Fantasy Baseball Advice

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Verse One: Ice McLouth

Crazy motherf**ker named Nate McLouth…
From a gang called Piratez With Attitudes…
Sandoval hit blooper, cuz he was sawed off…
With an eye injury, Nate got hauled off…
Just when he started 100 Miles and Runnin’…
To steal 40 bases by Thursday, he was gunnin’…
Agent said, “Ya know, it looks better if you get to 20/20? Anyway, how’s the kids?”
“I don’t have any–”
“All right, now do the bidz.”
Depends on the newz out of Pittsburgh…
But the newz now all about Roethlisberg…er, Pirates who?
I’d be ready to cut lose McLouths…
Especially in H2H playoffs.
There’s just no time to be waiting around, son…
Look at Dukes, Werth, Shin-Soo Choo and Chris Dickerson.
All right, now you make the call…
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into today’s roundup, just wanted to announce our Fantasy Football Forums. We won’t be covering fantasy football on the blog, but if anyone wants to discuss football, there’s a spot you can do it. Anyway:

Billy Wagner – Had a setback and now he seems done for the season. I would drop him if you need the room. Ayala hasn’t done much wrong to lose the job, besides being Ayala. But if Ayala can continue to be Ayala, then there’s no reason why Ayala can’t continue to get the saves — Ayala-style!

Chris Young – Took a perfect game into the 8th inning. It’s not surprising. I mean, I guess it is somewhat because he wasn’t in Petco. I wouldn’t hesitate to use him down the stretch. He’s way below most pitchers innings count for this time of the season.

Cliff Lee – Comatose Indians Fan just bought four tickets for right behind home for the first round of the playoffs. “Craigslist, Where No One Gets Ripped Off.”

Andrew McCutchen – Could see time if McLouth is out for a while. According to Elias Sports Bureau, this would be the first time in the history of baseball where one Mick would replace another Mick and neither player’s first name is Seamus.

David Purcey – 8 IP, 7 Ks, 0 ER and ruined what should have been a win for Garza. Purcey’s been wildly uneven, but there is a slight pattern of an every other start where he’s been usable, so make like Chicago and “Look Away” in his next start, then show Purcey’s he’s a “Hard Habit to Break” in the start after that.

Matt Garza – See a third of a centimeter above.

Brandon McCarthy – 5.1 IP, 6 ER, I warned all of youse to avoid him.

David Ortiz – Hit his 18th HR yesterday and first homer in 71 at-bats. Not bad for a guy that claims to be a Latin 32.

Adam Wainwright – After I picked him for September Cy Young (an award they are absolutely considering), 8 IP, 1 ER.

Chris Perez – Good to see him get another save because after his last two blown saves, I was starting the worry. Scotch + LaRussa = You Never Know.

Francisco Rodriguez – Recorded 55th save yesterday. I placed him 6th on the list of major league closers for September because I think he gets the 58th save and then the Angels let Arrendondo get a few as they rest K-Rod for the playoffs. Also, that makes Arrendondo more attractive for those chasing saves.

Kerry Wood – Back-to-back poor outings, there’s reason to be concerned. Cust kayin’.

Paul Konerko – 3 HRs in last three games. Has batted over .320 since the All-Star break and over .420 in the last seven games.

Taylor Teagarden – 2 home runs in the last three starts. For those in 2 catcher leagues, you might do well with an herbal Teagarden infusion. The issue is his starts are a bit scatter shot, so you have to watch to see when he’s playing and then put him in your lineup.

Jamie Moyer – 7 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER. He’s one of those players that I can’t recommend ever. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America and all pharmacists.

Wandy Rodriguez – Left after one inning after re-aggravating his oblique. Vague, for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the next time we see Wandy is in April of ’09.

Jeff Clement – I don’t think this affects that many of you, but he’s done for the year. He might be in the Mariners plans for ’09 or knowing the Mariners they might look to acquire someone like Pudge.

Ty Wigginton – Here’s one that affects just about everyone who has read Razzball in the last month. He has a groin strain, which is not quite Jockular Sphincteritis, but hurts just the same. Will sideline him for 7-10 days. Comes at a tough time for Wigginton and his owners.

Jose Lopez/Ryan Feierabend – Yesterday, 2 HRs and 7 IP, 2 ER, respectively. Sorry to make this like ESPN where every team’s news somehow relates to the Yankees, but… Well, that’s that. When the shizz is on the line and you’re losing games to the Mariners like they’re a powerhouse, you need to do like Angela Bassett in her courageous performance of Tina Turner in “What’s Love Got To Do With It” and find your strength from deep within and get away from Ike. Or something.

