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Tommy Milone

I’m here with Giancarlo Stanton in the hospital. No, I’m not here to direct Giancarlo to put the hospital gown on backwards. That was a happy accident. I’m also not here to try to convince new parents in the maternity ward to name their daughters, Giancarla or Ginacarlo or Ginacarla. The flowers everyone sent were beautiful, by the way. Every time he falls asleep I sprinkle flower petals on him like he’s Mena Suvari in American Beauty. Whoever sent the balloon, “Get Well Soon, My Fantasy Team Needs You,” you should be ashamed. Can you not think of anyone else? At least think of me! On the fo’serious for a full second, in 2013, when Showtime aired the inspiration for True Detective that was trying to solve the mystery on whether or not anyone in the Marlins front office knew anything about baseball, Giancarlo was out for a knee operation. Then last year, Mike Fiers did what many of us dream of, but only a few of us can visualize in its fullest, put a ball on Giancarlo’s face. Now, he’s out for four to six weeks with a broken hamate bone. I don’t doubt mi novio can hit 50 homers one year, but he kinda needs to stay on the field to do it. Hopefully, one of these years we see it. I have to go now, he’s waking and likes his Jell-O at room temperature, so I have to remove the cold Jell-o from my rectum and hope it’s warmed. Coming, Giancarlo! Literally! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Maikellebrew strikes again! And again! Two homers last night for Maikel Franco (4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs, hitting .312), his 8th and 9th homers of the season in only his 36th game played. That prorates to, like, 189 homers in a season. (Don’t do the math.) Perhaps I’m drenched in jade, the mother jewel of sarcasm. Perhaps my cup runneth over with Blasé like a bored rapper. Perhaps I’m all cosmopolitan and citified and other words Charlie Manuel would call me, but why do I get the feeling Maikel is going to have a great rookie year than disappoint for the next three years? Has Bruce, Heyward, Machado and so many others taken away my innocence? Is that a Black Flag bumper sticker on a Cadillac? Don’t look back, I can never look back. I sure hope I’m wrong, but with each homer by Maikel, his hype grows and he moves further away from my clutches. But, if we are to entertain the insane for a moment, he’s only 22 years old. What does his future hold? Does only the papier-mâché head of Michael Jack Schmidt that sits on Prospect Mike desk hold the answers? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Whoa there, friend. Don’t go there. You really, REALLY read that title wrong. This isn’t Brazzersball, this is Razzball so you keep your dirty thoughts to yourself…or share them in the comments! There’s no double entendre going on here. I’m suggesting nothing lewd when I suggest you play Hector Santiago. Or maybe I am? It does seem a bit crude of me to suggest someone who’s been playing above his peripherals all year. That 2.71 ERA and that 4.51 xFIP will surely meet and become one in the future, especially when you consider his low ground ball rates and his mediocre K:BB ratio. He’s a bit of a mirage but when you’re in the desert, I’ll take a pretend oasis over staring at the arid vastness. We have a seven game slate tonight so stumping for upside outside of the major names can be tough. And hell, what am I even saying? He’s SP6 in terms of price on the day at $7,200. That said, the Astros…well maybe you’ve heard this before but they strike out a lot. Their lineup is basically 9 Adam Dunns of varying height and girth because they’re all three true outcome types of players. Given that Hector gets to pitch in a relatively friendly pitchers’ park and that he’s at home, I’m willing to make him my SP2 today in cash games and possibly my SP1 in tourneys. Mmm, that sweet, sweet Hector…ahem, I mean Nectar. I think? But enough about my my confusion over