As Alex Rodriguez rehabs down in Miami, the heat (oofa!) is on his gambling habits. “According to the baseball executive, MLB has yet to positively determine that Rodriguez took part in the (poker) games, which reportedly included actors Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, John Malkovich and that guy in that movie starring that other guy.” Poker is a game played by men or women who will beat your ass, so you know A-Rod is only getting invited to these games because he’s probably the world’s worst poker player. A-Rod’s favorite hand? Jacks over Queens. If A-Rod wants to avoid a suspension, he better take a long hard look in the mirror. A-Rod, “I’m talking to the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to make love to me.” Man, A-Rod is so lame I almost feel bad making fun of him. Then I think about his two trillion dollar contract and I wanna punch myself in the face. Maybe this is how A-Rod hurt himself. Favorite part, “This is no bluff.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Scott Rolen – Out for 4-6 weeks. Or as they call it in the Rolen household, “Just another day not at the park.”
Yonder Alonso – Taking grounders at 3rd. “Hey, this is Dusty Baker’s voicemail. Sorry I couldn’t get your call but I was making out the lineup card without Yonder Alonso in it.”
Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. Some of you might remember this, but I had this hypothesis that Dontrelle was a herbathrowdite — you know a hitter trapped in a pitcher’s body — and when he was in the AL he never felt comfortable because he couldn’t hit. Yesterday, he hit a homer and has a 3.41 ERA so far. It’s a theory worth noting, not a reason to pick him up.
Casey McGehee – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 3 homers. Did they throw out green top hats after he hit the 3rd?
Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks. After the game, Wolf announced he was Team Jacob. So predictable.
Corey Hart – 2-for-5 with the slam and legs. With a little ingenuity and three point font, I squeezed Hart into my top 100 for the 2nd half. Well, whoop dee doo, Grey! Okay, Random Italicized Voice, but he is hitting over .400 in the last week with two homers and a steal. Well, la di da!
Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 8 ER, 15 baserunners, 6 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post then cat o’ nine tailed them to death with earned runs. When one player hits a homer off you, pitch around him next time. When one player hits two homers off you, hit him in the square of the back next time. If he jumps a jack, then you make him wail. Listen to Brian Seltzer, or whatever his name is, he has all the answers!
Charlie Furbush – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks. Impressive first start against Billy Beane’s A’s. If the A’s were any more impotent against Furbush, you’d think Billy Bean was the GM.
Gio Gonzalez – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Now has given up 16 runs in the last 16 1/3 innings. Um, not so good. He gets the Jays next time out. That’s not so good either. Two negatives aren’t making a positive here either.
Josh Wilingham – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer as he hits over .320 in the last week with 3 homers. It’s against my better judgment to recommend an A’s hitter, but The Other White Meat has been hitting.
Ryan Vogelsong – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. After a couple of just mediocre starts, guess he got his swagger back. Truth.
Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. Wednesday is Delmon’s thump day. I’d say he hasn’t done much this year, but he really hasn’t done much in his career. He had an okay 2nd half last year, so if you’re juggling 5th outfielders like a drunk clown, give him a shot.
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s playing every day now that the Astros are Pence-less. In Double-A, he had 13 homers and a .338 average in 88 games. He looks like a lock to hit for a good average (~.290) in the majors, but the homers may top out at 20. He has little to no speed. Stephen also gave him some love recently. He wrote it while popping a bubble.
Billy Butler – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer. You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him, which is the motto for his line of manssieres.
Gavin Floyd – 2 1/3 IP, 10 ER. Say uncle, Floyd.
Jason Marquis – **Writing this before the game** 5 IP, 4 ER. **Back after the game** Okay, turned out I was a little too optimistic with the Marquis de Shat as he went 4 IP, 7 ER.
Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-4 with his 2nd steal in as many games. I feel like a beat dog when I look at EY Jr. because of how many times I’ve been excited by him only to watch him disappoint. He’s now started every day for a week and has 4 steals. He’s capable of 15 steals in a month. For what it’s Wuertz, I grabbed him in every league where he was available. May you stay, Eric Young.
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-3, 3 runs and a steal. You know the drill. It’s SAGNOF, all day and night.
Chien-Ming Wang – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks. If you feel the need to grab Wang after this start, you might have some Freudian thing going on.
Jayson Werth – 1-for-4 with a homer. Has now hit in every game in the last week with two homers and two steals. When the guaranteed contract is in the bag and nothing is on the line, Werth is your man!
Jason Heyward – Sat again for Jose Constanza. Who put Jason Heyward in the doghouse? Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
Jason Kipnis – Sticking with the Jason theme, Kipnis now has 4 straight games with a homer. If you want, leave your password in the comments. I’ll take it from there.
Matt Stairs – In honor of his retirement, we go to a Razzball greatest hit from two years ago, “Bud Black said Stairs isn’t ready to return from the DL because “he hasn’t been able to run with intensity.” Stairs can drink a beer with intensity. He can grow a mustache with intensity. He can probably take a crap with intensity. If you’re waiting for Stairs to run with intensity, my guess is it will be a long wait.” Fairly well, Stairs.
Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, but got the no decision when the Pirates couldn’t score a run. But what about Ryan Ludwick?!
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 17th homer and is now batting .293. Seriously, take a moment and think about how you couldn’t keep Napoli on your team and then look again at a .293 average with 17 homers. Who’s the schmohawk in this scenario? It’s not me. It’s definitely not Mike Napoli. Go put your face up to the mirror like A-Rod.
Alex Avila – 2-for-3 with a homer. He was mentioned somewhere… Oh, yeah! Here. Yesterday. (Yeah, I busted out the one word douchey sentences.) Now use your finger and scroll down.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks. I had a total brain fart when I saw his record was 4-12 with a 3.29 ERA and I saw he was pitching for the Tigers. I was like, “How on earth is his record so bad– Oh, that’s right, he was on the M’s.” Fister, you make me punchy.
James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. In his postgame interview, he said he couldn’t do it without Desmond Jennings. Or he should’ve said that. Tomato, tomahto.
J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 18th homer yesterday to go along with his .220 average. Napoli’s hitting .293.
Brad Lidge – Got the save because Madson’s wife is having a baby. I bet it’s Paul Giamatti’s baby.