The Yankees’ extra-bat-off-the-bench in the playoffs, Alex Rodriguez, will be out for six months, following surgery on his hip that is set to take place in January. Guess A-Rod doesn’t want to be out of service for the holiday season. “Hey, I got a date with this smoking hot, butchy female and she wants me to dress up as Santa and sit on my lap. Can we do this whole hip-ma-whosie Jan one?” That’s A-Rod talking to his doctors. Yes, A-Rod says Jan instead of January. BTW, I Googled A-Rod surgery and the first article was at Latino dot Fox. A-Rod is as Latino as Taco Bell. On the fo’ really tip, why can’t he go into surgery right now? He’s getting paid approximately four hundred million this year and he wants to delay surgery so he misses an extra month of the season? The $17 million that went to Russell Martin just shook its head, incredulous. If there’s a legitimate reason for the delay that I didn’t read about, there’s no legitimate reason, so don’t bother telling me about it. Maybe if Pasta Diving Cap’n Jetes would get hip surgery in December than A-Rod would, as well. Well, even before Rodriguez came down with the appropriate hip problem, he shouldn’t have been drafted. He’s actually done us all a favor. Now he’s pushed himself so far down draft boards that you won’t even have to think about it in, say, the 12th round. For 2013, I’ll put his line at 40/13/44/.263/6 in 300 ABs. He’s firmly in the “Do Not Touch” section of your draft board. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:
Mike Napoli – Signed with the Red Sox. Anyone besides me get the feeling that the Red Sox are right back on their terrible pre-Epstein road? Is this a good real baseball move? A 31-year-old ex-catcher (he’ll play 1st for the Sawx) that has only played 140 games once in a season and has had only one legitimately solid season that was buoyed by a .344 BABIP. Eh, whatever, I guess. For fantasy, this is a solid move for his value. A guy with catcher eligibility playing 1st always gets a boost. Fenway won’t hurt. Or hoit, if anyone is reading in a Curly Howard voice. He’s still not going to hit better than .255 without a lot of luck. For 2013, I’ll give him the line of 71/26/84/.242/2. Definitely should be back on radars.
Grady Sizemore – Had another microfracture surgery done. The bad news is his knee hasn’t been right in three years. The good news, all of these microfracture surgeries are keeping doctors with small hands in business.
James Loney – The Rays new first baseman has a first name, it’s J-A-M-E-S. The Rays first baseman has a 2nd name… Well, you can spell. There’s only one man that could fill a void left by Casey Kotchman and Jeff Keppinger. And that man is, hmm, I don’t know, maybe Todd Helton. Then Todd Helton teaches someone to be exactly 75% the player he is and you have James Loney. In the last three years, Loney has hit around .220 vs. lefties with four homers in 395 ABs. How many of you can say, “Needs a platoon partner?” If you can’t say it, you might need a speech therapist.
Geovany Soto – Re-signed with the Rangers. The catching market this offseason is about as exciting as watching a Casey Affleck starring vehicle. People are actually interested in A.J. Pierzynski, if you catch my drift.
Kyuji Fujikawa – The 32-year-old has blown through Japanese hitters for the last 12 seasons with a 1.77 ERA and a near-12 K-rate. There’s a chance Epstein finally convinces someone to take Marmol off his hands and Fujikawa becomes the closer. Worst case scenario, other Cubs middle relievers can say the Japanese reliever’s first name twice and shake their bosoms like Charo.
Joakim Soria – Signed with the Rangers to be Joe Nathan’s set-up man when he returns from his 2nd Tommy John surgery. Joakim-ill should be less ill by late-June.
Jason Marquis – Padres resigned him. Oops, I mean, re-signed. No, I meant resigned. In fact, the whole team has been resigned for years.
Angel Pagan – The Giants re-signed Pagan for four years. Sabean hopes by the end of the deal, when Pagan is 35 years old, he finally matures into the kind of player that needs a tennis ball stuck to the end of his bat and uses it to prop himself up. For now, Pagan will continue to look like Feign Victorino with his almost ten homer power, 30-ish steal speed and .270-ish average. Now the Giants need to sign Jon Rauch, bleach him white and have him tattoo to his neck a picture of Angel Pagan on a crucifix. What, Dan Brown’s the one with the weird Vatican and albino fetish. I’m just taking it to its nature conclusion.