Here’s a post that’s gonna make you wanna slap ya mama and tell her Don Magic Juan sends his best. The other day I told you how to draft your pitchers for 2014 fantasy baseball. I laid it out to you nice and simple (if you have a degree in “What The Hell Is Grey Talking About?” Not a PhD, mind you. Just a BS.) Today, we forget all that jabberwocky on the who-ha and get down to business old school-style (which means if you don’t comprehend, I will hit you over the head with a baseball bat signed by Joe Clark.) What I’m hoping to lay out to you is who do you draft 2nd if you’ve drafted so and so first. I think it might be helpful to go through pairings for your 5 outfielders, all your middle and corner infielders too. I’m not sure I’ll have the time or patience to do them though. We’ll see! Or not. Your choice. (Actually, my choice.) For easy reference, the royal we will be using the top 10 for 2014 fantasy baseball and the top 20 for 2014 fantasy baseball and the beginning of the top 100 for 2014 fantasy baseball. I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5, MI, CI, 5 OF, 1 Utility, 1 Catcher league, similar to our Razzball Commenter Leagues. (Go join one now. Or join two. Or three.) Anyway, here’s some pairings for the first two rounds of 2014 fantasy baseball drafts:
1. Mike Trout – You can pair him with anyone, but I would try to avoid going with another outfielder immediately. You know who I’d really like to pair with Trout? Freeman. That makes me Kerry Wood. David Wright doesn’t seem so shabby either with Trout. Just don’t pair Wright with a Cougar and he’s happy. Could put Trout with Ian Desmond, Kipnis or Pedroia, but then you might only have 35-40 homers after two picks and some people are getting that with one pick. Trout and Tulo would work, they’re like peas and carrots or Forrest Gump and Bubba. Trout and Pujols would go together like butter and toast, but I have Pujols much earlier, so that’s not possible (wink, wink — it is possible at other sites that have Pujols much later). Ryan Zimmerman doesn’t bother me with Trout either. Sour cream and chives are even better. (Note to self: eat before writing otherwise you just make a bunch of food comparisons.) Eh, just draft Freeman with Trout, then you can make a jersey with the name Freetrout to wear for the selfie you post on Plenty of Fish. The girls will love that. Right, four lady readers?
2. Miguel Cabrera – You can pair Swiggy Cabrera with any position player, except another 3rd baseman. Since Miggy will get 1st base eligibility quickly in-season, you could skip 1st basemen too. Then maybe Miggy will play 2nd base and shortstop and you can skip all infielders. If I drafted Miggy, I’d assume he’s gonna be my third baseman and only skip them, especially since early 3rd basemen don’t excite me all that much. What does excite me early is outfielders. Draft Miggy and an outfielder next. Due to Miggy’s speed, which is barely faster than Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello — the turtles not the dead artists, you should be looking to draft someone that gives you at least ten steals. How about Miggy and Justin Upton? Well, la di da, you’re a sexy combo. How about Miggy and Puig? Great, but probably not gonna because of Puig’s ADP. Miguel Cabrera and Alex Rios gives me goose pimples, and the good kind, not the bad kind like when you find out the girl you just slept with used to be a man. Don’t want to go outfield? Have a hankering for Segura and Miggy? Hankers away, Captain Phillips! Thinking Freeman would be a fun one? I’m not so sure. You’re just adding Miggy Point-Five, and that’s not as in the fifth iteration of Miguel that has evolved from a tadpole into a complicated computer program that you don’t understand. That’s as in Miggy/2. You’re still gonna get no speed and just got power and average. I don’t think that’ll kill your team, but you would be better off drafting a little more balanced with your second pick.
3. Paul Goldschmidt – You don’t want to draft another 1st baseman with Au Shizz, but anything else would work because Goldschmidt is the earth, moon and stars that fantasy revolves around. In honor of Black History Month, I’d like to paraphrase Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and say I had a dream where I drafted Goldschmidt and Jay Bruce with my first two picks. Don’t want to draft two of the greatest players in the history of the world, part I? Can you get Goldy and Braun? Then you can name your team, Goldy Lox. I’d be shocked if Braun is still there though, so it would be more like The Goldschlockers. Will Puig be there? Yes, pweeg! How about Giancarlo and Goldyschmidtlove on the same team? Does that work for you, because it makes me go pitter patter and want to write shizz on my Trapper Keeper. Segura and Goldy? Okay, I give up because that’s too beautiful.
4. Andrew McCutchen – Similar case example to Trout. Gets you all kinds of solid stats, but position-wise you’re a Powerball slot machine short of three cherries (confusing metaphor alert!). (Actually, confusing alert alert! because it should have been before the confusing metaphor.) You really should take a corner man with The Dread Pirate. Will Votto be around? Then do onto my love as my love does onto Votto. Will Beltre be available? Well, don’t just sit there, draft him! What about Edwin Encarnacion? Go for it with your white-hot stank breath! Draft the next highest corner man on my rankings, preferably a 1st baseman. Does that mean Pujols? It does if he’s there, clunky expository question.