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for $10 schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Brad Lidge, PHI (Ryan Madson, Chad Durbin)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Joba Chamberlain, Jose Veras)
5. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)
6. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Jose Arredondo, Scot Shields, Justin Speier)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

7. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Octavio Dotel, Matt Thornton, Scott Linebrink)
8. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers)
9. Jonathan Broxton, LAD (Hong-Chih Kuo, Joe Beimel)
10. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
11. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota)
12. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
13. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
14. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
15. Frank Francisco, TEX (Joaquin Benoit)
16. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Jon Rauch, Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
17. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)
18. Chris Perez, STL (Ryan Franklin, Chris Carpenter)

BRAIN FREEZE

I’m going to a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and broke Pena’s thumb with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Kerry Wood, CHI (Carlos Marmol, Bob Howry, Jeff Samardzija)
20. Matt Capps/John Grabow, PIT (Denny Bautista)
21. Brad Ziegler, OAK (Huston Street, Joey Devine)
22. Jensen Lewis, CLE (Rafael Betancourt, Rafael Perez)
23. Fernando Rodney, DET (Kyle Farnsworth)
24. J.J. Putz, SEA (Sean Green)
25. Mike Gonzalez, ATL (Blaine Boyer, Will Ohman)
26. Joel Hanrahan, WAS (Saul Rivera)
27. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell)
28. Luis Ayala, NYM (Billy Wagner, Aaron Heilman, Al Reyes, Duaner Sanchez)
29. Matt Lindstrom/Joe Nelson, FLA (Kevin Gregg)
30. Jamie Walker, Dennis Sarfate, Jim Palmer, Senator Clay Davis, BAL (George Sherrill)

Kila Ka’aihue will need a nickname if he plans on being as good as he looked in the minors this year. How about Misplaced Apostrophe? Nope. Ka’aihue hits home runs and, get this, doesn’t strikeout. Weird! Check this out, Tootsie Roll. He had 67 strikeouts and 104 walks. Sign me up! Wait, you haven’t even heard the exciting part yet. He hit the fourth most HRs in the minor leagues in 2008 with 37, which were hit between Double-A and Triple-A. How about the nickname, Keanu? It means Cool Breeze Over the Mountains in Hawaiian. Nope. Ka’aihue has to battle for playing time on the Royals, but if he gets some, I’d take a flier in AL-Only leagues and monitor closely in keeper leagues and mixed leagues. How about The Big Island? Hmm, that’s not bad. Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball players to buy and sell:

BUY

Josh Fields – With Crede suffering from back pain (Crede should totally go see my acupuncturist. She speaks no English and she tries to charge me double every time I go, but still she’s like Anne Sullivan with needles.), Guillen turns to Uribe, a guy that somehow has had a major league career. C’mon, Josh Fields Forever…

Josh Anderson – Who’s this effin’ schmohawk Grey’s touting this week? Easy there, guy. I’ll slice you. Josh Anderson has started every game in the last week and he has a home run and three steals. If you’re hurting for steals, you can do worse.

Mike Lowell – If he was dropped in your league, he’d due back today.

Dexter Fowler – Worth a NL-Only flier in keeper leagues. He might be someone to look at late in the season if/when the Rox get Elimidated by the Dodgers and Diamondbacks. He might not have a spot next year, but I think the Rox are going to do all they can to move on from Taveras.

Brandon Wood – Starting just about every game. When the Angels clinch, which is academic at this point, Wood should see even more time as Scioscia gives his regulars some rest.

Travis Snider – I mentioned picking up Travis Snider earlier today. And that’s me linking to me!

James Loney – My first baseman had a second name, it’s L-O-N-E-Y. He’s a .370 September hitter.

Casey Kotchman – Since we’re talking about 1st basemen that don’t have a cholesterol problem. Kotchman bats near .320 in September.

Rafael Furcal – At middle infield, you can afford to gamble on a DL slot.

Mike Hessman – With the Tigers playing for nothing and Guillen hurting, Hessman could see time at 3rd base. He had 32 home runs in Triple-A this year and he was awesome in Head of the Class.

SELL

Carlos Zambrano – He’s inflammed! Inflammed, I tell ya!

Mike Lamb -Well, he got the “out like a Lamb” part right.

Carlos Gomez – Bad week for Carloses (Carli?). In some leagues, where I’m desperate for steals, I’m holding him, but the Twins have been going out of their way to find other options. You probably should too.

Brandon Morrow – Let’s be realistic, he hasn’t been that good in the minors while stretching myself out, he pitches for the Mariners (F-Her is 9-9) and he won’t last much longer than six innings in any start. If you’re in a pinch, I could see taking a flier. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America.

Gary Sheffield – He’d show you, but he’s too old; too banged up and too fuckin’ blind– I mean… See the first two.

Evan Longoria – I had my doubts about Longoria returning, and now he’s yet to pickup a bat, 4 days after he was supposedly returning. There’s. Three. Weeks. Left.

Carlos Guillen – This is the time of year that regulars give way to rooks, especially on clubs that are out of it. This goes double for guys who are battling injury. En garde, Injury!

