Sometimes when a player gets hurt, I feel bad if I told you to buy into them. I’m like, “Shove your emotions into your cankles, you sissy!” Alas, my inner Native American watching someone litter in a 70’s commercial comes out. A tear forms in my eye and rolls into my mustache. Then I leave it there to remind me of my fallen fantasy baseball comrades. This mustache holds a lot of tears. But when a player that I warned you against like Aaron Hill heads off to the DL with tightness in his hamstring, I do a little dance like MC Skat Cat. You know the kid in high school that wore a helmet all day that you used to make fun of? Okay, now remember when you were alone in the hallway and that same kid walk passed you and you said hello to him because no one else was around? Today, that kid is Aaron Hill’s owners. Save your ridicule until their back is turned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jimmy Rollins – Having an MRI on his right calf strain. Mr. Obvious phoned into Razzball HQ yesterday and said, “This is not great news for Rollins owners. Hope for the best when the test comes back tomorrow. Remember testing negative is a positive.” Thanks, Mr. Obvious!
Jayson Werth – Left the game with hip soreness. After the game, he said he’ll be fine. He obviously just wanted to scare his fantasy owners.
Placido Polanco – 2-for-4, batting .484 so far. That’s Polanculous!
Cole Hamels – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks, only one walk. Okay, I’m a Hamels apologist, but he didn’t really pitch that bad. Marquis hit a cheap grounder that scored two runs and Hamels’s control looked fine. As they say in the porn industry, you can’t help it if balls find holes. Would I have liked a shutout? Yeah, well, dur.
Brian Roberts – Heads to the DL. His abdominal muscle injury appears to have hurt his back too. Like Chipper, he too is currently an injury domino. This isn’t a great place to be if you own him. You really should wait for any good news before selling him. For instance, the day before a player returns there will be a news report something like, “Roberts feels great, set to return.” He’ll probably return and get hurt again. But your opponents don’t need to know that. Take that “feels great” news and turn it into something.
Justin Duchscherer – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. Was glad I hung onto him in one league, wish I would’ve held onto him in two leagues. Damn you, Mike Gonzalez, making me back you up!
Luke Hochevar – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 Ks. It’s true, I like to be able to pronounce a guy’s name when I own them. Nevertheless! That’s not why I’m ignoring Hochevar… Though I’m not exactly ignoring him when I’m talking about him… Nevertheless II! He was hit pretty hard yesterday and had some luck to come out the game with a win.
Scott Podsednik – 4-for-5, 5th steal yesterday. SAGNOF! (Yes, two days in a row, but some people need shizz drill into their heads.)
Jose Guillen – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs, HR yesterday. Now has three homers in two days. You pick up players when they’re hot, you drop them when they’re not. Took Matthew Berry a whole semester at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston to say that, but the gist remains. (Oh, and loved loved loved what Merchant Ivory did with “The Gist Remains.” Much better than “New Delhi On Wry” in my opinion.)
Brandon Inge – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Hitting .345 through the 1st week. Last year, he hit 7 homers in April with a .319 average. Rudy dropped Sean-Rod for Inge in one of our leagues. I didn’t object.
Ryan Raburn – Did nothing yesterday, but he did play 2nd base. Probably was just a day off for Sizemore, but it’s not like he’s done anything. Then again, Raburn hasn’t done anything either. But if Raburn can get 400 ABs, he can hit 20 HRs.
Josh Willingham – Another homer yesterday. The other white meat!
Julio Borbon – 0-for-4, now batting .040. I have him in a league and I agree with George Thorogood. One Borbon, one Scotch, and one beer.
Vladimir Guerrero – Bats over .450 on the year as he stole a base yesterday. When Vlad has a tell-all autobiography ghostwritten one day, there will be a whole chapter about how he snuck a motorized scooter onto the field to steal a base.
Nelson Cruz – Hit his fifth homer yesterday. I wish Hamilton was smoking whatever Cruz is.
