Fantasy Baseball Advice

Gerald Laird? Yeah, he’s serviceable. Jarrod Saltimbocca? He was enticing enough to get from the Braves and he’s wonderful with broccoli rabe. Taylor Teagarden? Grand slam yesterday. For his sixth HR in 12 games. Before you rush out to pickup Teagarden, see 1/18 of a centimeter after this period. Max Ramirez, the future at catcher for the Rangers, was called up on Monday night. This gives the Rangers three promising catchers, a fourth usable catcher and no pitchers. Let’s see, the last three World Champions have had Varitek, Pierzynski and one of The Flying Molina Bros. Usable pieces, for sure, but not exactly the cogs that made the offense work. Earth to the Rangers, wtf? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ted Lilly – 7 IP, 1 hit allowed, 9 Ks. The Astros might officially be in a bit of a slump. No worries, Astros fans. Major League Baseball decided the Astros last homestand of the season will take place in Minute Maid Park, but can only be attended by fans showing up at the park in a Cubs jersey.

Ned Yost – Not really fantasy news other than to say the Brewers players have been simultaneously sucking and blowing for about two weeks now. Oh, and check out the poll on the right.

Matt Antonelli – First major league home run. Nick Tortelli still has zero.

Derrek Lee – First home run since August 22nd and the 2nd home run since July 27th. Now if he hits twenty more this week, all will be forgiven.

Brad Hennessey – 8 IP, 3 ER. A Diamondbacks team that is averaging about two runs a game for the last week made Hennessey look like cognac, but he’s really Mad Dog 20/20.

Chad Qualls – Got the save. If there was any doubt, he’s officially the Diamondbacks closer. Recognize!

Dontrelle Willis – 5 walks tell the story. The story is, “Don’t Pick Up Dontrelle.”

Juan Pierre – HR yesterday. Looks Rudy Gamble underestimated Juan Pierre.

Brandon McCarthy – Just when it seemed like he was starting to put something together, he hurt his finger. Probably be done for the season.

John Maine – Hoping to return to the Mets in the final week as their closer. Closing sounds like just the medicine a pitcher with an ailing shoulder needs.

Adrian Gonzalez – Another HR, for 4 in 5 games. Officially hot. Now if I only would’ve known to bench him for two months in the middle of the summer…

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER and 3 hits. This is exactly the kind of end of the season matchup you should be looking for. Team fighting for playoffs vs. Team deciding between Ohlendorf and Oh-who-gives-a-dorf.

What’s the difference between the ‘Stros and Stroh’s beer? The beer has an H.  ‘Stros couldn’t manage one. While 110 pitches is a slight stretch for Zambrano given he had missed 2 starts to injury, that was just an exhibition game’s amount of work when Dusty was coaching him. If anyone could throw an 150 pitch no-hitter like the type we used to throw in Wiffle Ball, it was Zambrano. This was the first no-hitter for the Cubs since 1972 which was also the last year that they were within 65 years of a championship. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Price – In a relief appearance today against the Yankees, David Price made his major league debut. He pitched 5 and 2/3 innings, gave up 2 ER (only one really, the other scored off Hammel after he left) and he looked impressive against a top-notch offense. He’s scheduled for one start on September 23rd against the Orioles. He’s worth the spot start and he might have some value as a middle reliever for AL-Only teams the rest of the year, but David Price’s real value is in keeper leagues and for next year.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 1 ER with 9 Ks. Scherzer took it to the Reds like he was McCarthy.

Andy LaRoche – 3-for-4, but they were all singles. It’ll be interesting to see if the Pirates give LaRoche a chance to play next spring. It’ll be even more interesting to see if Andy LaRoche can live up to his billing as the superior LaRoche brother. Our prediction is that their performance doesn’t get the Pittsburgh faithful singing “We Are Family” anytime soon.

Aaron Cook – 8 IP, 0 ER, might have some value down the stretch if you’re streaming starters. Cook’s usually a pretty reliable, just above average pitcher.

Kevin Gregg – Pulled after pitching to one batter in the ninth. Lindstrom’s still the closer, he was just overworked. Gregg’s about as likely to take over the closer role again as the Marlins are to having a Fidel Castro Bobblehead Doll Day.

Phil Hughes – Will get the start this Wednesday against the White Sox. That doesn’t mean he needs to be on your team.

Vladimir Guerrero – Will sit out three to four games this week. I told you to drop Vlad the other day.

Andre Ethier – Missed the last two games of the Rockies series because his wife is giving birth. Will return to the team on Monday. Why isn’t Juan Pierre helping Ethier’s wife with Lamaze? Or freakin’ James Loney.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis! No, I am Sparkakis!

Oscar Salazar – 2 HRs. Who? Some total schmohawk, but he also went deep on Saturday. These last two days are surely aberrations (Word of the Day), but if he puts some aberrations together to turn them into regulariocities (Made Up Word of the Day), then you might want to grab him in H2H leagues.

