CC Sabathia is out until at least July. ESPN said, “The Yankees clearly want to save their ace for a late-season run, so will exercise caution, making sure to not rush a return.” Seriously, is ESPN purposely five years behind everyone else or do they try to anticipate what other people think and just feed off of that? Are they under the assumption that casual (read: lazy) fans think Sabathia is the Yankees ace, so they just go with that? Are they ignoring Tanaka? Are they afraid of upsetting Yankee fans? Do they think Yankee fans are stupid? I have questions, y’all! Sabathia hasn’t been an ace in two years and I see no return to that any time soon. Even if he loses another 75 pounds and grows back his belly, only now it’s from being malnourished, and he shows up at the ballpark with flies buzzing around his head. Chase Whitley will remain in the rotation now and he had a 10+ K/9, 2.4 BB/9 in Triple-A, but he wasn’t even a starter prior to this year and the Yanks are throwing crap against their dresser hoping it forms a pretty, flower-doily design. I wouldn’t mess with him outside of AL-Only leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Zimmerman – Told reporters that he was simply shagging fly balls, not learning left field, explaining, “Have you seen me try to throw from 3rd base? You want me to run fly balls back in from the outfield?”
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. So far this year his 3.38 ERA, 1.29 WHIP are a real snoozefest, but his peripherals are sparkling — 10.9 K/9, 2.35 BB/9, 2.58 xFIP. He’s been the victim of a .358 BABIP, and other stats invented by a bunch of nerds hopped-up on Capri Sun. The general gist is Strasburg will get better, so if you can get him in a trade, now would be the time. General Gist was also the name of my high school band. You might remember us from our single that briefly charted in the US top 40, “8 Million Ways To Roll A 20-Sided Die (Choose One).”
Joey Votto – The Reds are undecided on whether or not to DL Votto. All I say is DL him or not, but please3 don’t start him for one AB in four days, then DL him and have the DL stint pushed back four days for that.
Mike Leake – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.91. He’s got some yesteryear type peripherals — 5.3 K/9 and a 1.66 BB/9 — back when striking guys out was an insult because you had fought alongside them in Prussia.
Aroldis Chapman – 2 IP, 1 ER with the blown save on a sac fly. If it didn’t cost him a win, Leake would’ve appreciated that old school manufacturing of a run. “When I was a kid, we’d manufacture runs drinking soda pop laced with cocaine, telling the pitcher he had the grip, then running home.” That’s Leake if he were 120 years old.
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-6 and his 16th steal. And Sliding Billy Hamilton played with Leake back in 1898. Though he was a lot whiter then.
Chris Heisey – 3-for-6. Has done next to nothing since starting with Bruce injured, but he is capable, which sounds like a compliment his mom would say.
Todd Frazier – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer as he hits .268. Quietly putting together a valuable season like he’s a librarian wearing mittens over his shoes.
Jason Kipnis – Hopes to begin rehab this weekend. Have one more cocktail for me!
Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks. Now has four straight solid starts — some would even say Quality Starts — which is terrific, but I get the sense he’s due for a blow up. That’s simply my gut talking and I had Mexican food for dinner. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t hate his next start, so I’m sure its nothing. And that’s how you landscape the hedges!
Cody Allen – 1 IP, 1 ER. Was called on to save the game and he did the opposite. It’s not Axford, it’s the closer role in Cleveland. Its womb is polluted! Axford may just get the next save opportunity again. Hang on tight, it’s a rapidly moving closerousel!
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. It was a walk-off jobber that I blew out of the park with all my hot air about how much I like Brantley.
Yan Gomes – 3-for-4, 2 runs. Thankfully, Carlos Santana (0-for-4, hitting .148) learned third base or there would be serious heat to bench him for Gomes. Well, actually, Santana should be benched for Lonnie Chisenhall (1-for-1, hitting .371).
Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks. I think I’ve figured out The Emoticon. Four innings and he’s a middle reliever; five innings and he’s a starter. More like Drew Sideways Face, Squiggly Line Indicating Taunting Tongue.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4, 1 run, and hitting under .150 in the last week, so that hot streak hasn’t come yet is what you’re telling me? All right, Nick Can’t-stand-nos.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Last time he homered, I picked him up the next day and ran him out there for a 1-for-32 spell, which is actually spelled F-A-C-K.
Ryan Braun – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. His fan club in right field, The Hebrewers, tossed their yarmulkes in the air with the homer, then they pulled their hair out from PEDs guilt.
Wily Peralta – 5 IP, 2 ER, 13 baserunners, 5 Ks, as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post. His ERA is still 2.18 and half of my pitching staffs are injured, so I won’t hear complaints.
Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 2 runs and two steals. This big game raised his average to .228. Only twenty more games like last night and it will make sense Heyward is batting leadoff, then Fredi will move him down the order.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer, and 2nd in as many games. He’s on pace for 35 homers and 108 RBIs. I think there might be room for him in the first round next year. There’s going to be a 400-pound space freeing up for a 1st baseman.
Justin Upton – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. I guess the month of June will be when Justin Wonder Twin-fist bumps B.J. and they turn into each other.
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-5, 1 RBI. The SETI Institute is trying to piece together whether there’s a hidden code in his stat line. There’s an area there where they see 51.
Mike Minor – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Looks like he’s settled down nicely after a rough first start back. Hopefully, he’s not settling down like Cashner, Medlen, Taijuan, Beachy, Jose Fernandez, Chris Sale, Matt Moore…Okay, let’s move on.
Jason Vargas – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies call Bette Midler ‘The Divine Miss M,’ they own a pair of bicycle shorts they wear for special occasions and they will rip your heart out.
Salvador Perez – Out a few days after hurting his thumb. If only his abuelita were around to kiss it and make it better.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th steal. So far, he’s my biggest regret for a guy that I shouldn’t have dropped. The regrets for guys I held on to too long is too painful to mention.
Matt Lindstrom – Left yesterday’s game after turning his ankle. Down goes Lindstrom, up goes Downs and who closes? Ronald Belisario has pitched the best in the last month, Daniel Webb has pitched the best if you just look at his surface numbers and does have ‘closer stuff’ — whatever that means — and Jake Petricka got the save last night, but Petricka was a Communist movement that failed and he was used last night only because Webb had pitched the last two days and Belisario had already gone in the game. I’d put Webb and Belisario’s names in a hat and grab one.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Rather than a hot schmotato, I’m beginning to think now we can set our clock to Viciedo homering again in a week, assuming we have a clock that has a day hand and a homer hand.
Garrett Richards – 7 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 1 K vs. the Asstros. The Regression Fairies call their lovers ‘poopsie,’ they own a poodle and they come in when you least expect it and set fire to the rain like the goblin that is in the finals of The Voice.
Dallas Keuchel – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Just leave your password in the comments and I’ll pick him up for you. If you’re password is “grey’smoostacheisdabombdotgov” all the better.
Matt Dominguez – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, a day after hitting two homers, hitting near-.300 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Martin Perez – Underwent Tommy John surgery. I wonder if the same surgery in Mexico is called Tomas Juan surgery. I’m too lazy to Google, let me know. Thanks!
Miguel Tejada – Signed by the Marlins. In addition to a utility backup infield role, Tejada will be playing the two starring roles in the off-South Beach revival of The Old Man and the Sea with Hemingway narration provided by the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World” guy.