After a poor 2008 season caused by an injured shoulder, 2009 turned out to be a coming back party.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Chase Utley was placed on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb and he might need surgery. This injury opens up a big gaping hole in his owners’ hearts that can only be filled with junk food and hardcore drugs. Utley may not have been playing his weight in pomade, but at least you had him out there. At night when you crawled into your Michelob-scented bedsheets, your head hit the pillow knowing that if nothing else Utley was healthy. Looks like you’re going to have to dust off the “Sounds of the Ocean” CD you used to help you sleep when your wife left you. Phillies will turn to Wilson Valdez, Juan Catastrophe and Brian Bocock, whose surname is bad enough without me altering it. Hopefully your options are better. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Placido Polanco – Crapolanco also heads off to the DL. Too bad because he was leading David Wright in All-Star votes for 3rd base. Hold on, whaaaaa??? Oh. Wait, what? If his vote tally goes up while he’s on the DL, I’m gonna suggest players can’t vote for themselves.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Here’s some 2nd half hitters for fantasy baseball who should be better than they were in the first half. To come up with this list, I scoured the last three years of post-All-Star Break numbers, ran it through a supercomputer that’s bigger than your Peugeot, pasted the supercomputer-generated names to my shirt like dollar bills on a wedding dress then went to a palm reader to help me pick ten names out of the thousands. The palm reader’s name was Erica Karabell. Anyway, here’s the best 2nd half fantasy baseball hitters for 2010:
Derrek Lee – Last year, he played the 2nd half like he was walking onto a yacht with an apricot scarf. I think last year was an anomaly, which is a fancy word for saying ignore Derrek Lee’s 2nd half. But if you’re choosing between the schmohawk behind door #3 and Lee, then I’d go with Lee just for the chance he can repeat even a tiny bit of last year, so that’s negating the negation.Please, blog, may I have some more?
On May 23rd, Jason Heyward was scratched with a sore thumb. Seems harmless, right? As they say in Norway, “A-ha! (Best group ever.)” Turns out he has a strained ligament in his thumb and is headed to the DL. Member when I said I dropped him about a month or so ago? In your face fantasy baseball gods! (It was a shallow, no bench league, stop judging me for dropping Heyward. I can feel your stares.) Since May 23rd, Heyward has a line of 16/2/12/.210/2. If my math is right, that’s not a good month. No wonder he dodged the Strasburg bullet train last night. He’s scurred, Mystikal. Okay, I do really like Heyward, but this thumb injury could linger until the offseason. Not a great sign. He may not revisit his mollywhopping, pony stick ways until into The One-One. For those doing a bid in redraft leagues, DL him if you can and hope the rest helps his sucky thumb. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Has a poor xFIP, a terrible K-rate and a meh walk rate. It’s not a trick, it’s an illusion!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Headley’s an example. You don’t necessarily have to give or get Headley for this example to work, but a comment I got today made me think of him. Someone was offered the trade of Miggy Cabrera and Chase Headley for Haren and Kershaw. Whether you think this trade is fair or not is besides the point, Headley is the point. He’s the sore thumb in this trade. To break this down into a real world example, if you were trading someone for a blueberry pie and you had to give an apple pie and one other component. To sweeten the pot of pie, would you A) Throw in whipped cream?Please, blog, may I have some more?
If there’s one guy who can’t afford to lose a foot, it’s the five-three Dustin Pedroia. As of post time, it’s not clear how long Pedroia will be out with his fractured foot. My guess is 4 to 6 weeks. One thing Scrappy Doo does is fight. It’s a wonder he can carry around the over-sized baboon heart he’s got. One thing Scrappy Doo doesn’t do (say that fast 117 times) is sit on the sidelines, but to paraphrase the Christian Slater/Marisa Tomei classic, Untamed Heart, “You love with your mind and soul, not your heart. But you don’t hit with your mind and soul when you have a fractured foot.” So while Dusty’s shelved, you need to find a replacement. Some ways you can look for average? Aviles or Kendrick. Steals? Figgy or Theriot. RBIs? Barmes or Guillen. Runs? Walker or Polanco. All of these options depend on your league depth, obviously. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Clay Buchholz – Hyperextended his knee on Saturday, but the word on Lansdowne Street is he will avoid the DL and shouldn’t miss more than one start, even if that. Good news indeed, he’s Clay aching but he should be back to filling your fantasy gloryhole soon.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Last summer, something felt wrong for Edinson Volquez. He said it was his arm. Dusty gave him two after-dinner mints and said they were “reconstructive surgery,” then threw him for 160 pitches. Unfortunately, the mints didn’t take. Dusty blamed Edinson’s inability to believe. Neverthehoo! (I’m trying to get neverthehoo to stick, go with it.) Edinson went for Tommy John surgery, or as they call it in the Tommy John household, “my surgery.” Usual recovery time is longer than his current 11 month timetable, but all signs point to him returning in the next few weeks.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Carl Crawford left yesterday’s game with a sore shoulder. He first felt discomfort on Wednesday. In the locker room, here’s how Carl explained it, “You don’t want to feel that pain like that… I’ve never really had nothing like that before… It locked up real bad.” Now this sounds terrible, right? Okay, here’s how Crawford finished, “I think it should be a day-to-day thing.” Wait, what? You don’t want to feel pain like that… It locked up real bad… It’s fine. Oh, okay. This sounds like when my grandmother would talk about how she can’t see or walk, then she’d go play mah jong. You don’t need to see, the tiles’ engravings are raised.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sometimes you just can’t trade a guy in your fantasy baseball league. For whatever reason, the rest of the teams don’t believe in your guy. Whether it’s someone who has been doing well who people aren’t sure if they’re for real (Corey Hart) or someone who has been struggling (Berkman), no one in your league will trade for them. You’ve tried to sell lower than even their value warrants, but no bites.Please, blog, may I have some more?