Here’s a post that’s gonna make you wanna slap ya mama and call her Mark. The other day I told you how to draft your pitchers for 2013 fantasy baseball. I laid it out to you nice and simple (if you have a degree in “What The Hell Is Grey Talking About?” Not a PhD, mind you. Just a BS.) Today, we forget all that jabberwocky on the who-ha and get down to business old school-style (which means if you don’t comprehend, I will hit you over the head with a baseball bat signed by Joe Clark.) What I’m hoping to lay out to you is who do you draft 2nd if you’ve drafted so and so first. I think it might be helpful to go through pairings for your 5 outfielders, all your middle and corner infielders too. I’m not sure I’ll have the time or patience to do them though. We’ll see! Or not. Your choice. (Actually, my choice.) For easy reference, the royal we will be using the top 10 2013 fantasy baseball rankings, the top 20 2013 fantasy baseball rankings and the beginning of the top 100 for 2013 fantasy baseball. I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5, MI, CI, 5 OF, 1 Utility, 1 Catcher league, similar to our Razzball Commenter Leagues. Anyway, here’s some pairings for the first two rounds of 2013 fantasy baseball drafts:
1. Miguel Cabrera – You can pair Swiggy Cabrera with any position player except another 3rd baseman. Due to Miggy’s speed, which is barely faster than Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello — the turtles not the dead artists, you should be looking to draft someone that gives you at least ten steals. Goldschmidt could work. That would be the most unlikely German-Latin combo since Argentina took in Nazi war criminals and forced them to be kosher butchers. “I’d like to stuff your derma and hang it on my wall.” That’s Otto Cornedbeeferschwitz. Wanna go with Jose Reyes and Miggy? I don’t mind that. Have a hankering for Dustin Pedroia and Miggy? Hankers away, Captain! Thinking Adrian Gonzalez would be a fun one? I’m not so sure. You’re just adding Miggy Point-Five, and that’s not as in the fifth iteration of Miguel that has evolved from a tadpole into a complicated computer program that you don’t understand. That’s as in Miggy/2. You’re still gonna get no speed and just power. I don’t think that’ll kill your team, but you would be better off drafting a little more balanced with your second pick.
2. Ryan Braun – Stats-wise he’s one part God, two parts powdered sugar. Speaking of which, what’s the deal with powdered sugar? I feel like everywhere I’ve ever lived in my entire life I’ve had a box of powdered sugar and I don’t think I’ve ever used it. Am I making powdered donuts? No, no I’m not. Am I making… What else is this stuff used for? It doesn’t work in coffee. I tried. Somebody give me something to do with this box of powdered sugar. Can I give it to Goodwill? Position-wise, Braun’s not as delectable. You have a guy that fills your stat line but you still need four more outfielders and both corner spots. If I draft Braun, I’d definitely try and get a corner man. Longoria could be around, that sounds promising, as in I want to buy a Promise Ring for both players and get a cozy cabin in the woods for us three. Beltre could work, as well. A-Gon is more like, “Hey-Mon-Sounds-Good.” Goldschmidt and Braun? Otto Cornedbeeferschwitz could get behind that. Braun with Reyes or Pedroia? Eh. Don’t really love that. That means you’re now in the third round still without a corner man. Then Verlander falls to you in the third and, before you know it, you’re asking me if a corner infield of Youk and Alberto Callaspo is strong. You ruined your draft; go take a nap for six months.
3. Andrew McCutchen – Similar case example to Braun. Gets you all kinds of solid stats, but position-wise you’re a Powerball slot machine short of three cherries (confusing metaphor alert!). You really should take a corner man. A-Gon, Goldschmidt, Longoria… Yes, please and thank you if you stay healthy.
