceivable that he’ll only have 10 homers on the year. Inconceivable!
Ryan Braun – 1-for-3. In related news that I’ve covered before, MLB is set to start suspending players after the All-Star Game. If I were Braun, I’d shoot up about 4,000 CCs of steroids and hit like 40 bombs during the appeals process. Hitting some balls that never land because the stuffing shoots out of them like The Natural. In reality, I think a month is the shortest possible time for the appeals process. Also possible, MLB and the rest of the tricksters push the appeals all the way until the offseason and Braun is suspended to start next year. In other words, I told you to sell Braun about two months ago and now you just gotta ride the ‘roid lightning.
Wily Peralta – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Now has back-to-back solid starts. He gets the Diamondbacks next, which isn’t a terrible start, I suppose, but I wouldn’t go near him outside of very deep leagues. Wily instills no confidence in me. Nily, even.
Tony Cingrani – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. Maybe this is confirmation bias or some other Psych 101 word, but doesn’t it seem like the more hype a pitching prospect shows up with the less well they do the first time around. Cingrani had some hype, but he was no Cole or Wheeler. Well, Cingrani is blowing them away.
Adrian Beltre – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and two homers. It’s time for another installment of how well is Beltre doing vs. Choo since Grey traded Choo for Beltre. On the other team, Choo has a line of 32/7/16/.240/6 and Beltre had 15/4/13/.241. On my team, Choo had 25/5/13/.331/3 and Beltre has 36/14/36/.355. Together, they’re basically a top five player. *blows on knuckles, mockingly rubs knuckles on shirt*
Leonys Martin – 1-for-2, 1 run and a caught stealing. I only point this out to say that he’s still trying to run every single time he gets on base, so I’d try to have some patience with him.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. You know how some players have been caught putting rubber balls in their bat? Since Cruz’s going to be suspended too, he should run to first and accidentally drop a syringe. You know, have fun with it!
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the O’s. If you started him here, you have melons the size of Gallagher’s. You also got lucky, since he had two additional runs that went unearned. I still don’t trust him at all.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. MaMa, I love you!
Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers (14, 15). Obviously, 47 is the new 30.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer. I can feel it in my bones that he’s going to have a huge 2nd half. No, you can’t feel it in my bones. What is wrong with you?
Travis Wood – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, 2.69 ERA. Don’t even compare the two, Verlander owners. You’ll only hurt yourself.
Starlin Castro – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Keep hitting the 57 on that bottle of Catch-Up!
Albert Pujols – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. He got to Wood late for the oxymoronic Pujols sticking it to Wood.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 2.97. The Regression Fairies come as your friends, the people who have cared for you all of your life, and they always seem to come at a time when you’re at your weakest and most in need of their help.
Kendrys Morales – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers. He now has four homers in the last week. Maybe some of that old man juice from Ibanez is rubbing off on him. *shudders* Gross, just thought of old man juice.
Brad Miller – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting leadoff and five for his last ten. Looks like he’s starting to come alive. I’d absolutely put him in my middle infield slot for a few weeks to see what he can do.
Jackie Bradley – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. This was his 2nd homer in the last three days. It’s no one game with three whole walks, but Bradley’s bat might be coming alive. Worth looking at in deeper leagues.
David Ortiz – 4-for-5, 3 runs and his 18th homer and 3rd (!) steal. Big Papi said, “Hisashi my dashi — slurp this!”
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Pedroia said, “Big Papi that’s not dashi, that’s my bathtub.”
Matt Kemp – Says he’ll be ready to return right when his DL stint is over. Yeah, just like how he said in February that his shoulder would be fine for the start of the season.
Ian Kennedy – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 5.31 ERA. Was surprised to see Rudy stream him yesterday. Not complaining, just surprised.
Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, 7.27 ERA. With Arcia, Hicks and Gibson, the Twins are trying to give their guys some major league experience. It’s noble of them, but it would be more noble if they put down the seat so we didn’t have to look at it. Since the Twins are forfeiting this year, they’ll be known as the Tlosses.
