Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna be out at a family BBQ for Memorial Day. Your weird uncle that has coke bottle glasses is going to ask your girlfriend if she’ll pass the potato salad just so he can get a glimpse of her bra when she moves her arm, and then your friend is going to text you, “Anthony Rizzo called up! I grabbed him… Lqqk who sucks –> You! Say hello to your mother for me.” First thing you’re gonna think is, why are you friends with this guy? Bad enough he’s an ass, but he uses Q’s for O’s. Second thing you’re gonna think is, why you didn’t grab Rizzo and stash him a week ago? He is absolutely raking in Triple-A: .359 average, 13 homers in 37 games. LaHair’s obviously not getting benched, but he can slide into the outfield and Rizzo will be playing 1st base for the Cubs by June 5th. You can wait until June 4th if your league needs Nerf to supply the balls, but, in most leagues, you better grab him soon. In the meantime, let’s start calling Rizzo “The Scer.” You know, if Phil Rizzuto was The Scooter. Okay, maybe that doesn’t work. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Dale Thayer – Street’s closed, use alternate route. I’d consider going down Thayer. Street’s supposed to open again in a few weeks, but city planners and construction have already closed this Street 15 times in the last few years from just wear and tear. Chances are it’s up and running again are never definite.
Brian Fuentes – I understand people’s hesitation about picking up a guy that’s lost closer jobs before. How about when you lost the job at Buffalo Wild Wings because you didn’t do the Dracula sneeze and sprayed the wings? You still landed on your feet at Pita Palace and they didn’t judge you, right?
Addison Reed – Imagine a scenario where you have to go to the bathroom, but to get to the restroom you have to stand on line behind a fat kid trying to pick out an ice cream flavor at a shoppe with 50 flavors. That fat kid is Robin Ventura.
Casey Janssen – Sergio Santos’s return is imminent. And so is Lohan’s acting career, if you believe her manager. Take closer news at face value, then pick up the guy who is currently getting saves and rub it in the face of the ‘imminent’ closer.
Christian Friedrich – Christian sounds like such a handsome guy’s name. I wonder if it’s a self-hating Jew thing. Any the hoo! I don’t know how long Friedrich is going to be worthwhile. King of the Obvious, “He pitches his home games in Coors and he’s raw,” but his next start is vs. the M’s.
Wei-Yin Chen – Wow, this week’s starters aren’t looking good, but if you own Wei-Yin and Bruce Chen, you can change your team name to “I Got More Chens Than Yo Momma.”
Alex Cobb – I’d go by Al Cobb, if I were him. I wish I could shortened my name. Gr? What the eff is a Gr? That’s a Lisa Simpson sound effect. Gre seems pointless. Gr-Al? What am I, Superman’s home planet? Actually, I am. Don’t touch my crystals! I wouldn’t go near Cobb in most leagues, but in AL-Only he’s fine. Shoot, in Al-Only leagues, he’s a first round pick. Especially with the injury to Al Albuquerque.
Trevor Bauer – Tyler Skaggs could’ve been here too. This is the time to grab rookies that might see a June 1st call-up. In my heart of hearts (which is a second baboon heart that I have located inside my human heart), I don’t think we see Bauer until July-ish, but he’s worth the speculative add.
Bud Norris – He’s over my arbitrary 50% owned cutoff (65%), but that’s why it’s arbitrary.
Welington Castillo – I just went over him this morning. Scroll down. No, your other down. Since that morning’s post was written, Soto’s headed to the DL. Don’t shed any tears for Soto, his knee already did that.
Danny Espinosa – You know what these Buy/Sells are? They’re player groupings (ploupings?) of all the guys I’ve told you to grab throughout the week. What I think some other sites do for their weekly Buy/Sell is see who I’m touting all week and then list them. I’m not bragging when I say this. I’m fact checking, snitches!
Everth Cabrera – Called up by the Padres to take O-Dog’s spot. If you need 20+ steals from your MI, EverCab is the man (he’s also available for bar mitzvahs).
Brian Dozier – Hey, he’s hitting! (Okay, I got nothing else nice to say about him, but he is hitting right now — it’s all I got!)
Elliot Johnson – See what I said about Dozier but Find and Replace ‘hitting’ with ‘stealing.’
Freddy Galvis – Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy! Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy! Now steal some bases, you Smooth Criminal.
Todd Frazier – I just went over my Todd Frazier fantasy. I wrote it while performing “Stairway to Heaven, Mon” with Dread Zeppelin.
Nolan Arenado – If you missed out on Frazier in deep leagues, you’re gonna miss out on Arenando too and you’re gonna be waiting for Danny Valencia to get recalled and then cry to sleep. You wanna cry to sleep? C’mon, do a headstand with that frown!
Josh Bell – He’s another third baseman that should be playing for his major league team right now. He’s hitting crazy good in the PCL (almost .400, 4 homers in 22 games), but, as we know, hitting in the PCL is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat. For now, Bell’s a solid stash in deep NL-Only leagues.
Yonder Alonso – He’s hitting for average, but he has 1 homer and 1 steal. BWAHAHAHAHA! I mean, c’mon. Move the fences in, Petco overseers! (And the bases to forty feet apart from each other.)
Chris Heisey – Dusty Baker said he likes Heisey to play every day (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds). Heisey could get 20 homers and 10 steals (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds). I’d grab Heisey in all mixed leagues (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds). Can’t we get Dusty a team where he has no options? Could someone tape Ludwick and Bailey’s mouths shut, put them in a gorilla suit and ship them to Africa?
Xavier Avery – SAGNOF for Xavery!
Gregor Blanco – There was a legion of Blanco fans (The Whiteys?) that came out of the woodwork the other day when I didn’t mention he was starting for the Giants. He’s basically a steals guy that might hit a handful of homers, if you had a woodcutting accident and only have 4 fingers.
David Wright – If you look at our BABIP vs. AVG chart, you’ll find Wright, um, right, there towards the top. There was one other year he had an inflated BABIP. The year was 2009. It was during that year we saw MTV announce it would play more music from 3 AM to 4 AM, The Weather Channel began airing weather-related movies leaving the elderly to wonder where the tornado was and why Bill Paxton was reporting weather and, finally, Al Gore invented running water because he got bored of the Internet. Also, that year, David Wright had a BABIP of .394, by far his highest BABIP year, and hit .307. That year he also hit 10 homers. Now, I’m not saying he’s only going to hit 6 more homers this year or that he’s going to hit .307. But he’s most definitely not hitting .400, and 20 homers or 20 steals look around his ceiling. The counting stats will be there, and I don’t think you should trade him for a Fairly OddParents DVD, but his value is high, and may not get higher.