Bud Norris and Zack Greinke both struck out 12 hitters yesterday. One in 6 innings and the latter in 7 innings, if latter means Greinke. And when I saw their lines it occurred to me, that my Bud’s gonna be just like Greinke, when he grows up, my Bud’s gonna be just like Greinke. You see my Bud’s WHIP’s a hassle and his homers have the flew. But one day Bud will be just like you. One day he’ll be just like you. And Greinke would say, “Why is he singing Cat’s in the Cradle to me? I’m not his father, I’m barely two years older than him?” Yeah, you’ll see, Greinke. You can’t even see the irony now, but one day, my Bud’s gonna be just like you. You all will see. For now, he’s not him. Nope, nuh-uh, nada, not there, nope again. His walks are still too out of control, but his K-rate is over nine and his xFIP is 12 team mixed league respectable. He’s about as risky a starter as there is — he’s even on Rudy’s list of risky pitchers for 2012 — but it’s hard to find his sort of Ks on waivers. And, one day, he’ll put it together and we’ll have a good time then… You know we’ll have a good time then. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alex Avila – To the DL with a hamstring strain. Only positive here is Miggy homered yesterday, feeling more comfortable without AA hassling him.
Chris Young – After starting Tuesday’s game (5 IP, 2 ER), the tall righty left to be with his wife for the birth of their child. Godspeed, I hear birthing a giraffe can be tricky.
Jason Bay – Returned from the DL, despite the Mets doctors best efforts.
Ike Davis – Reached base three times yesterday. And, no, it wasn’t one walk where he took a lead off of first and successfully made it back to first on two pick off attempts. He went 1-for-2 with two walks. Big news right there. I bet the back page of The New York Post will be, “Something about the Yankees.”
Drew Stubbs – Out with some bad ribs. Rudy says Stubbs BBQ in Austin has had bad ribs for years and they’re still open for business. What gives, Drew?
Paul Konerko – Should be back in a day or two, after having a small chip flushed from his wrist. Hope all his pertinent information is still on his collar.
Daniel Bard – Red Sox announced they are still deciding on Bard’s role. I’d go with Joseph Fiennes.
Josh Beckett – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 4.04. Still took the loss; the Red Sox blamed Youk.
Austin Jackson – Starting a rehab assignment, Sal Perez is starting an assignment, Evan Longoria’s about to start a rehab assignment, Pablo Sandoval’s already rehabbing. Is there any question why baseball was Betty Ford’s favorite sport? She used to say, “A great nation begins and ends at water, but a great water is vodka.”
Max Scherzer – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER to push his ERA to 5.88. Scherzer’s like an Oreo where the middle is creme and the creme is in the middle of excrement. Mmm…Ks…Mmm…Hey, is that corn? Jesus Montero, Scherzer, what did you do here?! He doesn’t sound like a Michael Chabon character to me anymore. He sounds like a virus of upside that people should bio-vac into a sterilizing waste bin, take out to the lake and free, so someone else can pollute their fantasy ecosystem.
Brandon Morrow – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Three weeks ago, Rudy said I shouldn’t be saying to sell him. But Rudy also didn’t think he’d have an ERA under 3.50 and he benched him yesterday, so that shows the level of trust here. How many really felt comfortable with him after his two 6 earned run games (one in 5 IP and one in 2/3 IP) in the last two weeks? Felt like the wheels were falling off, didn’t it?
Rajai Davis – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs with an extra side of legs. Topps should do one of those novelty cards with Rajai and Quintin Berry, titled, “What’s Happening!!” I don’t think it’ll be long before Rajai is moved up to the top of the order and continues to run. Yeah, it’s SAGNOF, but what else you got?
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-3 with his 9th homer as he finally emerged from a nasty slump where he was 5 for his last 40. Putting aside my cup of snark for a second, LaRoche is usually a second half player and he already has 9 homers. Maybe someone got him real drunk and moved his calender ahead three months. The trick’s gonna be when he’s gonna pop champagne after every series win in July.
Michael Morse – 4 for his last 8. •• — — ••
Felipe Paulino – He was hit by a comebacker, but he left the game with a groin injury. Sounds like a snowball injury.
Chris Capuano – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks to raise his ERA to 2.82, which secured him his 8th win. He also has a 1.08 WHIP. Basically any pitcher you can think of, Capuano’s been as good as them. It’s the Year of the Capu.
Jeff Francis – Signed by the Rockies. The visual I’m getting here is when Homer kept grabbing the donut that was attached to an electrical shock.
Aroldis Chapman – Just because I think it’s amazing, I’m going to go through his stats one more time. This might be a weekly segment. Grey Stops and Drools, brought to you by Lobster Bibs, We’re Not Just For Lobster Eating Anymore (what? They’re expanding their market). Maybe we’ll just call it the A-Droolis Segment. Either way, through 29 innings, 52 Ks! 0.55 WHIP! 0.00 ERA! 4 Wins! 6 Saves! And the actual faith of Dusty!
Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-3 with the Juan Pierre cycle. I caught some slack in the comments yesterday because it seemed like I was calling out Yoenis for only having 6 homers. I was just pointing out that I thought most would think he had more. No judgements. I wish he had more maybe because we have him on quite a few teams.
Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. And the battle between two starters (Colon and Millwood) that no one wants to own just got interesting. Colon’s ERA 3.92 to Millwood’s 3.90. 49 Ks to 46. Colon’s got the WHIP though in a walk 1.26 to 1.39.
Randall Delgado – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. He hasn’t been good all season by any means. Shoot, he hasn’t even really been that good recently aside from this game. But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — his ERA is more than a run and a half below Scherzer’s. Great, now Scherzer is polluting other player’s blurbs.
Freddie Freeman – Left yesterday’s game with a finger contusion. “Since I was a little finger, I always thought of myself as a toe.” Oops, that’s finger confusion. My bad. Freddie is gonna go for X-rays today and we’ll find out if he’s free, uh, man.
Allen Craig – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he’s either injured again (okay, that wasn’t the limb; here it comes) or he’s going to be this year’s Michael Morse breakout. Some day we’re going to tell our kids about the time Allen Craig stayed healthy for more than three months. A glorious time of mead and zaftig women and Allen Craig!
Josh Johnson – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks. Totally solid start, so don’t take this the wrong way, but he doesn’t seem like the dominant pitcher we used to see with him. He could still be trying to find his groove. Maybe it’s in Taye Diggs’s shorts.
Ivan Nova – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. He now leads the league with 7 wins. Your jaw dropped, then you went to your waiver wire to see if he was owned. When you got to the waiver wire, you saw he also has a 5.09 ERA and a 1.47 WHIP. How did I know what you did? I was standing behind you. Sorry, I was double parked. See you around!
Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Pitched better than his line indicates. The Tampa Bay Peach is not showing any of his minor league Ks (9+ K-rate) and his fastball may not translate to the majors (89 MPH) while relying on the change (40% of the time). At this point, I’d still only look at him in AL-Only leagues.
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer and third in the last three games. He’s finally earning that name change he did last year. Giancarlo, “Word.” Arte Moreno’s petition to change Los Angeles to Anaheim of Los Angeles hasn’t gone as well.
Jim Thome – Phils activated Thome from the DL. When I saw this news, for a second I thought I had my Rosetta Stone translator on that turns everything into 2003.
Ty Wigginton – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. As my 14-year-old niece would text, “TY VM 4 addvise pick-up TY HEHE!!!”
Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. Hold on! Stop burying him! It must’ve been the same spider that bit Nikki and Paulo. Rollins is hitting .370 over the last week.
Sergio Romo – Got his 3rd save yesterday. Giants are saying Casilla will be back for their next game. So fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) can stop waving a hand in front of their face saying “Can’t see ya.”
Gregor Blanco – 5 for his last 10 as he homered yesterday. He went cold there for a spell (around the time I picked him up), but he’s gotten hot again (around the time I dropped him. Face meet palm.).
Norichika Aoki – 3-for-4, 2 runs. He’s been entrenched in the leadoff spot for the Brewers while hitting .289 over his first 114 ABs. He’s not much else, unfortunately. Maybe 7/7 over the course of the season. Fun fact! His name translates to the sound someone makes when choking on a maki roll.
Carlos Quentin – 1-for-4 with 2 runs. The Padres are talking about extending his contract. We’re running a contest to give away a TV; the Padres are giving away $30 million dollars to their first player who can hit 4 homers in a week.
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4 as he homered yesterday for the 2nd time this year. To say he’s been yawnstipating is probably underselling yawnstipating, but he’s been better of late (.333 over the last week; 8 steals and ~.250 in May). Bee tee dubya, I love the tilde for so many reasons. A) It looks like a mustache. B) You need something else!? C) There’s no C. D) It’s awesome shorthand for the lazy. I just looked at Maybin’s stats for May, saw his average came out to somewhere around .250, dropped a tilde on that shizz and called it a day. E) You didn’t think this sidebar would have an E, did you? F) If I ever have a daughter, I’m naming her Ma~.
Wade Miley – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. He was almost the lede today, but he didn’t strikeout 12. Kidding. Sorta. I don’t buy Miley at all. I’d say sell him, but I doubt anyone’s buying him. It would be nice though if someone would drop some Liquid Paper on his stats, so there’s a bit more pressure to promote Bauer. Oh, no, I pressed the trigger word to ask about Bauer! Which is coincidentally his name.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a homer. AuShizz!
Justin Upton – Gibson sat him out again because he’s struggling. Kirk Gibson’s just giving him enough time to grow some stubble. “I’ll lather your face in Rogaine if I have to!” Between this and the owner calling out Stephen Drew, it’s “Piss off your players” week in Arizona. Next up — Chris B. Young is asked if the B stands for Butthead.