Greetings fellow fantasy geeks! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, here yet again to service you in ways you once thought irrealizable. I’m merely perpetuating my own genius by coming week after week with top quality, grade-A knowledge. I got’s to drop it on ya’ll, for not tot would be a terrible waste as it would die like a fart in the wind. At long last I’ve reawakened from my Vegas slumber as the elder gods were terribly unkind to me this trip. Of course, that is if you call doing mass quantities of snow with with a pack of bodacious strippers until the birds started chirping unkind. Beyond a doubt the sort of excursion that would make even the great Charlie Sheen jealous. Now let us get to the point of this post. I’m not here to write to you of perfectly formed beauties riding me like a rodeo (or am I), nor am I here to glorify hard core drug usage. What I’ve come here to do today, is talk about Alex Rodriguez, for I am seemingly his last remaining fan on earth.
Maybe I, the fabulous Mr. Beddict, misspoke, for I’ve never been the hugest fan of this half centaur/half man but I’m pretty damned fascinated by him. 211 games is unfair and I commend Mr. Rod for fighting Fidel Castro aka Bud Selig on this. Put your hatred for Pay-Rod at bay for a moment: Now wouldn’t it at least be a compelling story if he came back and raked and led the Yankees to the playoffs, or even better, the World Series?! Let me tell you a bit of what I’ve seen thus far from the man I once thought blessed by the gods themselves. This stunning creature has the most enchanting swing I’ve ever witnessed, gracefully rotating those buttermilk-smooth thighs to crush balls in a way I’ve only seen Oprah handle her boy-toy, Stedman Winfrey. Add in the fact that Rod has an ass like a ten year old boy, and you have the gods’ finest creation. A very large, dead-lifting, highly developed, PED enhanced 10-year-old boy, but a 10-year-old boy nonetheless. The sweet stroke is still there ladies and gentlemen, and I, Tehol, picked him up immediately and plan on starting him daily from here on out. Hitting in the middle of a lineup that now holds Soriano, Cano, Gardner, and Granderson should mean plenty of opportunities to drive in and score runs. A-God has hit safely in every game thus far and is drawing walks left and right. The run production is bound to happen, TRUST ME! I can tell you one thing, the guy still looks like a 25-year-old out there. If I had found biogenesis before it closed down, I’d be an A-list movie star and not stripping on weekends for beer money. I’ll tell you who else could have used it: This chick. YIKES! That brings me to yet another point: it’s a shame what happens to womens’ legs as they age. I was at a restaurant yesterday and almost regurgitated my crabcakes with all the flabbiness, cottage cheese, and veins I witnessed on that hot summer day. This is why wives get traded in folks. Don’t let it happen to you ladies. Seek “health” clinics before it’s too late. What you need to do now is pick up A-Rod, and stand with me in awe of this phenomenally proportioned demigod, as he faces more boos and hatred than any man since the great Jackie Robinson. Wait, did I just compare A-fraud to Jackie Rob???? Let’s move on to what else I saw in the last week.
Troy Tulowitzki – Boy-Toy Troy has seen his average drop like Lindsay Lohan after a 6 day meth binge (I can’t be the only one who aroused by that video). I for one, am appalled. With Car-Go out indefinitely, their is no reason for the opposition to give him anything decent to hit. I’d be more concerned if I expected the Rockies to actually be in very many games for the rest of the season, meaning the opposition will be ahead by so many runs they won’t be concerned with a Tulo solo dong every now and again. Truly a pathetic excuse for a team.
Justin Upton – If one were to place hands on Upton right now, he/she would be burnt, for the man is scorching hot. Sure he may have cost you your season already, but if you’re still in it there ain’t no limit to this shizz like my boy the Colonel Master P say. Was that one of the top 10 greatest music videos ever made? Yep, it was.
Lorenzo Cain – Cain is showing a spark. Enough for me to respect him as a fantasy option or as a man for that matter? Getting there, but No.
Shelby Miller – Poor Shelbs was blasted in the elbow by seldom heard from Carl Crawford Wednesday night, but it seems serious injury was avoided. That’s too bad, cuz I immediately swooped up Wacha and Martinez and separate leagues. Woe is me.
Jayson Werth – I thought that was the African American spelling for Jason? I mean, the guy has played like a goofy, overpaid white guy for the past couple seasons but now he’s fully embracing his blackness. I, for one, applaud him. Werth bobs up and down like Tera Patrick used to with her disgusting ex-husband, Evan Seinfeld, but he sure is hot right now. Ride the wave.