Carlos Quentin – Actually, it’s an awful week for Carloses. He has a fractured wrist. Drop him in all leagues, except keepers.

Ervin Santana went 7 and one-third innings yesterday, gave up one earned run and struckout eight. For the season, he has an impressive 169/51 K/BB ratio– Oh, wait, that’s Johan Santana. Ervin Santana has actually been better at 191/44. (BTW, no wonder Earvin Johnson went by Magic. You can’t write or say Ervin or Earvin by itself. You have to add in the last name just to make it sound normal.) This season Ervin (weird, right?) has cut his HRs allowed and his numbers aren’t pointing to a regression for next year. Know what’s been the big change? Those funky Wandy home/away splits are gone. Ervin Santana’s only 25 and he’ll be on my short list for next year. Johan, Carlos and Tito move over; there’s a new Santana in town. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Kinsler – Kinsler’s done for the season. Back date this to last month when I told you he was done.

Carlos Zambrano – Big Z got inflammation of the thingie he uses to throw a baseball. Not good, ya’ll. Maybe the 247,000 pitches the last couple of years weren’t the best idea. Just a guess.

Joey Votto – I chose to put Votto in my fantasy baseball keeper post yesterday and he rewarded us with a home run. You’re welcome.

Torii Hunter – HR yesterday. His season can be found next to yawnstipating in the Razzball glossary.

Ramon Ramirez – When Fogg left with a groin injury, he came on to pitch a perfect three innings. I like to think Dusty told him to do the exact opposite of what Fogg did and Ramirez is just a very good listener. Ramirez should get some starts down the stretch and could excel simply because hitters won’t be familiar with him, while possibly facing some B lineups.

Billy Wagner – Supposed to return next Tuesday. I see a blown save in the Mets’ future for next Wednesday.

Kevin Gregg – Said he should be ready to go next week at this time. I see blown saves (<–that’s plural, Razzballers!) in the Marlins’ future.

Travis Snider – 3-for-3 and HR yesterday. In yesterday’s comments, I said, “Shorthand, (Snider’s) a lot like Chris Davis and Jay Bruce. He strikes out a lot and he has power. He could also catch pitchers under prepared to get him out and he could have a solid three weeks. In other words, worth a flier, but he might go 0-for-next week. He’s very underdeveloped.” And that’s me quoting me!

Melvin Mora – He said, “It’s day by day” and he said he won’t return by this weekend. That sounds just like that other Orioles 3rd baseman of the 80s and 90s.

Jesse Litsch – Shutout with 3 Ks. The lack of Ks in that line is the problem with Litsch, but he used to be a bat boy. That shizz is heartwarming!

Dan Wheeler – Picked up the one out save. Zoinks! Percival’s back, what gives? Not entirely sure what Joe Maddon was thinking, but I believe it was because the Yankees rallied in the ninth so fast that Maddon didn’t want to rush his old, oft-injured closer into the game at the last second, so he opted for the better qualified one. Sorry I don’t know more, I was watching the RNC and our possible VPILF.

For only the most wicked pissas, I’d considah Pedroia, a can of Budwisah and a replay of Doug Flutie at the Orange Bowl. For heaven, throw-in a hot broad and a Dunkin’ Donuts Coolatta. For Nahvana, I’m doing this in the same room as Denis Leary, Cam Neely and Pesky. But we can’t all be Massholes, so we look if Dustin Pedroia is a legit keeper and not just a wicked awesome keepah. In the forums, there was some discussion about whether Dustin Pedroia was a better keeper than Corey Hart. In early June, I said Corey Hart, easily. As you’ll see from that discussion, Pedroia wasn’t even that commenter’s second choice for who to keep. Two months later, Pedroia’s now batting fourth for the Sawx and he has as many home runs as David Ortiz. He’s a legit MVP candidate if you don’t pronounce your Rs. But can’t Pedroia be a keeper? Definitely for some people’s teams. His average should come down because of a high BABIP and the power might not be quite this strong next year, but at his position, he’s definitely a keeper. Just not against Corey Hart. Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball keepers for 2009:

Billy Butler – 7 HRs and is batting .318 since the All-Star break. (That’s 3 1/2 HRs for each moob.) I don’t think he’s going to be a 30/.300 guy next year, but as a deep league keeper, I like Butler.

B.J. Upton – But, um, he like had no homers this year? He’s young as dog balls and his swing is sweet. Or sweeeeeeet as you might say if you wanted to emphasis it but not go through the trouble of just thinking up a better word.

Josh Fogg – Psyche! Just making sure you’re paying attention.

Joey Votto – I already talked about how Votto was a solid keeper. Actually I talked about how he was Barbara Hershey and Jay Bruce was Bette Midler as they reenact the movie, Beaches, but you get my drift.