sweet, sugary liquids, let’s move on. Here’s my emoji fire takes on today’s DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Some call them cookie dusters, others dirt squirrels, lip luggage, snot mops, and upper lipholstery. I believe our Boss/fearless leader/fantasy master lothario calls his “old bullet proof”, but I’m not sure. I’m of course talking about those lip rugs knows as mustaches. Our sport of baseball more so than any other contest of athletic prowess has embraced the flavor savor. Over the years there have been some top choice lip rugs in the American past time. So this week’s theme is Baseball Mustaches. Seriously narrowing hardball’s best mustaches down to just six was damn near impossible. I tried anyway and I’m sure all of you will call me thick as brick for not including the handlebars you’d most like to ride. But that’s why we have comments, so you can belittle and abuse me for my lapses in judgement, poorly formed opinions, and general lack of research when it comes to the pitchers being skipped two days after this article posts. I mean in some circles I am known as the Oracle and my propensity for knowing the future is rather well documented. Still I’m at least 37% human, so cut me some slack.  Week 12’s roster of two start pitchers is top heavy and flat bottomed, it’s like the Kate Upton of two start pitching weeks. You know because she’s big…..wait I’m not going to bother explaining this.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, the Cubs scored seventeen runs, so enough jibber-jabbering, let’s get to it! Starting this whole she bangs, she bangs, Oliver’s got bangs in the 2nd inning, Addison Russell (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 5th homer as he continues to hit ninth. Joe Maddoning says he’s hitting Addison ninth to take pressure off him. McNulty would call that bunk. (By the by, tell me this doesn’t look like McNulty.) Isn’t there pressure just being in the major leagues? Did Addison not see how the Cubs pushed aside Javier Baez and Arismendy from year to year? Bunk! Chris Coghlan (2-for-3, 3 runs, hitting .251) needs to hit fifth? David Ross (1-for-5, 1 run) in any lineup should be hitting ninth. There’s absolutely no reason Russell should be that low. Move him up! Then Kyle Schwarber went 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs in his first major leagues start, and became only the third Cub in their history to have four hits in his first major league start. The other two were two guys you never heard of, which makes this record depressing. Thanks, Elias Sports Bureau! Oh, and there’s no pressure on Schwarber as he hits sixth? Okay, I’ll let it go. I pray to the deity of your choice that Schwarber gets four hits in every game until Sunday, Miguel Montero stays injured and Epstein says, “Okay, Schwarber schways. He schways! Stays, sorry, it’s hard to say anything normal after Schwarber.” Then (Yes, it keeps going!) Chris Denorfia went 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .396. Put the microwave on defrost and stick in Ted Williams’s head! Never to be outdone (or overdue, as the case might be), Anthony Rizzo went 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Finally (I’m exhausted!), Kris Bryant (2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer) as he grand salami’d in the ninth. You at a 2016 fantasy draft, “I need a Bryant.” *Smash* As a pie gets thrown in your face. Five over-the-internet dollars to be paid out in fake installments, if you get that reference. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It can be easy to watch home run hitters and otherwise high scoring bats get above 5K and then say, no way, that’s too high to roster that guy! But if the conditions are right, and these epically awesome, and otherwise game-changing hitters can be rostered easily after you’ve applied all the other goodness and value plays, then you should absolutely do it, even if you’re slightly “downgrading” another position.

