Colby Rasmus goes by the nickname Razz or Razzle-Dazzle, which should make him a favorite here at Razzball, but there’s something pricky about him that I don’t like. Might be the name, Colby. It sounds like a total douche name, like a character’s name in a Bret Easton Ellis novel. (Speaking of douche, I have two things to say. First, I went to the original Dollar Store the other day. No, not some weird field trip. Like, “Hey, honey, you wanna go check out the very first Dollar Store? There’s tours at 12 and 2. Oddly enough, not at 1.” I was walking by it and I went in to grab a Gatorade. The store was extremely small and there’s a giant one across the street. So I ask them why don’t they close up this stankhole of dollar-priced items. They tell me it’s the first store ever. Yeah, it’s a real historic landmark. Put up a plaque and add this to the World Famous Skyline Tour. “On the right is the Hollywood Sign. On the left is where they sold the very first discontinued-candy-that-might-get-you-sick-but-at-least-it’s-only-a-dollar.” So what do I see in the dollar store, besides the aforementioned discontinued candy? Summer’s Eve Douche. I tell you this because I’ve been trying to think of what kind of woman buys douche at the Dollar Store for three days now. I want you to be scarred too. So there. Okay, second thing, doesn’t it seem like the word “douche” should have an accent?) Anyway, the real question is, will Colby Rasmus have any fantasy value in 2009?
Okay, I lied. The real-real question is, will Rasmus win the starting job in 2009 for the Cards? He might. In February of 2008, the Cards GM said Rasmus will be in the majors in 2008. A funny thing happened on the way to The Gateway to the West. Rasmus sucked down a big bottle of Mediocre in the spring of 2008 and then went down with a knee injury in July. He skipped out on winter ball, choosing to do his own strength and conditioning program (Beer and German pretzels?). The good news is his knee should be healed in time for the spring of 2009. Rasmus still has the skills of someone who can run, homer and strikeout with the best of them. To give you an idea of what to expect, if you’re showing Colby Rasmus and the dealer shows Krispie Young, that’s a push. His value could go up in the April, if he leaves spring training with a starting OF job. In NL-Only and keeper leagues, you should pursue Colby Rasmus right now as a late round sleeper. In mixed leagues, wait to see if he has the job in spring training. If he does, then you should be buying in too.
Jason Heyward, besides having the surname of a 1930s matinee idol, has the mitts of a Yeti and the sturdies (<– that’s legs) of Frank Thomas. His man gams are 117% oak. You thought Jay Bruce could fight crime? Heyward just saved your life and you didn’t even know you were in danger. Look over your left shoulder — quickly! See that shadow shrinking out of the room? That was Heyward. He’s now going to Ireland to sing harmony with that Once guy. So being a globetrotting, harmonizing, crime fighting love child of a Yeti and Frank Thomas is all well-and-good, but can the the Braves outfield prospect, Jason Heyward, help you in fantasy baseball leagues in 2009?
Nope. But… You said he was Yeti-like! Sorry, random italicized voice, it’s a bummer. I know. So you’re probably thinking to yourself why am I even talking about him? (Yes, I can read your mind. Spooky, huh?) Firstly, when I decided to go over 2009 fantasy rookies — Wait, you don’t need to know it from the jump, as the kids said in the early naughts. Fast forward to my reasoning… Twenty-seventhly, Heyward is going to be something special probably as soon as 2010. This is a wake up call for all keeper leagues, NL-Only and mixed ones. You know all that power and speed you love about The Uptons? Heyward has that in duckets. He’s my early 2010 NL ROY frontrunner and should be owned in all keeper leagues. You want a prediction limb? Heyward goes 25/15 in his first full season with the Braves and he invents a Snuggie that doesn’t look quite as monk-like.
The other day a Razzball reader, Tim L., contacted me about mocking his fantasy baseball keeper league.
Hi,
I just wanted to say I’m a huge fan of your site. I think you do a fantastic job and have great analysis (as well as it being very funny). The reason I’m writing you is that my 10 team long time keeper league is looking for a celebrity expert to mock the first 2 rounds of our 2009 draft. It’s a typical 5 X 5 Roto and all the information (keepers, roster sizes, innings limit) is neatly organized. We wouldn’t be expecting a write up on each pick, just the picks. We have been together as a group a long time and everyone is excited about some expert analysis during this long off season. My league is well aware of your site and are regular visitors. I understand you are a busy guy but perhaps you would have some time in the next few months. If you would, please let me know. Our group would be thrilled.
Thanks,
Tim L.
Look what asking nice and the appropriate flattery will get you… Actually, Rudy and I discussed whether or not to go ahead with this. As gracious as Tim L. is, I’m not trying to alienate all of our other readers just because some dooode said I was “very funny.” No, the clincher was when he said I was a “celebrity expert.” Now that’s appropriate flattery. Also, I felt the rest of youse might be able to take something away from this exercise. If you think this is stewpid like kewpid bizzlenitch then scroll down, I’m sure there’s some other fantasy baseball nonsense to entertain you.
