Jurickson Profar called up to replace The Ian Kinsler DL Experiment. I’ll wait here while you go add Profar in your league. Okay, back? Good! If you’re not back yet, then you’re not reading this, so let me clear the air, I slept with your sister. Baseballstar Profarlactica is the safest bet from catching the prospect hype virus in the known universe. First (after all those other firsts), let’s see what Scott, our prospect writer, wrote, “Profar brings legit 20-20 potential, along with .300+ AVG, and an OBP north of .350. From shortstop, that sort of production would be enormous. Here’s Grey’s Jurickson Profar fantasy. Also check out my Top 25 Prospects for 2013, where Profar came in at #15. I also slept with your sister.” Damn, hope those other people still aren’t back. I’d grab Profar in every league. Yes, even yours. My guess is he will hit. My 2nd guess is C. Always guess C. That advice can get you into an Ivy League school. I didn’t go to one, ergo, henceforth, vis-à-vis, I had to Google whether or not Ivy League was capitalized. If he hits, Profar could be here to stay with the Rangers saying, “Yo, Profar is hitting so let’s keep him and move Kinsler to the outfield. Or just put a “Hockey sucks” t-shirt on Andrus and drop him off in Winnipeg.” If Profar doesn’t hit, he’ll be sent back down and no one will need to go to Winnipeg. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
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First clue I’m human, when I overheard an old woman tell someone she showers while sitting on a stool, I shivered. Second clue, I used to wear Z. Cavariccis. First clue Justin Verlander is human was last night. He had the worst outing of his career with 2 2/3 IP and 8 ER. Verlander looked like Kate Upton, if Kate had Rosie O’Donnell’s head. Sorry, that’s a visual you won’t get out of your head for a long time. It’s like two girls, one shower stool. Can’t you just take a bath? Please tell me this isn’t old age…. Speaking of which (watch how I tie this loosely into fantasy baseball), Verlander is thirty years old and… Still lights out. This was one bad start, don’t panic. C’mere, let me massage your shoulders and… I just pick-pocketed you! You gotta be careful with that. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Because I can’t have anything nice. That is the answer to why David Price left the game injured. For those of you worried about me, I’m gonna be okay. I have the love of a good cougar. Too bad she can’t pitch for my goddamn fantasy team! Why do you laugh at me, Fantasy Baseball Overlord? Fantasy Baseball Overlord, “Because you traded Machado for him and no man’s love will come before myself or Machado.” “I didn’t know. Is this a new fantasy commandment? All I saw was David Price’s K-rate was down last April too and he went on to win the Cy Young?!” “Are you interrogating me? The man who molded Billy Butler’s moobs with my own two hands.” Sorry, have I not serviced you correctly? Would you like a reach around? Do you have to rain frogs down on my team? Hello? Oh, I guess I lost him, stupid iPhone. And I lost David Price too. So, Price left because of triceps tightness. Hopefully after a DL stint, he’ll be back to his old dbnsjicns Oops, will cross my fingers when I’m done with the post. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The other day Don Mattingly said something like this, “When your closer can’t close, but you need games closed and you have a closer in name and a non-closer closer, who’s your closer? The guy who’s closing games? I don’t know. I’m seriously asking. I would think it’s the guy you call closer, but we call Brandon League the closer and he can’t close, so the closer must the guy we don’t call closer but can close games named, Kenley Jansen. Warmer… Warmer… No, now you’re getting colder. Go back the other way.” Kenley Jansen got the save. YAY!…But…BOO!…It was on the tail end of an 8 2/3 IP, 11 Ks, 6 baserunners stunning performance by Clayton Kershaw, so it wasn’t a stereotypical save. I would’ve preferred to see a standard “closer enters to start the 9th inning” save before telling people to drop League. I’d hold both for now, but a new era (not the hats) may be upon us. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Chris Johnson and Justin Upton made a nice Diamondcomeback last night. To welcome them back, everyone in attendance received a visiting team home run ball. Upton and Johnson went a combined 7-for-9, 3 runs, 5 RBIs with two homers as they both came a triple short of the cycle. Their trade to Atlanta for infielder Martin Prado and four prospects was a trade that Kevin Towers said was done because his team needed a facelift. That facelift looks about as good as Bruce Jenner’s, and right now Justin Upton is Ray J having sex with Kris, Kourtney, Khloe and Kim while making some wack-ass rap video about it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Geez, Roy Oswalt has sure come a far way since the whole “I will only sign with one or two teams” stance as he signed with the Rockies. They’re not necessarily a bad team, but what pitcher wants to come out of semi-retirement to pitch in Colorado? It’s like Smokey the Bear coming out of semi-retirement to work at a