Experts all the time find their values so they can take advantage of situations like rostering Stanton against a LHP or Harper against a homer prone RHP, as he was Tuesday against Alex Colome.

Limiting yourself mentally to excluding these players, regardless of situation, will leave you out of the money in a lot of tournaments. Bryce Harper is absolutely the mashiest lefty bat going right now and is posting obscene numbers against RHP (1.247 OPS, .432 ISO, .511 wOBA, 230 RC+), so why wouldn’t you want to make room? Cost is relative and if you have the right value, then it’s worth rostering a little lower somewhere else so you can fit someone like Harp in.

Tonight, Harper faces Matt Andriese at home in Washington, where Harper’s numbers against righties….actually tick up another notch (1.339 OPS, .515 ISO, .541 wOBA, 251 RC+). Sluggers and Sluggers…it’s the new Vote Early, Vote Often!

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I loved when Junior Lake homered the other day and, as he rounded first base, he held his finger to his lips, shushing the Marlins dugout, as if he was some kind of maniacal librarian. The only disappointing thing from this whole encounter is no one wrote an article titled, “Junior Mince Words.” It’s that kinda of braggadocio, WWE-type attitude that makes Grey’s man muscles tingly. Baseball needs to shed its 1920s demeanor and get rowdy-bawdy. If rowdy-bawdy means acting a fool, what the eff, go for it! The game is losing fans and fans want crazy/stupid/cool. Even in the conservative Japan, baseball players flip their bats like they’re cutting up an imaginary origami crane. I say everyone needs to come up with their own home run trot and pitchers need to blow on their gun finger after a K. As for Junior Lake, I’m a big fan outside of the theatrics. He’s a 12-homer, 15-steal guy that should play most days until Soler returns. I’ve added him everywhere I could. After I added him, I shushed my hand on my mouse. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Thank you, Jesus Guzman! Or Jesus Alou or Jesus Colome or David DeJesus or whatever baseball Jesus you pray to! Anthony Rendon was activated! “Hello, God, it’s me Grey. I have no more requests…Well, maybe one more. Could you allow Rendon to hit? Okay, you being such a literal God will prolly take that to mean, he’ll get at-bats and ground out. I mean, can you allow him to hit for a high average, some power, some speed and just be better than Logan Forsythe? I’ll take my answer off the air.” Honestly, I have no idea what to expect from Rendon. Some players — Josh Hamilton comes to mind — get countless injury updates from the media no matter how small the news. I feel like with Rendon it’s been radio silence since he was DL’d. Every few weeks there would be a ‘playing in rehab games’ update, but very little else. So, the realistic side of me wants to think he’s going to struggle like it’s spring training for him. The fanboy side of me thinks he’s gonna hit a zillion homers and steal a trillion bases and make everything right. Likely, he’ll be about as good as Yunel, but, due to his name recognition, will soothe my middle infidel nerves for a few weeks. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4 and, well, he’s back, and that’s all that matters. Thank you, Jesus Montero! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings one and all…oh who am I kidding. Greetings the one that is all. Thanks for reading! So, in full truthiness, I went and googled ‘Full Nelson’. I always gotta check myself before I wreck myself. I had always heard the term with regards to wrestling. Well, not real wrestling. The kind where the big steroid guys shouted the loud, funny words before taking a chair up the backside of their head from Captain Lou Albano. Seriously, that shizz was like stage ballet for meatheads. But back to the point, I found out it does pertain to wrestling (score one for my tattered mind) but also no one knows where the term actually comes from. Meanwhile, the pitcher I’m spotlighting today seems to have come from obscurity as well…hrm, I guess I should’ve just queued the awkward segue because that was, uh, awkward. Neverthewho, Jimmy Nelson wasn’t extremely high on many radars coming into the year. Oh sure, known entity deep sleeper type stuff but everyone said the same thing about him: He can’t get out lefties. So far, that adage has not held true as he’s held them to a .205 wOBA on the year to go with a .195 against righties. Now all the numbers say an adjustment is due as his ERA is a full 2 runs below his xFIP but how many pitchers are really 1.35 ERA pitchers? And that adjustment doesn’t have to all happen in one start, especially against a Reds team that is near the bottom in wRC+ so far this year. In short, he’s pitching like a pitcher who can pitch well and that’s all we need in this crazy little game of ours. At $6,900, he makes it easy to get in a quality high priced arm without skimping the hitting budget. So break out your Hulkamaniac shirt and bring your opponents to the matt with this Nelson. But enough about wrestling, it’s time for my hot takes on the DK Monday afternoon slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In a time long ago, when men were men and athletes freely used performance enhancing drugs to little or no consequences, there was a gameshow. A show that celebrated such athletes both male and female, athletes that invested their time, money, and focus into becoming the most gargantuan human beings they could become. On this show they matched average everyday sclubbs against these well built steroid fueled warriors in feats of strength and agility. What is this show pray-tell? Well of course it’s a little show called American Gladiators. Ever heard of it? No young-ins, I’m not talking about that gross bastardization of a program that was on 7-8 years ago, I’m talking the genuine article. The flag waving, patriotic leotard rocking, testosterone train ride, where the women had high hair and the type of muscles that would have you asking them to open the olive jar. The early 90’s were a simpler time friends.

Please, blog, may I have some more?