Open Up and Buy AH, because owning Aaron Hicks is Nothin’ But A Good Time! Also, a good time is searching any girl’s name from Rock of Love with your parental controls turned off. Okay, I have a few Bee Tee Dubs here. Unless you have a child, you don’t set parental controls on your TV. You can filter what you see without magically stumbling on porn. The internet though? You need parental controls on it, no matter if you’re home, at work, 12 years old, 64 years old, at school or on the john. You can Google something as innocuous as “cucumber” with no parental controls and all hell breaks loose in your search results. “Oh em gee, I just wanted a recipe for a cucumber salad!” Bee tee dubya II, we’re due for a terrible 80’s hair band renaissance. Someone needs to do a cover of a Poison song. Bee tee dubya III, there is no bee tee dubya III. Bee tee dubya IV, I have this nugget in my brain that says, even though I was only 14 years old, I knew how awful Poison was at the time. Like, when they did Your Mama Don’t Dance, a big part of me knew they were absolutely terrible, even then. Any hoo! Hey, any hoo’s initials are Aaron Hicks. Coinkydink? Thinks not. He’s on a 162-game pace of 25 HRs, 15 SBs and a .280 average. Of course, that doesn’t matter. We just want a hot player at this point, and, on our 7-day Player Rater, he’s near top 75, and should be owned everywhere. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Wilson Ramos – He either gets hurt or hits, right now he’s healthy. You do the math! (I’m not sure there was a math problem there.)
C.J. Cron – We can’t talk too much about Cron, because if The Sciosciapath hears he’s doing well, he will bench him. Hey, The Sciosciapath is Cron-nuts!
Rhys Hoskins – I’ve gone over this guy so much we may as well change the name of the site to Rhysball. That’ll be easy for people to spell! On a serious tip, go to the top right of the page, and search Rhys. You’ll make me .000000001 of a cent. It’s all about the 1/1,111,111,118th of a Benjamin baby!
Dominic Smith – Dom drops bombs on your moms. Eff this five-alarm seasoning Guy Frieri sold me!
Jose Pirela – I’m still rocking him on my mixed league team, but getting the sense that he’s slowing down, and I may drop him soon. How about that for a hard sell (hard buy)?
Cory Spangenberg – Lately, this guy has been eating thunder and crapping lightning. I know, that’s a very sabermetric breakdown.
Kolten Wong – “Rub-a-dub-dub. Three men in a tub. Billy Butler accidentally ate the butcher, Jeffrey Leonard was the Candlestick Maker and don’t hold a candle by my Wong, that’s my babymaker.” Okay, needs work.
Howie Kendrick – Gotta say, lately, Kendrick has been pitch perfect! What? I have to appeal to our five girl readers sometimes. I don’t forget my ladies. Crap, I think I was supposed to pick up Cougs from her mechanic!
Nicky Delmonico – Cutting Todd Frazier, and adding this guy? That’s committing Delmonicide, which sounds bad, but is actually good like crepuscular.
Tim Anderson – One thing to note here, major league teams that aren’t good, are good for playing time. They’re playing with the “ain’t got nothing to lose” fire burning a hole in their pocket.
Ketel Marte – To think, if you had to draft one Marte, you would’ve been better off drafting Ketel instead of Starling. The only ones that drafted Starling are now playing fantasy football. Segue like nobody’s business!
Eddie Rosario – In the last seven days, he’s been *touches butt, makes sizzle sound*
Mikie Mahtook – He’s a hot schmotato, but, beyond that, it’s gee-dee remarkable that he made it out of high school with that name. Maybe that’s why he took up baseball. Sick of getting punched for being a Mikie Mahtook.
Byron Buxton – In the 2nd half of the year, he’s hitting .326 with a whole lot of nothing outside of that, but it’s still better than the 1st half. I am beginning to see a pattern with this guy and 2nd halves.
Keon Broxton – The Xtons are like Xtina only she’s hot all the time.
Cam Bedrosian – If he ever becomes a consistent closer, we can call him Steadi-Cam, walk him through a kitchen, and watch him get super impressed by Henry Hill.
Brad Ziegler – A.J. Ramos helped me out early in this shizz, but to me he’s just another guy who can pitch. Now he’s back with Familia who’s a real mother. Now I’m realizing that I got Ziegler. Now I’m feeling lonely. My mind is playing tricks on me.
Matt Belisle – No, not very good, but look at this. That’s my RCL pitching staff (12-team mixed league). I’m currently in the top ten out of 1,000 teams and I lead my RCL league in saves, and have an 11 in ERA and Ks, 9 in Wins and 8 in WHIP. There’s very few leagues where you couldn’t have the same guys I own. Only three of those pitchers are owned in more than 80% of leagues, and they’re the starters, and I only drafted one of them.
Shane Greene – He has a legitimate chance to perform so well over the final two months that he could be the Tigers closer next year. Or he can fall apart in the next two months, and put him with the rest of the born losers. That’s a Shane, isn’t it? Not a Shane, a problem.
Blake Treinen – Don’t you wanna call him Trake Bleinen? No? Okay, it’s me.
Arodys Vizcaino – Same deal as Greene. No, not that he’s a ghetto bastard, but that he could be a closer next year. Actually, with Vizcaino, I’m counting on it.
Sam Dyson – Bruce Bochy, in that giant melon that Gallagher eyes lovingly, thinks Melancon isn’t ready to take over closer duties yet. Why is a guy better to pitch in the 7th inning for a 100-loss team than the 9th inning? When you have a 46-inch circumference around your head, then you can answer me.
Seung Hwan Oh – I lost feeling in my fingers partially typing up all of these potential closers.
Rafael Montero – You got it, another Stream-o-Nator call. This weekend actually is loaded with streamers. More so than I remember in some time. That time I can remember being the last 45 minutes. Stupid head injuries and weed smoking.
Hanley Ramirez – Hey, you guys had a good run over the last twelve years. Like that time you drafted him in the 2nd round, and he gave 1st round value. And that other time. You had some laughs, I tell ya! Hanley, or Hans Christian Baserunner Stranderson as I’ve started calling him, has seen better days.
Todd Frazier – Over the last 30 days, he’s been as valuable as Mallex Smith. Over-the-internet friends, Mallex Smith has not been good. Tyler Flowers has been more valuable than Frazier. Perfect, because I’d like to lay Flowers at the grave of Frazier’s fantasy value. For 3B, he’s ranked 43rd in the last month. Right under, ya know, Ronald Torreyes. Hehe, hoho, what? Remember, the Sells are no longer to sell, but to lose like a pinkie toe in poorly-run carnival ride.