Chris Perez – Came into the game, didn’t record an out and loaded the bases. You think he’d have the decency to at least try and scuff the balls with his stupid frickin’ mullet! Jensen Lewis would be the next guy in line for saves. Member when Lawrence Taylor said his life is in the toilet and no one is flushing? That’s how my teams have been with closers. So, for full disclosure, I did not grab Jensen Lewis in any leagues.
Fausto Carmona – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners with 4 walks and 4 Ks. It may seem like I’m stubbornly refusing to believe in this guy, but that’s really not that good of a line.
Frank Francisco – 1 IP, no baserunners, but his 1-2-3 inning wasn’t pretty. Balls were hit hard. Andrus had to make a diving stop. On the other hand — the 100 MPH hand…
Andruw Jones – Look at everyone’s surefire Hall of Famer circa 2006 hitting 2 HRs yesterday. His play is too sporadic to have fantasy value right now outside of AL-Only leagues, but if he gets outfield eligibility then he’ll be someone to look at.
Jason Frasor – Blew the save yesterday. I’d grab Gregg where you have room, but I do think it’s still safely Frasor’s job. Of course that could change quickly.
Vernon Wells – Hit his fifth homer yesterday. You can’t spell Wells without sell… Or swell, but ignore that.
Wandy Rodriguez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners. Obviously wasn’t a good start, but there were only 2 walks. Yes, that’s me trying to find the positive where there wasn’t much of one. He gets the Cubs next, a team he dominated last year. Hopefully he can right the Wandwagon.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4 yesterday. People are asking me in the comments if they should pick up Bruce because someone in their league dropped him. The universal answer is yes and set a reminder for May 15th to mock your leaguemates.
Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 4 ER, 2 Ks. From what I saw, he was doing a good job getting ahead of the hitters, not as good a job putting them away. He gets the Pirates next. If that’s not a cakewalk, we may need to reevaluate.
Scott Rolen – 3-for-5, 2 HRs. 2002 called, it wants its home runs back.
Bengie Molina – 4-for-4, HR and 4 RBIs yesterday. Was Monday Old Timer’s Day?
Derrek Lee – Lee left the game with an inflamed thumb. X-rays came back negative. He’s listed as day-to-day. In other words, D. Lee is trying to avoid the DL.
Xavier Nady – HR yesterday as he replaced Lee. Worth grabbing in NL-Only leagues in case Lee can’t return immediately.
Carl Pavano – 6 IP, 1 ER. Extremely solid control and it looks like his taxi cab years in New York are well in his rear view mirror. I’d take a chance on him if you need a solid #4 fantasy starter. Plus, Target Field looks like a pitchers’ park and a great place to get women’s dress slacks.
Reid Brignac – 2-for-4, HR yesterday. As I said in the comments yesterday, “Sean-Rod and Brignac will share time at 2nd until one can breakout, if one can breakout.” And that’s me quoting me! Though Brignac is definitely looking like the one that could breakout. Right now, neither have much value outside of AL-Only leagues if they’re platooning.
Chase Headley – 2-for-4, batting .448 on the year. If you’re not owning him at this point, it’s your own fault.
Will Venable – 3-for-5, HR yesterday. He’s okay in NL-Only leagues or if you can platoon him, but he doesn’t have an every day job.
Jair Jurrjens – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER. The positive coming out of this start was Rudy and I came up with a new glossary term. Smugshot: the grinning picture posted on a baseball site that drives you nuts when the player’s underperforming. “Why the f*** are you grinning like that Jurrjens – you just gave up an 8 spot to the Padres! The real crime isn’t that you’re killing my team, it’s that your damn smugshot rubs it in my face.”
David Ortiz – Big Floppy lashed out at reporters saying he’s not playing with a wrist injury. “I used to take steroids and no longer do. I’m a Latin 34, which makes me around 38 years old. I don’t even know my real age! Also, do I look like I’m in good shape? Rhetoríco! I’m just not a good hitter anymore. Leave it at that.” That was me paraphrasing. But it went sorta like that.