cigar shop. “Smokey, we really appreciate the job you’re doing, but could you stop throwing buckets of water on our customers?” That’s Smokey’s boss at the cigar shop. Better yet, a pitcher coming out of semi-retirement to pitch for the Rockies is like I.M. Pei coming out of retirement to work at Home Depot. Roy Rockie Oswalt must’ve really got sick of driving his kids to school and needed something to do. Oswalt is going to assassinate his career ERA. Maybe Oswalt plans to drive his tractor to Colorado and haul dirt until Coors is at sea level. When your third best starter is a toss-up between Tyler Chatwood and Jeff Francis, you’re pretty much guaranteed a starting job, so Oswalt should be with the major league club shortly, but you shouldn’t care. I liked El Roy with the Astros, but it’s all rut-roh in Colorado. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
First off, Rudy is safe. We have him in a padded room with only marshmallows to eat. He’s a bit overcome by the absence of color, but it will be a good distraction while Bryce Harper is touch and go. Before we put Rudy where he wouldn’t hurt himself, Rudy said to me, “If Bryce Harper is hurt, will they cancel the rest of the season?” That’s a frown question, bro. Lie down, Rudy. It’ll be okay. Actually, could you lie down with your head hanging off the couch? You’re gonna leave a Soul Glo stain. I’m sure Rudy isn’t the only one feeling a bit woozy hearing Harper hurt himself last night. The entire eye black industry hangs in the balance. He left yesterday’s game with an apparent injury and that turned into an apparent diagnosis of an apparent bad bruise in his apparent side. Thanks for the apparency. This sounds like a day-to-day thing rather than a 15-day DL thing. So the worst thing that may come of this is for the next few days you won’t get as drunk if you take a tequila shot every time someone on Baseball Tonight mentions Harper. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Rudy loves him some Bryce Harper, but don’t we all (now)? The question on March 20th from Brandon Funston was, “(You picked) Bryce Harper, Round 1, Pick 13 … That’s about 20 picks higher than the brilliant (sic) minds that compose the Yahoo! ADP. Would you please tell our constituents why they are selling Boy Wonder short? What is a realistic best-case roto line for Harper in ’13?” Besides Harper, our team in F&F looks putrid right now, so there’s that. So There’s That, Part II: There’s More; Our ERA is at a one and WHIP is at a one due to Marmol and Axford crapping the bed, then asking us to sleep in said bed, but we own Verlander, so we should get better. In the podcast, Rudy goes over where he’d draft Harper now if he had the chance. SPOILER ALERT: It’s top five. We also go over some other hot out-of-the-gaters (Chris Davis, Dexter Fowler, Mike Napoli and Shin-Soo Choo), go over our Arenado fantasy in the spoken form after doing it in written form yesterday, and Rudy takes his metaphorical scalpel to Matt Moore and Clay Buchholz. “I will slice you!” That’s Rudy waving his metaphorical scalpel near anyone that badmouths the Stream-o-Nator. JB “Big Biscuit” Gilpin talks about Tony Cingrani. Also, Biscuit takes a moment to note that his preseason prediction that Ryan Dempster would have mixed league value doesn’t look so crazy now. Or does it, Overlord Grey? Did I just make a rhetorical question to myself or am I supposed to answer that? The Guru was supposed to join us for another addition of ‘Jam It or Cram It,’ but he got lost at sea on a Lobster Boat and had to be rescued by fellow Maine resident, Stephen King. We haven’t actually heard back from The Guru yet, but we keep getting emails from “Annie” who asks “Why did you Cram Jackie Bradley Jr.?” and “What type of paper do the Razzball writers prefer?” Quick note: Nick says to remind everyone that the NFL Draft Football Podcast will be posted on Thursday. Football’s the one they play with only their feet *checking notes* Yup, that’s right! Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with Rudy in eye black):Please, blog, may I have some more?
It is the end of April, so that must mean the Master Standings have arrived! (You can access this via the Leagues menu up top). Remember last season how embarrassed you were to finish 380th? Now that’s in the top half of the field! Congratulations! Mauledbypandas (Josh Hamilton’s Fake Stache – Cracking The WHIP) and Pops (Sin City Sinners – Modesto Nuts) are at the top of the heap with 105 points after four weeks of action.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Rookie sensation Tony Cingrani has been lights out since he’s filled in for an injured Johnny Cueto, allowing 3 ERs in his first 12 innings with 17 strikeouts. But with those dominant outings at Miami and at home against the Chicago Cubs, it’s not exactly like he was blowing away elite offenses.
This time out on a Sunday afternoon, Tony C would be facing one of baseball’s most dynamic lineups on the road. Relying very heavily on his power fastball, it’s been debated how long Cingrani could have success in the Majors, so I decided to tune in to his start yesterday and break down the rookie’s third career start:Please, blog, may I have some more?