Radhames Liz – 8 IP, 0 ER. Not an option in any league. Unless you’re in a league where your pitchers’ first names have to sound like an expensive condom.

Nick Blackburn – 4 IP, 6 ER. His last name and strikeout totals make him sound like a Pirate. He’s not, he’s a Twin and he has excellent command, which makes him yawnstipating but effective.

Oliver Perez – 7 IP, 2 ER. So consistently inconsistent that it was only fitting that the Mets’ consistently inconsistent bullpen blew his chance at a win.

Luis Ayala – Blew a big game for the Mets. The kind of game that pundits point to as the one that got away. Obviously no one ever told pundits it’s impolite to point. The blown save and breach of etiquette caused Billy Wagner to cry again.

Cameron Maybin – Will be called up on Monday. Could be cheap steals if the Marlins play him. SAGNOF.

Matt Garza – Will start on three days rest on Wednesday. This isn’t great news. He had a nice rhythm going where he was good every other start. This move might throw off his rhythm.

Jeremy Sowers – In three innings, Sowers gave up 3 ER on 75 pitches. Or about half as many pitches Lincecum threw in a shutout on Saturday.

Justin Upton – HR yesterday that went about 450 feet to straightaway center. I’ll be getting excited about this guy in the offseason.

Shane Victorino – HR in the first game, 4-for-4 in the second game. The Flyin’ Hawaiian got his wings back.

Brett Myers – 9 IP, 1 ER and only 2 hits. Afterwards, Brett felt really bad saying he didn’t mean two-hitter.

What up, Razzball Nation!

I’ve been away for a couple weeks touring around Italy. I saw the town where the Baldellis have been contracting mitochondrial diseases for centuries, watched as Pete Incaviglia’s cousin used a vicious uppercut to generate topspin for a winning bocce roll, and took part in a old-fashioned Tommy Lasorda pasta crawl (I did NOT need that last plate of penne arrabiata…)

While away, my fantasy teams were left to fare on their own. One expert league team that just never got into second gear this year got called out by another blogger (what, who knew Joe Torre would hate on Pierre so much?) and my other expert league team fell from 1st to 5th (but I’m still in contention). In fact, all my teams did bad while I was away….which turned out just fine for my Razzball team…

Yes, I’ve snuck ahead of Grey with 3 weeks left to go in the inaugural Razzball season – 94.5 points to 94 (out of 120). Our friendly rival Mike from the FB Generals is still in the running at 88 points and the rest of the crew are poised to be spoilers as most of the categories are still very close.

How close is this battle? If Grey had one less run (or I had one more), he’d be in first. Crazy. And the points I’ve gained in ERA/WHIP by inching up to 4.89/1.49 can disappear with a quality start or two.

Stay tuned…

One guy you drafted in the 2nd round. The Ethier guy you drafted in the last round just so you’d have someone to draft when Rauch became the closer for the Nots. One guy will get drafted again in the first five rounds next year; the Ethier guy may be grabbed as a fifth outfielder then dropped when he’s doing a blahtoon with some other Dodgers schmohawk. None of this affects what you are doing for the next two weeks of this season. For realz! No, seriously. For realz! Don’t make me get punny…. Fine! Ethier you want to win or you don’t. No one’s going to say in October, “Hey, you came in 2nd, but at least you held onto Doumit. You owed it to him after all the great games he gave you in June.” Throw your loyalty out the window. Vlad was good okay in the summer, but the Angels have clinched and they’re going to rest their big man. Ethier has been the hottest hitter in all of baseball for over a month. Respectively, that’s buy and sell or drop and add at this point in the season, because they mean the same thing. You knew that though, that’s like Econ 101 in the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston. Anyway, here’s some fantasy baseball players to buy and sell:

BUY

Kelly Johnson – Mentioned him the other day. Where, Grey? My brain hurts! Pickup Kelly Johnson. BTW, you’re lame, random italicized voice in my head.

Asdrubal Cabrera - Batting close to .500 for the last seven games. At this point, I don’t care that he batted .240 on the year or that his first name is a anal leakage diagnosis. This is September! Act like it! (Sorry, for all the exclamation points, but I just bought a new coffee maker and I’ve been going a bit overboard on the caffeine. Speaking of ‘Overboard,’ at least once a year I’ll talk to my Mom and she’ll be watching this Goldie Hawn classic. It never gets old. I think that’s the ultimate mom movie.)

Joey Votto – In the last two weeks, Votto’s been more valuable than Teixeira, Berkman, Atkins, Youuuuuuk, Adrian Gonzalez, Conor Jackson, Casey Kotchman and Prince Fielder. (I don’t endorse dropping Fielder, no matter how good it might feel.) Votto’s the da bomb as they said in high schools back in 2004.

Rajai Davis – It’s with great pause I suggest this schmohawk. But if you need speed, eff it in the cooley and grab Rajai.

Pablo Sandoval – Maybe he won’t slow down until April. Maybe he’ll hit .330 for the next seven years. Who cares? What, you plan on keeping Pudge for next year?