Tim L.’s Final 2008 league standings were:
2008 FINAL STANDINGS
1. Axles 75.5
2. Blazin Ballz 73.5
3. Zak Dream Team 60.0
4. Bombadils 57.0
5. Explosive Renteria 54.5
6. Levitra Nights 54.0
7. Canuckaroos 53.5
8. Wildhack Old Sox 50.0
9. D Town Troubadours 50.0
10. Norfolk Shipriders 22.0
So a big belated congrats to Axles, way to stay on top of those Blazin Ballz. I tell you the standings because as Cypress Hill once said, “How do you know where you’re going, if you don’t know where ya been? Understand where I’m comin’ from?” We do, B-Real. We do. I also tell you this so you know who’s fantasy deficient cough Shipriders cough and might have the least to work with for 2009. Then we also have a long list of keepers; these teams keep 16 players a piece, so you can imagine there’s not many players to be drafted. (For the mathematically challenged, the first pick is a bit like pick #161.) The top ranked hitter is Chipper Jones. So, it’s not exactly the cream of the crop, but it’s not the cream of the crap either. Tim L. asked me to mock the first 2 rounds of this keeper league draft without commentary. I’m doing the first round with commentary:
1st pick overall – JJ Hardy by Explosive Renteria (cute). Their team has one of the strongest offensives (Wright, Utley, Victorino, McCann, Adrian Gonzalez, Brandon Phillips and Furcal) and a very decent staff (Beckett, Haren, Lester, Jar-Jar Jurrjens and potentially Morrow). Since this team is dealing with Utley’s injury and Furcal’s penchant for pulling a Kotchman, Hardy’s the choice. It’ll give them a strong UT and a very solid MI backup for when Phillips fills in for Utley in the beginning of the season or if/when Furcal goes down. This team is my preseason choice for 1st in 2009 as long as they pick up some speed later in the draft.
2nd and 3rd picks — Javier Vazquez and Ricky Nolasco by the Canuckaroos. This team has no starters and its entire offense is filled, so a bat isn’t even an option. They also have three top ten picks from trades. Vazquez and Nolasco are the picks here because if you have no starters, you need to make sure you get a horse that will give you 200 IP and 30 starts; that’s Vazquez. Then Nolasco was flatout genius last year. He posted a incredible K:BB rate at the end of 2008; a rate that should have him on your radar. FYI, some of the other top pitching options available were Brett Myers, Harang and Carmona. I contemplated Derek Lowe briefly over Nolasco, but with no starters he needs Ks and I think Lowe will be there for their 7th overall pick. Finally, I don’t want Myers or Harang as my first starter in 2009. This team needs steady and upside and that’s what I’ve given it. You’re welcome.
4th pick — Chipper Jones by the Wildhack Old Sox. This is a bit of a no-brainer with their team. They have outfielders like Jolie’s got orphans (Holliday, Mags, Grady, Votto, Hart) and they have decent enough pitching for a ten team league (Wainwright, F-Her, Kazmir and Gallardo). Yet they have no 3rd baseman or Corner Infidel. Guess what they have now? Chipper…. Jones…
5th pick — Derek Lowe by the D Town Troubadours and the Canuckaroos suck their teeth as they are mock scooped by the Troubadours. I choose Lowe here because their top starter is Verlander. There’s always 2010, Troubadours.
6th pick — Carlos Delgado by the Blazin Ballz. Blazin Ballz had one of those dream seasons in 2008 where everything goes right. And they still came in 2nd. They had Harden, Pedroia, Halladay, Ervin, Kerry Wood, Manny and Josh Hamilton. Since they kept them all, their 2009 relies on most of those players duplicating their 2008 successes. I think they’re in for a “Ravishing” Rick Rude Awakening. Too many outliers worries me. As for the Delgado pick, it’s between him Peralta, Burrell, Hawpe and Abreu. I went with Delgado because this team doesn’t have a 3rd baseman or a corner man, so they can fill outfield and MI later, while 3rd and corner will get tight. They also have the team average that can handle Delgado’s .265 average.
7th pick — Ted Lilly by the Canuckaroos. See my description of their team’s weaknesses above at the 2nd pick. Ted Lilly is the most reliable pitcher on the board. I still don’t want Myers, Harang and I’m not a fan of Carmona. Also, as aforementioned, I would’ve went with Lowe if he wasn’t scooped.