4. Mike Trout – You don’t want another outfielder. You can take Reyes, Hanley, Pedroia or Kinsler, but then you might only have 35-40 homers after two picks and some people are getting that with one pick. Trout and A-Gon would go together like butter and toast. David Wright or Ryan Zimmerman don’t bother me with Trout. Sour cream and chives are even better. (Note to self: eat before writing otherwise you just make a bunch of food comparisons.) Draft Goldschmidt, then you can make a jersey with the name Goldtrout to wear for the self-pic you post on Plenty of Fish. The girls will love that. Right, four lady readers?
5. Robinson Cano – Not to be paired with Kinsler or Pedroia. Since Cano is a power threat at a normally weaker position, I’d take a speed/power outfielder (CarGo, Justin Upton, Adam Jones), a 1st baseman or a 3rd baseman. Avoid Reyes or Hanley or any shortstop. You don’t want to have to scrounge together an outfield and two corners leaving the 2nd round.
6. Albert Pujols – What’s the worst year you can imagine for Pujols? 85/28/100/.275/7? I’m gonna enjoy pairing that with anyone but another 1st baseman. I say that as if it’s a done deal because for the first time in a while I don’t need the number one pick overall to get him, so it is possible (though still unlikely if I get a 5th or lower draft pick due to his ADP). Think about how happy you would’ve been the last few years to get Longoria and Pujols on the same team. Think about how that’s a possibility now? That makes me horny. Cougar, where are you?!
7. Prince Fielder – Another guy in the same boat as Pujols or Miggy. Not literally; that boat wouldn’t float. He’s more like Miggy than Pujols, as it would be nice to get a 2nd guy that chucks in a handful of steals. Fielder and CarGo? I’d tap that! Fielder and Adam Jones? What the hey! But hey’s for horses… BTW, Fielder’s a vegetarian. Hmm, coincidence? Fielder and Kinsler, Reyes or Pedroia? Sounds copacetic to me.
8. Joey Votto – Rinse, repeat, fold, launder again what I said about Fielder, Pujols and Miggy. Since Votto is a bit lower on the power potential food chain but has some steals, I’d prefer a power outfielder or a 3rd baseman that has some steals instead of a middle infielder that is fifty-fifty power/steals like Pedroia and Kinsler or eighty-twenty like Reyes. Votto and Beltre or Zimmerman or Wright all works for me.
9. Giancarlo Stanton – I’d like to pair him with a giant comforter, a glass of White Zin and a small nook near a fireplace, but if that’s not readily available, Reyes, Kinsler or Pedroia would do the trick. I’d also pair him with a corner man, but I’d go more with a guy like Goldschmidt or Longoria than A-Gon due to Giancarlo’s bulging power potential. Don’t draft another outfielder with him; that could make him jealous — a major no-no. Now Harlem Shake!
10. Justin Upton – Much like The Dread Pirate and Ryan Braun, Upton gives you power and speed, so you’re good to go with anyone stats-wise but you need a corner man. I wouldn’t kick Upton and Longoria out of bed, unless Giancarlo called and was coming home early. Upton and AuShizz works. In fact, Rudy and I just drafted that in LABR. The post about that draft is coming later today. Use your Starbucks cup as a bedpan and don’t move until you read it.
11. Carlos Gonzalez – Same story, different blurb with Justin Upton, Dread and Braun.
12. Evan Longoria – If Longoria is your first pick, I owe you a firm handshake for following my rankings to the tee. Let’s try and get you out of this one alive, so you don’t throw a bag of crap at my house in October. Don’t draft Kinsler, CarGo, Tulo, Hamilton or Bautista. You don’t need any kind of injury risk with your 2nd pick too. Adam Jones and Matt Kemp are next on my rankings, but Jones is the only one likely to still be there. I’d take him with Longoria. Solid guy that gets you 550+ ABs. Goldschmidt’s not bad, but you do have a tad more risk than I’d like with your first two picks. I could see reaching for A-Gon. Another guy that gets you a ton of counting stats by staying on the field. Pedroia isn’t a terrible pick either. He’ll appreciate that you got squirrely with your first pick, knowing it takes nuts to win this thing.