We are making a double switch today. Rudy is taking the husband slot which will probably bench him for a few years; Grey is taking the best man slot that will put him in the reliever role and I’ll be taking the cleanup spot for today. If I’m wearing a titanium sombrero after this, just remember Cinco De Mayo is closing in and I’m probably drunk. And while you’re reading the ramblings of a drunk man, you might as well go over to the nether regions of Razzball and check out my football ramblings.
My Mauer’s heel is my love for deep fried twinkies. Joe Mauer‘s is actually his heel. Gardy says he is week to week, but now I’m hearing day to day, but any way you look at it a heel injury is tough on a catcher. I don’t want to channel Grey and say I told you so, but I will if you cross me. His home runs are down so far and with this bruised heel that number isn’t going to rise any time soon. While you revel or despair in Joe Stud’s injury let’s take a look at some other happenings in the wide world of baseball:
Curtis Granderson — He’s been put on the DL with a grade 2 groin strain. It wasn’t until grade 5 that my groin started straining. Grandy could be out up to a month. His replacement(s) aren’t going to help you since their names are Randy Winn and Marcus Thames and they’ll be splitting time.
Andre Ethier — With Matt Kemp’s blazing start Andre has been lost in the ether (see what I did there?). With 4 donks in the last 3 games he doesn’t seem to be slowing down anytime soon. If you’re at dinner with Andre, don’t order dessert just yet.
Johan Santana — The Phillies teed off on him in Philly last night. Shizz happens. It’s Utley, Howard and company and it’s in a mini-stadium. Might as well send an offer or two out to see if you can pry him away from a disgruntled owner.
Alfredo Simon — I’m a big fan of his sauce and now of his SAGNOF, mmmmm SAGNOF. Mike Gonzalez is still three weeks away from possibly, maybe, returning and Simon has pitched well. Simon says, “pick me up!”
Zach Grienke — He continues to get Grienke’d but good. In his last 85 starts, he has a 2.86 ERA in 540 innings with 32 wins. His team’s offense hasn’t been God-awful this year, but they’re moving into that realm, which is where the middle relief has been dwelling. Those two should have a good time continuing the Greinke’ng of Greinke.
Josh Beckett — Looks like he’s coming around. Why were you worrying?
Justin Verlander — Look up at Beckett, check it.
Alex Gordon — He’s been optioned to AAA and that doesn’t come with all those perks like 10% off Motel 6 and the roadside assistance. If you took a picture of Grey right now he’d look like the Native American after that jerk threw trash out the window.
Doug Fister — Fister got fisted by Aardsma and the end result was a hard core Greink’ng. What’s this guy doing? It’s hard to trust him, but you have to respect his results. He’s loving Safeco where he has pitched 23 innings, given up 9 hits, 1 walk, and 1 earned run. He is a prototype for a sell high, but if you can’t get anyone to bite, I’d stick with him at home and be careful on the road.
Edwin Jackson — Grey warned you and now I’m here to rub it in your face some more. (And mine too since I just dropped his arse.) I watched this last game against the Cubs and Ed couldn’t get the ball near the catcher’s glove, leaving pitches up and in all kinds of wheel houses.
Austin Jackson – Now this is a Jackson I can support! The kid just keeps on hitting and K’ng, but more hitting! He leads the league in hits with 41 and his average is pee eightch a tee. He’s a sell high, just cuz, but he’s fun to watch!
Tom Gorzelanny — K’d the D-backs 10 times which is a career high. This would be great news for Tom if he wasn’t facing the free swinging D-backs. He’s a spot starter at best, but if you have a schmohawk lefty you want to start against Arizona you have my blessing.
Alfonso Soriano — And you thought he was going to carve a permanent butt groove on your bench. In his last 10 games Soriano has 5 HRs, 14 RBIs and six walks. The walks are nice to see for the swing at every slider away Soriano. As the dearly departed country singing sage Jerry Reed said, “when you’re hot you’re hot and when you’re not you’re not.”
Jimmy Rollins — He is still feeling tightness in his calf and should be out another 2 weeks. Jimmy likes teasing you with a great start. Jimmy wants you to suffer. Jimmy blames Kramer for his injury.
Brian Roberts — His time table to return is looking worse than my times tables in the 3rd grade. I have a “7 x 8 = 56″ tattooed on the back of my hand. There actually is no time table for his return. You have to hold onto him, but try to forget he’s on your team. It will be like finding a twenty dollar bill in your back pocket when he returns, or a nickel, depending on how he plays.
Stephen Strasburg — He’s been promoted to Triple-A and as soon as Livan Hernandez returns to his hometown of Schmoville it will once again burn your eyes to look at the Nat’s pitching stats, which in turn will get the S.S. Cy Young rigged and shipped out to D.C.
Nick Markakis — Sparkakis! He’s turning his shizz around.
Paul Konerko — He’s up to 12 donks for the year. Ride his donkey-donks for as long as you can. He could be a sell-high candidate, but his name doesn’t inspire much over-hype at this point in his career. He’ll be solid enough for you, especially at whatever bargain basement round you drafted him in.
Rafael Furcal — There’s a good chance he’ll be DL’d if he can’t go today. Very bad news for his owners since he looked like he was back. Tweaking your hammy isn’t anything like pinching your pet pig’s nose, but both might land you on the DL.
Jon Garland — Hodgepadre strikes again!
Jhoulys Chacin — Pitched well against the Giants on the road. Against a good team in Colorado you will see different results. He gets the Dodgers in his next go around. His name is pronounced “Yo-lease,” so I’m guessing he was named after Bart Simpson trying to get his sister’s attention, but I could be wrong. He is talented, but will have a lot of rocky starts (get it, Rockies?)
Rod Barajas — He must revel in facing his old team (who he played a whopping 48 games for). Three Donks in two games. He’s blown his wad.
Jaime Moyer — I can only think of Eddie Harris every time I see him pitch. His hair did look a little greasy.
Kerry Wood — Chris Perez might not want to give the closers’ role back, but Wood will get the opportunity. So what are you waiting for?
Daisuke Matsuzaka — Not much has changed for Dice-K. People still can’t spell his name and go with the “Dice-K,” instead. If you start him you’re rolling the dice, K? He did have a nice outing for Grey this week, but it was in our Razzball league.
Chris Young — He was blasted in Double A and couldn’t get out of the first inning. I’m holding judgment for now. It was his first start back and he is a Hodgepadre.