Alex Torres – 1 IP, 2 Ks, ERA is at 0.35 and WHIP is at 0.54, and has 33 Ks in 26 IP and 3 wins. If you use middle relievers at all, you should be using Torres.
Carlos Gonzalez – Out again due to his middle finger. If he doesn’t get back in the lineup soon, I’m sure some of his fantasy owners will have a middle finger for him.
Mitchell Boggs – The struggling reliever was shipped from the Cards to the Rockies. This could be a solid landing place for him since he always complained about gravity holding his pitches down.
Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, 3.62 ERA. You may have noticed I’ve been recently telling people in the comments Chacin’s fine to pick up. I still don’t trust pitchers in Coors, but this start was in Petco and he goes to Dodgers Stadium next, so that’s not bad either.
Eric Stults – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. The kids call that a Hodgepadre.
Alexi Amarista – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting around .300 in the last week and just went 3-for-5 in Sunday. Don’t think he’s going to save your season, but he’s a lukewarm schmotato.
Justin Upton – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. From the dark swamps of Yousuckville, Georgia, emerges a man that could be the hitter we saw in April. He shakes seaweed off his arms, helps his older brother chop down a tree since he’s swinging an ax and missing it, and marches forward. Keep marching, Upton, keep marching.
B.J. Upton – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. Hey, he stopped flailing wildly with that ax and joined the party. Miracles equals sign with a slash through it cease.
Julio Teheran – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER (3 unearned runs), 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, 3.09 ERA. His xFIP isn’t bad either and there’s no reason to worry the other shoe is gonna drop Andre the Giant-style.
Rob Brantley – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a homer, his first. Sad when that’s what a career day looks like. Not sad sad, but more sad like Nelson Muntz is pointing at him, laughing.
CC Sabathia – 9 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, 3.99 ERA. I like how the Yanks announced this offseason that CC will not be throwing as many innings due to offseason elbow surgery. He’s on pace for 240 innings. When his career’s over, Aborigines will be able to use CC’s arm as a new kind of boomerang, one that doesn’t comeback.
Billy Butler – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games. This homer came off of Sabathia. Between innings, Butler and Sabathia did an impromptu reenactment of the Weird Al “Fat” video.
James Shields – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Must’ve been weird for Shields to face his long-time foe, the Yankees, with all of their fresh faces. I’m using ‘fresh faces’ the same way a nurse at an old age home does when they get some new recruits.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Having a solid comeback year, if it wasn’t for, ya know, his 4.37 ERA and 1.45 WHIP. His Ks have been nice though.
Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, 4.62 ERA. Can’t argue with this start, because then you’d be arguing with something amorphous like a crazy person, but I still wouldn’t trust Johnson.
Matt Harvey – Could miss his next start due to blisters. I’d try Valtrex. A friend told me it really works.
Shaun Marcum – Needs thoracic outlet syndrome surgery. Isn’t a thoracic something a cockroach has? Well, Marcucaracha is out for the year.
Dillon Gee – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 14 baserunners, 3 Ks. Gee whizzed all over your stats.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. This is going on about three weeks now that he’s been hot. Yes, you should pick him up. Now.
Scott Hairston – 2-for-5. This blurb should probably be labeled with Denard Span, but he didn’t play, and that’s the problem. Davey Johnson told MASN that Span could sit vs. some lefties. I say stop *pinkie to mouth* MASN with Denard!
Antonio Bastardo – 1 IP, 1 ER and got the save yesterday because Papelbon had gone four of the last five days. Bastardo will be a mainstay in the Buy columns for the next few weeks until the trading deadline, so if you want to get a jump on your competish grab him now. Oh, and another word of advice, don’t ever say competish in real life, you will get punched in the nose.
Jeff Francoeur – Signed with the Giants and will go to the minors until Pence is hurt. This is the first thing Giant fans, who are also Francophiles, have to cheer about since Jean-Toulouse Snow retired.
Brian Wilson – In August, he will audition for teams. The Padres are said to be doing a Harry and the Hendersons remake and are looking forward to Wilson reading for them.