8th pick — Brett Myers by the Bombadils. Their pitching staff is Ben Sheets, Jobacum, Phil Hughes, Brian “The Brain” Fuentes and Joseph Jason Putz (not sure if they had to keep on keeping Putz, but he was in the literature I was given). As an amateur porn star somewhere in the San Fernando Valley once said, “Excuse me for vomiting on your staff.” I took Myers because I want him over Harang and Carmona for 2009.
9th pick — Jorge Cantu by Axeles. This team has no 1st baseman, 3rd baseman or corner man (obviously). Their pitching is sick as in healthy not sick as in sick (Johan, Lincecum, Peavy, Hamels, Joba, Liriano, K-Rod, Papelbon and Kershaw). The offense they do have is Jose Reyes, Alexei, The Upton Bros., Maybin, Carlos Gomez and Kemp. So now they just need Johan and Lincecum to hit 80 home runs apiece. I choose Cantu for them because he’s the biggest power threat left at a corner spot.
10th pick — Jhonny Peralta by the Blazin Ballz. I explained this team’s weakness up at the 6th pick. Again, this team has the team average to sustain Peralta’s .265 average and they have the oddly placed steals of Mauer to offset Peralta’s lack of steals. This team will need to think about SAGNOF later in the draft and grab some steals.
Rafael Furcal returns to the Braves, which can’t be a good thing for 2009 fantasy baseball owners. I mean, it can, but it probably won’t be. This move will have people slightly too excited about Furcal. Then you throw in his great April in 2008 — hitting .357 with 5 home runs and 8 steals in only 36 games. Again, this could lead to unrealistic expectations. 36 games does not a season make. Don’t think Furcal has a .350+ average in his tuba case. He doesn’t. Last year, Furcal had a BABIP of .380 in April. A number that would’ve came down if he played the rest of the season, leading Furcal to be the .285 hitter he is. Hey, a 15/35, .285 hitter is nothing to sneeze at. Oh, yeah? Well, atchoo! No, that wasn’t Casey Kotchman with mono. Furcal is now 31 and hasn’t had a productive season in three seasons. Maybe he can rebound like Yao Ming, but Furcal’s now coming off back surgery. Does that still sound promising to you? It shouldn’t. If Furcal drops in your 2009 fantasy baseball draft, then, by all means, pounce like Davey Boy Smith, but I don’t want any part of Furcal before the tenth shortstop off the draft board. Unless, and once again for the hyperopic, UNLESS Furcal moves to second base. Which brings us to…
Yunel Escobar/Kelly Johnson – Um, wasn’t Yunel going to play short? Okay, so either a trade is going to happen — which Peavy, his family and his goumadas will welcome already — or Kelly Johnson will go to the outfield, Yunel to short and Furcal to 2nd base or Furcal stays at short and Yunel and Kelly Johnson split time at 2nd. If Yunel doesn’t get out of Turner South and the last option comes to fruition, this could really hurt Yunel Escobar and Kelly Johnson’s 2009 fantasy value. Stay tuned!*
*This post was brought to you by TBS and Frank TV.
UPDATE: Turns out that airline ticket was nonrefundable and this post was brought to by KTLA. I still think Furcal is nothing more than the tenth shortstop off the board. What I said about him above doesn’t change. That’s what I see for Rafael Furcal in 2009. Thankfully, this doesn’t effect Yunel and Johnson like I feared.
While regurgigating Jobacum, I mentioned Gamel is a lot like Ryan Braun. All hit, no field. In Single-A ball in 2007, Gamel made 53 errors in 128 games. In that post, I said that he plays 3rd like Jenny McCarthy at a celebrity All-Star game, but I think I was overestimating his glove work. Kenny Mayne might be a better comparison. Last year Gamel cut his errors to 30, but still led Double-A with the most errors by a third baseman. Oh Gamel, you’ve done it again! If he could just get to the big leagues as a third baseman, his bat will be one to own in fantasy. But can he help your fantasy baseball team in 2009?
Bill James projects a full-time Mat Gamel in 2009 hitting 18 home runs and over .300 in 150 games. I think that’s being too conservative on the power, but too generous on the games played. If Gamel gets a full-time gig out of spring training, I think we could see 27/80/.300 and 40 errors. The Brewers also realized Gamel’s glove isn’t ready for the majors and now have in place the third base blahtoon of Mike Lamb and Bill Hall. Gamel is probably destined for the outfield, but the Brewers outfield is a bit crowded right now. Gamel needs Corey Hart to tongue kiss Casey Kotchman and come down with a bad case of mono for Gamel to see any significant time in the Brewers outfield in 2009. I’m sure the Brewers want Gamel to play 3rd; I’m almost positive Gamel wants to play 3rd, but inspiration meets perspiration meets no fielding ability, doesn’t add up to a major league 3rd baseman. Unless the Brewers play Gamel in short left field in front of Braun, the glaring flaw in his defensive game makes him too much of a liability for the Brewers and too much for you, except in deep keeper leagues.
