Monthly Archives: June 2011

Grey

Sweep Johnny’s Leg!

| Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 220 Comments

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Recently, I had the pleasure of doing karaoke with Johnny Cueto.  He decided to go with Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.  Here’s what he sang, “I took my ERA and I took it down….  I climbed a mountain and I turned around…  And I saw my xFIP in the snow covered hills… Well, I’ve been afraid of changing… ‘Cause I’ve kicked the life out of Jason LaRue… Awh, take this ERA, and TAKE IT DOWN!…”  Then I joined him on stage for Islands in the Stream.  Cueto was pitch perfect with Stevie Nicks even if he did skip lines here and there to keep it related to fantasy baseball.  Right now, his ERA is 1.63.  Oh, c’mon.  Seriously, come on.  Come on, come on, come on Chameleon!  His xFIP is 3.52.  His K-rate is 6.23 which isn’t good and below previous season marks.  He’s leaving 83% men on and has a .216 BABIP.  There’s not one category he’s excelling in right now except ERA.  The mouth on the left side says, “S.” The mouth on the right side says, “ell.”  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jonathan Broxton – ‘So much junk, so much junk inside that trunk’ could be lyrics about the Dodgers bullpen or specifically about Broxton.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

The Truth Is Out There Somewhere, Right?

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 72 Comments

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The A’s promoted Chris Carter.  Too bad Chris Carter wasn’t around when Mulder was pitching for the A’s.  Then they could’ve had Scully call the game.  Chris Berman looked at his stats and says, “All Chris Carter does is hit home runs!” which means he’ll kill your average, won’t steal bases, and probably won’t help your runs and RBIs.  Back in January, Chris Carter said this about playing with the A’s out of spring training, “I’m still thinking it’s my job to lose, basically.  It’s a business.  They want to win and make the team better.”  That isn’t as great a quote as, “Who are you, Karim Garcia?  I do not know you,” but it’s still pretty solid.  It’s like you go into a job interview and say, “If you want the burgers to get flipped right, I’ll get hired.  What, you want crap burgers?”  Unfortunately, Carter was in Make Believe Land hanging with the Easter Bunny.  It was not his job to lose.  In the preseason, I said, “This Chris Carter looks like Ryan Howard.  In every possible way.  He strikes out a lot.  He hits a lot of homers.  He talks to Turtle about tequila.  He weighs 230+ el-bees.  He stands six foot five.  He once finished off a grand slam 7 hours after the last pitch of a game thanks to Denny’s.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Further in my Chris Carter fantasy, I gave him the line of 35/22/55/.225/3 in 400 ABs and said he’d be called up on June 1st.  He missed a month of that, so now I’ll revise it to 30/17/40/.235.  I.e.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Catch Me If You Can! (Or Can’t)

| fantasy baseball strategy | 80 Comments

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I usually like to wait a couple of months into the season to look at some of the catchers that couldn’t throw out your grandma even if she loses the tennis balls off her walker.  (What is the deal with those tennis balls?  I feel like that’s the kinda nonsense thing that would have a Facebook Fan Page.  Everyone who likes tennis balls on walkers!  Yay!  BTW, what did people do before Facebook?  Oh, yeah, Myspace.  BTW II, The Return of BTW, is there anything sadder than getting an email from Friendster.  Hey, come check out the new Friendster!  Sure, as soon as I get on the internet with this dial-up modem.)  Or some of the catchers that are quite agile — hey, it’s Italian!  I wait a few months because new catchers come into the league and I like to see a decent sample size — that’s what she said!  Anyway, here’s some of the best and worst catchers for fantasy baseball:

The Bad

Jonathan Lucroy – Has only thrown out 6 baserunners out of 33.  And he doesn’t even get to try and throw out Prince Fielder.  “Pretend 2nd base is a vegan muffin…Now run!”

John Jaso – 7 caught out of 35.  And John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt doesn’t have to try and throw out Upton.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey / Rudy

I’ve Fallen And Ike Can’t Get Up

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 78 Comments

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Sounds like Ike Davis is done for the year.  He could be facing microfracture ankle surgery.  Man, will the Mets ever catch a big break?  First, Beltran had microfracture surgery on his knee, and now Davis.  What’s with the Mets and tiny surgery?  Can’t the Mets find a normal-sized doctor?  Microsurgery is the 101 class if you’re going to be a surgeon.  Macrosurgery is the 102 class.  That’s a little known fact — literally!   For fantasy purposes, just think, now you have more room on your DL.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  That’s one for the Brandon Beachy Memoirs.  Now if only he’d stop looking up his cousin’s dress.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Jhinxing Myself

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 222 Comments

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Jhoulys Chacin was walking more yesterday than my grandfather on a treadmill behind a hot number (his words).  Yo-leash’s line 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (6 walks), 7 Ks.  Am I worried that Chacin isn’t going to have a sub-3 ERA all year?  Yeah, of course, I’m worried.  What, am I delusional?  Am I wearing wearing a pirate costume and dictating my blog posts to homeless people behind a Consumer Value Store?  No, of course, I’m not.  I’m behind a Walgreens.  I do not wish to talk about Chacin’s eventual regression.  Yes, I am not using contractions to show how serious I am.  I own Yo-leash all over the place and…Ugh.  We might be at his peak value.  This is sorta like when I told you to sell Matt Joyce a week before he started washing his hands in the urinal and peeing in the sink.  I don’t think Chacin will completely collapse but he’s more of a 3.50-3.75 ERA pitcher.  Trust me, I wish he were going to be this good all year too.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Seth Smith – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs as The Lisper’s Nightmare hit his 7th and 8th home runs.  He’s fine for a fifth outfielder in a deep league, but, man, owning him is the fantasy baseball equivalent to watching paint dry.  Rub Wiggy’s head and get crazy hot for a week once in a while, would ya?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

It’s Fraaaactured Albert

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 217 Comments

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SAT Question:  Albert Pujols is to a fractured forearm as Justin Morneau is to playing every day in 2011 and you can’t take him out of your lineup.  Only thing worse for Cardinal fans is if Don Denkinger announced Pujols’s fractured forearm while wearing a Wilson Betemit jersey.  We never get Pujols in any leagues.  I mean, never.  This year, we thought we’d go against common practice and pay for him in one league.  It’ll take away some money we have for the rest of our team, but at least we’ll have Pujols.  *standing in the pouring rain, shaking fist at the sky*  Come get some, Fantasy Overlord!  So, unfortunately, the slap on Albert’s forearm was harder than the law gave to Tony La Russa when he DUI’d and Pujols will be out for at least 6 weeks.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Pujols And His Owners Going Wristerical

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 226 Comments

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Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?!  He never plays.  Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney?  Manzo!  (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.)  Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick.  You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers!  (Thanks, Lil Penny.)  Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday.  If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program.  Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two.  Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game.  Manzo!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.”  Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies.

Please, blog, may I have some more?