Brandon Wood – For about two weeks now, I’ve been pushing Wood hard. Um… Wait. No, that’s what I meant.

Blake DeWitt – He has 2nd base elgibility. Holy heffin’ hey, are you kidding me?! He’s in Coors this weekend. Why isn’t he on your team? What, you have Polanco? Ugh. I’ll never understand you. Never!

Jesse Litsch – No, I don’t really like the Jays pitcher/slash Rays ex-bat boy, but I do right now. Just be careful against the Sawx next time out.

James Parr – Has yet to give up a run, but that could end in a big way or not. You have to take chances in the final weeks when players like Lackey are being skipped because their club clinched.

Kevin Slowey – I already explained why I think Slowey’s a keeper. Why would you want me to repeat myself?

Bronson Arroyo – I hate this schmohawk as much as the next guy, but he’s pitching well. You have to take some chances in these final weeks.

Taylor Teagarden – 4 HRs in 24 at-bats.

SELL

Gerald Laird – 6 HR in 305 at-bats. See a quarter of an inch above.

John Lackey – Mentioned him above. I know what you’re thinking. His two starts are better than most guy’s three starts. True, but what if they pull him after 5 innings of the 2nd start because they just want him to throw. Or maybe he pitches surrounded by the Angels B offense. Still as appealing?

Victor Martinez – Maybe next year he’ll come back and he’ll be like Resurrection: Tupac, but for right now he looks like Black Sheep’s followup to A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.

Rickie Weeks – I gotta say whoever is holding onto him, you show great loyalty. Not the best judgment, but your loyalty is impeccable.

Conor Jackson – Imagine a world where a first baseman gave you a little bit of everything, but that little bit reminds you of a 2nd baseman’s stats. Then you have Conor Jackson attached to play the lead. Would that be something you’d be interested in?

Roy Oswalt threw his second consecutive shutout yesterday. In his last 32 1/3 innings, he’s been scoreless. Since the All-Star break, he has a 1.94 ERA in 10 starts. He just farted into a bottle and it sold at a Sotheby’s auction for $1.7 million. The cure for the common cold is in Oswalt’s passed wind! Oswalt’s one of the main reasons the Astros are late season contenders and all of this comes as the Cubs and Astros shutter their windows. They’ve been canceled for this Friday and Saturday with a good chance of Sunday being canceled too. In H2H (all leagues actually), you must fill-in your Cubs and Astros with guys that will be playing.  Also, I hope everyone who lives in the eye of the storm is safe. Razzball sends a giant umbrella the size of Prince Fielder’s backside your way. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark Ellis – Out the rest of the season with a torn labrum. This gives Eric Patterson a boost in value as he fills in for Ellis. He has speed and he is a middle infielder, do you need to know more? Rhetorical!

Adrian Beltre – Debating whether to shut it down for the season to have surgery on his torn ligament in his thumb. Guess he doesn’t want to miss out on the race to a .400 winning percentage.

Francisco Liriano – Pitched a season-high eight innings at just the right time. He should be up to speed for spring training next year and ready to put together a solid season. I’m sure he’ll be on everyone’s winter “Players to Watch” list. He might be on my “Players That Are On Everyone’s ‘Players to Watch’ List And Have Suddenly Become Overpriced” list.

B.J. Upton – Might be used as pinch hitter this weekend, but he’s not playing on Friday, according to Maddon ‘08.

George Sherrill – Will be back on Friday and thrust right into the closer’s role. If he’s out there and you need saves, there’s no reason not to grab him.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 2 ER, while walking 4. Here was the erratic pitcher from the minors. This is closer to what I would expect going forward, rather than the number he did on the Yankees last week.

Adrian Gonzalez - 2 HRs. Wow, did he take two and a half months off or what? With these two home runs, he has 10 home runs since July 1st. He had 10 home runs in May. As Thigpen would say, “Bleh!”

Josh Hamilton – Day-to-day with a bruised foot. You really can’t complain. You were getting high on his supply all summer.

Eugenio Velez – Another two hit night. If you pick him up, it doesn’t mean you endorse him. You’re just using him for a couple of days. Maybe a week.

Matt Cain – He took a dump sometime in August and it’s been running down his leg ever since. I would not be counting on him the rest of the way.

Rich Harden – Got the win in the return as he was limited to 86 pitches. His velocity was down; his moxy was up. If he can get through three more starts, consider yourself lucky.

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 4 ER and 10 Ks. The Ks are on the high side for him, but 6 IP with 3 to 4 earned runs is about what should be expected.

David Price – The Orioles are hinting he might start the September 23rd game. Presumably, after doing the weather for The Early Show.

Francisco Rodriguez – Tied Bobby Thigpen’s Major League record for saves. Bobby Thigpen watched the record-tying save from his personalized booth at his local Outback Steakhouse. When asked about what the record has meant to him, he said, “Bleh!” When pressed he said, “Bleh! Bleh!” When asked to elaborate, he burped.