5. Adam Jones – Same deal as McCutchen and Trout. You don’t want to leave the 2nd round without a corner man of some kind. If you do leave the 2nd round without a corner man, your team will look like a prematurely balding man with a bad comb over. Adrian Gonzalez and Pablo Sandoval as your 1st baseman and 3rd baseman is you trying to comb your eyebrows up over your bald spot. I love Rizzo, but he’s a corner man. Jose Abreu looks like he can hit as well as he can raft, but he’s a corner man. If you have Allen Craig and Todd Frazier as your first baseman and 3rd baseman, you are combing up your ear hair. Stop it.
6. Robinson Cano – You got Cano? Well, Canyes, if you know how to pair him. Not to be paired with Pedroia or Kipnis or really any middle infielder. Since Cano is a power threat at a normally weaker position, I’d take a speed/power outfielder (CarGo, Justin Upton, Pweeg, do I have to go on?), a 1st baseman or a 3rd baseman. You don’t want to have to scrounge together an outfield and two corners leaving the 2nd round.
7. Prince Fielder – Another guy in the same boat as Miggy. Not literally; that boat wouldn’t float. It would be nice to get a 2nd guy that chucks in a handful of steals. Fielder and CarGo? I’d tap that! Fielder and Adam Jones? What the hey! Fielder and Bruce? Oh, you do know how to say the sweetest things to me. Fielder and Puig? That’s fine now that Fielder’s no longer a vegetarian.
8. Carlos Gonzalez – Carlos Gonzalez, or CarGo (not CarGomez) as referred to often in the comments, doesn’t come with a whole lot of baggage with his stats. He can fit those safely in the overhead compartment. His issue is his durability and that baggage needs an extra DC-10. Obviously, don’t draft another outfielder with him (is it obvious? Oy, it’s not, is it?), but also don’t draft anyone that has had health problems recently. Goodbye, David Wright. Don’t want any part of you, Troy Tulowhatchamacallitz. Thanks, but no thanks, Hanley. I’d even frown on Longoria. You wanna make me frown? That’s not cool. Pujols? Nuh-uh, as Dee from What’s Happening would say. Beltre, Edwin, Votto? Sure, yeah, yuppers.
9. Chris Davis – You don’t want another 1st baseman with Davis, says Mr. Obvious. He’s in a similar situation as Miggy and Goldschmidt, but he’s got a few more peccadilloes that I need to ‘pecc’ at so you avoiding making the wrong draft ‘pecc.’ I wouldn’t want my next pick after Davis anyone that could hit .260 or lower. That even includes my novio, Giancarlo. Anyone I’ve projected under .275 is dangerous. That includes my new novio (nuevio?), Jay Bruce. Yasiel Puig is fine. Yasiel Pweeg is even better. Hanley’s trouble with a capital BA. Jose Bautista is good, just not for Chris Davis. I’d be fine going with Beltre, Braun, Harper… Shoot, I’d even take Tulo. Just make sure you take an outfielder with your 3rd pick if you take another infielder with Davis. Oh, you know who would be real purdy paired with Davis? Cano. You just won your league and games don’t start for six weeks, which is followed by six months of games.
10. Bryce Harper – No outfielders paired with Harper. Everything else is fair game…Or is it?! Damn you, reversal ellipsis! Yeah, it kinda is okay, but I’d make sure I got a rock solid performer if I took Harper with my first pick. I wouldn’t want anyone that has flaked within the last year. That eliminates Pujols, Hanley, Tulo and Wright. I also wouldn’t want anyone with less than two years of a track record. I love you, Segura, but I can’t make love to you if I have Harper. I would be fine with Freeman though, because he feels like Votto for a new generation, if Votto wasn’t already this generation, i.e., Freeman is a professional hitter (says Tim McCarver). Beltre, Longoria, Edwin and Votto also all work for me with Harper.
11. Evan Longoria – I hear Longoria’s an MVP candidate. I heard it when I was talking to myself. So, pairing that kind of wonderful works with anyone, except another 3rd baseman. Though, I’d also avoid anyone I perceived as an injury risk. Don’t draft CarGo, Pujols, Tulo or Bautista with Longoria. Joey Votto and Ryan Braun are next on my rankings, but Votto is the only one likely to still be there. I’d take him with Longoria. Solid guy that gets you 550+ ABs. Edwin’s not bad next, but I really love me some Freeman. Bruce and Puig would also work with Longo, but keep in mind that if you don’t have a 1st baseman coming out of the 2nd round, you may find yourself drafting Hosmer and feeling terrible pangs of envy for everyone else’s team.
12. Albert Pujols – If Pujols is your first pick, I owe you a firm handshake and a hearty pat on the back for following my rankings to the tee. He’s ranked in the 50’s on other sites, so I guess you could take someone else here and draft Pujols another round later. Or you could draft him here, and want to throw a bag of crap at my house in October for steering you wrong. What’s the worst year you can imagine for a healthy Pujols? 85/28/100/.275/4? Doesn’t look bad. Sure, a healthy Pujols is also what a proctologist specializes in, but let’s try to avoid that correlation. Like Longoria, I’d avoid pairing guys with Pujols who couldn’t stay healthy last year. Everyone else is fair game. I’d even pair him with Braun. Think about how happy you would’ve been the last few years to get Braun and Pujols on the same team. Think about how that’s a possibility now. Think about how you’re not as excited now. Think about how you used to get excited about getting out of bed. Think about how you now cry during your morning shower. Times change; hopefully they don’t change too much.