Wil Myers – I compared him to Bryce Harper either last week or the week before (I don’t recall). Do you still doubt me? If so, you should be ashamed of yourself. Kind of like Christian Slater should be ashamed for taking a gift role from Sly Stallone to be in the absolute dud, Bullet to the Head. Slater’s part was so inconsequential that it’s possible he may have blown Rocky himself for that role. What we have here folks, is one of the biggest falloffs in Hollywood history. How can you go from an absolute time-defining classic like Hard Rain, TO THIS. After watching that interview I think it’s pretty obvious Slater slurped Rambo for his few minutes of screen time. What a loser. If you’re reading this Christian, you’re welcome on the podcast anytime.
Carl Crawford – I just looked up “Hot Carl’s” contract and beat my chicken in a blacked out rage. I’m kidding of course. I would never hit an animal, but I would hit Carl square in the face for all the pain and suffering he’s laid upon his fantasy owners for the past few years. The ingloriousness of Carl Crawford is almost unmatched throughout this world’s existence.
Hanley Ramirez – Oh hey, what do you know? Hanley hurt himself again………F*#K!!!!! This past injury was the lamest of all. He’s supposedly going to be returning to the Dodgers lineup within the next week. Sounds like a power-sapping injury if you ask me. Should we have sold high like my liege lord Grey aka GreyMane told us too? Possibly, but I’m not giving up hope yet.
Danny Duffy – I like this guy. Call me crazy, but I do. Let’s see if he gets another start.
Vernon Wells – Just seeing if you were paying attention. Wells is atrocious and a disgrace to his family.
Derek Jeter – The most overrated player in MLB history and positively most overrated in fantasy, Derek Jeter, has hit the disabled list. That contract could possibly be worse than A-Rod’s, especially when you factor in the Yanks won’t have to compensate Rod next season. Still the guy gives out gift baskets and gets more ass than a honey bucket, so I give him mad props. Salute.
Danny Farquhar – Lord Farquaad is this week’s most sultry add, and for good reason. His k-rate is sky high and I blame the high ERA on mucho garbage time. Our lord is 3/3 in save chances and is hot to trot. Whatever that means.
Danny Salazar – Thanks to the ineptitude of Trevor Bauer and an injury to Kluber, Salazar has blessed us mortals with his Kallor like ferocity and is a must add in all formats. He was laying men down like Mike Tyson at a KKK rally, and with the right matchups, he could be deadly. Buy, buy, BUY!
Domonic Brown – I knew “Sir Domonic” AKA the Suzerain of Night, was back when over the past couple days he hit a couple sac flies and a solo shot, and you know, failed to produce with the bases loaded for about the 89th time this season. I’m not one to complain, but COME ON! Still, it’s nice to have you back, bud.
Bartolo Colon – Thank Krull, for this fat slob was finally tagged up. I truly couldn’t take it anymore. I was about to explode. Kind of like this fat phuck looks like he’s going to explode. Maybe he will.
Eric Young Jr. – Another guy with an ass like a 10 -year-old boy. Ok, this is getting weird. Young’s a good player and should be owned in all formats.
Well wasn’t that fun guys? What’s that? You despise me, my chicken, my writing, and everything I represent? I honestly can’t blame you, but for those of you that are with me I want to share my deepest gratitude. You are what keeps me up till 4 in the morning every Thursday night and I look forward to some of you joining me in the football section next month. Did you forget that I, Tehol Beddict, was Razzball’s resident football Champion? Blasphemy!!! Never forget. I want to give a shout out to the thousands of you who joined me on reddit.com on Tuesday and force fed me fantasy questions till I felt like the biggest nerd on earth. It felt good ya’ll, it felt good. Maybe we can discuss Malazan: Book of the Fallen next time as well to take our nerd-dom to the umpteenth power. As per usual, your questions and comments will be responded to with reckless abandon. I’ll be fishing in Canada this weekend but have internet since a sponsor of mine is taking me to a resort owned by the Nordstrom family. When I say sponsor, I mean she’s hired me as an escort. Maybe I should swing by and say howdy to podcast host, Nick Capozzi, while I’m up in Canada, eh? Yeah, I don’t think so. Follow me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47 to follow my thoughts on all sports and life in general. Peace Out.